germans Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious germans puns

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

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What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

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classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

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Germans be like:

Been there, Done that.

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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.

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My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

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How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

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Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kรคse scenario.

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. German light bulbs are quality products.

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European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven the soldiers are British, the food is French, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell the soldiers are French, the food is British, the lovers are German and everything is organized by the Italians.

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British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

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An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

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A joke about Germans - Iยดm German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it

Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?

A: Because deep down they are really nice.

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How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

One. We're efficient not funny!

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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**One.**

They're very efficient and don't have a great sense of humour.

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What's the difference between heaven and hell?

In heaven, the Brits are the police, the Germans are mechanics and the French are cooks.

In hell, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics and the Brits are the cooks.

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A man walks into a bar...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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A WWII joke

A retired British World War II pilot is in an interview on the BBC reminiscing about his days in the air force:
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was escorting some bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, some Fokkers appeared. I had Fokkers coming in on my right and Fokkers coming in on my left." At this point the interviewer interrupts him. "We should point out to those of our listeners that are wondering, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fuckers were Messerschmidts."

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Adolf Hitler is given a day out of hell, back on Earth.

Half an hour later, he's pounding on hell's gates: "Let me back in, I don't want to be there! It's all strange - the Jews are fighting and the Germans are trading!"

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A bank organized a contest to test it's new vault.

The prize was one million bucks locked inside and the door had to be opened in a 30 second time period when the lights are off. A team from France starts. 30 seconds pass, the lights go on, but they barely have their tools out, the audience is dissapointed. The Germans are next. 30 seconds pass, the lights go on and the Germans are nearly done cracking the door mechanism, but not quite. The audience is impressed. Finally a Polish team has its go. 30 seconds pass, but the lights don't go on. Suddenly there's a voice in the dark:
"Stefan, we're rich, the fuck do you need those lightbulbs for?"

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One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp

In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.

"Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-dogs are likely too stupid to count zat high. So instead, one person vill say 'tick,' and the next vill say 'tock.' Is zis clear?"

The prisoners nodded, begrudgingly. And the warden started pointing at each one in turn.
"Tick," said the first prisoner.
"Tock," said the second.
"Tick."
"Tock."
"Tick."
"TICK!"

The warden glared at the defiant prisoner, who had a huge grin on his face. The warden shouted at all of them, "START OVER!"

And so they did, but again, the sixth prisoner 'Tick'ed.

The warden, still glaring, strode over to the troublemaker. "Ve can do zis ze easy vay," said the warden, "or ze hard vay.

Ve haf vays of making you 'Tock.'"

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An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest

and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"

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A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"

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How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they are extremely efficient and they dont have any humor.

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a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"

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Grampa was telling us his war stories

Grampa: 'So we were flying back from bombing out Berlin, when suddenly we got caught out by the Germans. My Lancaster got surrounded. There was a Fucker on the left, a Fucker on the right, a Fucker above, and a Fucker below. We thought we were screwed.

Mum: 'Father, would you please not use that vocabulary in front of my children!

Me: 'It's all right mum, he's talking about Fokkers. It's a type of plane from Germany.

Grampa: 'No! these Fuckers were Messerchmidts !

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What kind of memes do Germans like?

Danke memes

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What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus?

I don't know, but it's damn good at picking cotton.




*I know, I know, racism is bad, and I do feel bad but I still think it's hilarious. I'm German, so hit me with your best joke about Germans.*

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The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning?

It was the wurst.

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1916 in France

The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea.

'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is stupid enough to react to it.'

Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use this information to kill as many french soldiers as possible. One of his officers discovered that the most common french name was Pierre.

The germans tried this tactic and, surprisingly, many french soldiers were stupid enough to stick their head out of the trench when they heard their name.

Over the next couple of weeks the french lost uncounted men to the german tactic so they decided to copy it. They assumed the most common german name must be Hans. Their first attempt to try this tactic went as followed:

French soldier: 'Hans!'

No reaction

French soldier: 'Hey, Hans!'

German soldier: 'Hans is away!'

French soldier: 'Where is he?'

German soldier: 'Shitting! Is that you, Pierre?'

And the french soldier stuck his head out of the trench

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Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


One. Because they are very efficient...

And they don't understand jokes.

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I've decided to delete all the Germans from my phone.

I want to make it Hans-free!

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TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders.

"Sorry, wrong sub"

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What are the most funny Germans jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Germans? Well, here are the best Germans dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Germans pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes