Germans Jokes

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Germans be like:

Been there, Done that.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. German light bulbs are quality products.

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

A joke about Germans - IΒ΄m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it

Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?

A: Because deep down they are really nice.

How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

One. We're efficient not funny!

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**One.**

They're very efficient and don't have a great sense of humour.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient and have no sense of humor

A man walks into a bar...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. We are efficient, but not very funny.

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest

and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"

A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"

a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"

What kind of memes do Germans like?

Danke memes

The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning?

It was the wurst.

1916 in France

The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea.

'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is stupid enough to react to it.'

Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use this information to kill as many french soldiers as possible. One of his officers discovered that the most common french name was Pierre.

The germans tried this tactic and, surprisingly, many french soldiers were stupid enough to stick their head out of the trench when they heard their name.

Over the next couple of weeks the french lost uncounted men to the german tactic so they decided to copy it. They assumed the most common german name must be Hans. Their first attempt to try this tactic went as followed:

French soldier: 'Hans!'

No reaction

French soldier: 'Hey, Hans!'

German soldier: 'Hans is away!'

French soldier: 'Where is he?'

German soldier: 'Shitting! Is that you, Pierre?'

And the french soldier stuck his head out of the trench

TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders.

"Sorry, wrong sub"

Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


One. Because they are very efficient...

And they don't understand jokes.

I've decided to delete all the Germans from my phone.

I want to make it Hans-free!

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".

A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!".

An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?"

BANG!

This went on for a while.

"Hey, Luigi!"

"Ya?"

BANG!

It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out.

"Hey, Hans!"

"That you, Luigi?"

"Ya!"

BANG!

An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.

"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

Two germans visit France in the early 50s

Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.

"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of the german.

"Dry ?" asked the barman.

"NEIN, ZWEI !"

How many Germans does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?

**One.**

**Germans are very efficient and not very funny.**

*Source: My co-worker.*

*I'm German and I approve this message.*

What do Germans call their own EasyMac?

Mein Kraft

God is trying to find someone to give his commandments to.

He goes to the French and says "I have these commandments"

The French ask, "What do they say?"

God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not commit adultery'."

The French say, "We are not interested, go away."

So God goes to the Germans and says "I have these commandments"

The Germans ask, "What do they say?"

God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not kill'."

The Germans say, "I don't think so."

So God goes to the Jews and says "I have these commandments"

The Jews ask, "How much are they?"

God replies, "They're free!"

The Jews reply, "We'll take ten."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

German lightbulbs are very high quality and never break.

Translating the German joke Germans only tell Germans.

I don't like to talk about the Holocaust either. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.

What percentage of germans are not nazis?

ninety-nine point nein nein nein nein nein nein nein percent

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

God's commandments (x-post classic4chan)

God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.

First he tried the French.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"What's in 'em?"

"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery."

"No thank you."

God then tried the Romans.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"What's in 'em?"

"Well... There's 'thou shalt not steal."

"No thank you."

Then God tried the Germans.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"What's in 'em?"

"Well... There's 'thou shalt not kill."

"No thank you."

Finally God tried the Jews.

"Would you be interested in my commandments?"

"How much?"

"How much...? Well, eh, technically they're free, but you must maintain-"

"We'll take ten!"

Did you hear the Germans now have breakfast delivery drones?

They call them the LuftWaffles

3 POWs were together in a British War Camp.

There sat 2 Germans and an Italian. The British tourtured the first German and after many hours of screaming, the broken down German finally talked. Ashamed, he went back to the camp and told the other 2 prisoners to stay strong. The British begin to torture the second German. He preserved through 3 days of pain and suffering, however he talks as well. Sent back to the camp, the Italian is taken to the torture chamber. After weeks, the British realize that the Italian will die if he is pushed any further. After being brought back to the camp, the Germans asked him how he did it. The Italian replies, "how could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

Why do Germans have such great focus?

I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.

A group of Germans walk into a BAR...

after 20 rounds there are no survivors.

How do Germans tie their shoes...

.... in little knotsies

Why are germans so bad at marathons?

Because they cant finish a race.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny.

Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk

The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Nein!

How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"

"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.



The Angel then goes to the Germans:

"I have new Commandments from God."

"Ja? Vat do they say?"

"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"

The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"


The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:

"I have new Commandments from God..."

"How much?"

"Well...they're free"

"We'll take ten."

People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called?

Germans

Germans are so nice.

It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.

Thread idea: Submit your non-US / Canadian / UK jokes and explain them.

My German friend told me this joke back in college (only makes sense if you're in Germany when you tell it).

>"Why did the Russian thief steal *two* cars?"

>"Because he had to drive back through Poland!"

(the racial stereotype being that Germans consider both Russians and Polish to be notorious crooks)

Anyways if you have some kind of racial / cultural joke that might be unfamiliar to english speakers, let's hear it! (and explain it for us if necessary)

An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.

The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.

The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.

Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"

My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2.

Passed over for promotion time and time again.

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we're listening." Moses replies "Thou shall not commit adultery!" The French look at him and say "It's okay we don't need a commandment right now."

So he travels to Germany. "Hello people of Germany, I want to give you a commandment from God." The Germans say "Okay we're listening." Moses replies "Thou shall not Kill!" The Germans chuckle say "It's okay we don't need a commandment."

So Moses travels to Israel. "Hello people of Israel, I want to give you commandment from God." The Israelis say "Okay, how much are they?" Moses replies "Um... well they're free" The Israelis look at him and say "Okay we'll take ten."

An Italian went to church to admit his sins.

When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of sex. First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.

We have collected gags that can be used as Germans pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Germans, here are one liners and funny Germans pick up lines.

Joko Jokes