Germans Jokes
113 germans jokes and hilarious germans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about germans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Germans Short Jokes
Short germans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The germans humour may include short german football jokes also.
- Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
- What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;) - As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. German engineering is flawless.
- A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting" - A German joke from 1944 How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
- My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- I asked my German friend, What's a three letter word for compete? Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I'm trying to finish a crossword. - A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting. - classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days." - A German walks into a bar and says, "can I have a martini please?"
"Dry?"
"No, just one."
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Germans One Liners
Which germans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with germans? I can suggest the ones about german food and german efficiency.
- I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine. It's a pretty good µ-boat.
- Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3? No
- What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other Gluten tag
- What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....
- What is the German word for a bra? stoppenfromfloppen
- Why is a German stone intelligent? Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
- I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
- What do you say when a German shares a meme with you? Danke.
- TIFU by climbing into a German U-Boat Whoops. Wrong sub.
- No matter how kind you are, German children are always Kinder.
- I have a phobia of German sausage Yes, I fear the wurst
- What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
- Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin. Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!
- I asked my german friends if they had Oculus Rifts yet they said "V.R. Ready"
- I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Germans Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about germans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean german car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make germans pranks.
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A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
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What percentage of germans are not n**...?
ninety-nine point nein nein nein nein nein nein nein percent
How do Germans tie their shoes...
.... in little knotsies
Why did the Germans have a vitamin C deficiency during World War II?
All the juice was put in concentrate camps
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WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
Translating the German joke Germans only tell Germans.
I don't like to talk about the Holocaust either. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.
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A joke about Germans - I´m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it
Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice.
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A man walks into a bar...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
TIL during World War Two, a cheese factory in France was bombed by the Germans.
De brie was everywhere!
Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?
Because they took Pita on them
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Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Because they are very efficient...
And they don't understand jokes.
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I've decided to delete all the Germans from my phone.
I want to make it Hans-free!
My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2.
Passed over for promotion time and time again.
What do Germans call their own EasyMac?
Mein Kraft
Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?
We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.
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Why do Germans have such great focus?
I think it's because they used to have concentration camps.
Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?
Because for them, it is a Wurst-Käse scenario.
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Adolf h**... once asked the Germans if it was raining in their place
The Germans replied "No, it's hail h**..."
What kind of memes do Germans like?
Danke memes
A group of Germans walk into a BAR...
after 20 rounds there are no survivors.
Watching Olympic rowing with my wife.
Me: Oh, the announcer just said the Germans got in via the repechage.
Wife: What's that?
Me: I have no clue.
Wife: I think it means they went through Belgium.
People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called?
Germans
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What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?
Neingag.
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Germans be like:
Been there, Done that.
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Why couldn't the Germans make a good vacuum chamber?
There was too much gas in them.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. German light bulbs are quality products.
Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?
It means nothing to them.
TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders.
"Sorry, wrong sub"
What's a Germans least favourite drink?
Juice
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Zero. It was engineered properly the first time and does not require changing.
How does Bin Laden introduce himself to Germans?
Ich Bin Laden.
Did you hear the Germans now have breakfast delivery drones?
They call them the LuftWaffles
What do Germans call Micheal Jordans sneakers?
Herr Jordan's AirJordans
How did Germany so easily defeat Poland during WWII?
When the Polish threw grenades at the Germans, the Germans pulled the pins and threw them back.
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Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?
Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.
The Germans really do have a word for everything.
It's *alles* by the way.
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A bookseller in German-occupied Copenhagen came up with a new idea to help sell books...
He displayed a book and poster in his shop window saying "English In 50 Hours, Learn English Before The Tommies Arrive."
He was immediately ordered by the n**... to remove it.
On the next day he put up a new book and poster in the same window that said "German In 50 Hours, Learn German Before Our Friends The Germans Depart."
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work
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What do you call a bunch of blindfolded Germans dancing?
The not-see party
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I like the Germans, but instead of h**..., now they are all obsessed with this new guy named Morgan
Instead of saying Heil h**... , they now come up to me and say Good Morgan .
How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938?
They wrote them a Czech.
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Why did the French plant trees on either side of the road?
So the Germans could march in the shade.
As a Englishman, I feel shame for my countries lack of a unique dish
I mean, look at Italy with their pasta and pizza. Portugal has Peri-Peri sauce, the French have omlettes and fancy bread. And I think we all know how the good the Germans are with ovens.
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A polish guy and a German guy are arguing..
The polish guy said Polish people are the smartest people in the world. He'd even made ludicrous claims. He said the Polish people invented the outhouse. The German looks at him and says "yes, but it was us d**... Germans who put the hole in the floor"
Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning?
It was the wurst.
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Why do the French plant trees on their boulevards?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?
Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.
The Germans are good at almost everything they do
Except winning in Russia
Russian, French and Italian are being interrogated by Germans
It's year 1943
Russian hold for 1 day and gives up.
French hold for 2 days and gives up.
It's finally time for Italian.
He is gone for 1 week, then for second.
Finally after one month he was brought back to the cell.
Russian and French ask in surprise how did you hold for so long
Italian replies how could I tell them something, if my hands were tied?
In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't?
Ace pilots.
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Why don't Germans like sausage jokes?
Because they are about the wurst.
Germans are so nice.
It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.
French tanks in WW2 have special features
They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Two germans are on vacation
France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.
Germans consider the Titanic a joke.
Which is understandable, if you sink about it.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
My Grandfather killed 6 Germans at Normandy
Don't feel to excited, as he did it on vacation last week.
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It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.
The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German s**... would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!
One day, the Italians decide to reciprocate. One of them yells, "Hey-a, Fritz!" No reply. "Fritz!" Nothing. "Hey-a, Fritz!" "Is that you, Mario?" "Si!" Boom!
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. We are efficient, but not very funny.
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Whats the similarity between budweiser and Belgium?
Germans refuse to believe they are even there
2 Germans in a bar in London
\- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI!
What do Germans do when they run out of beer?
They wine
Three Germans walk in to a BAR.
There were no survivors.
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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the n**....
The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!! The Germans panic and he manages to run away.
The american is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood. Again the Germans panic and he manages to run away.
The Irishman is next the Germans line him up and go ready, aim…. The Irishman confidently yells out Fire fire ….....
Apologies to any Irish offended. And Germans too.
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One pair of Hans should suffice
For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?
Elf.
Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?
Because a stitch in time saves nein.
As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ...
Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.
How do Germans make a Panini?
On a Glutenberg Press
A russian, a jew and a german are at a bar
they talk about their grandfathers war experiences. The russian says: "war for my grandpa was so bad, he was shot on the eastern front fighting germans". Hearing this the jew says: "you think that is bad? my grandfather got killed in a concentration camp...". Seeing that the situation makes him stand in a bad shadow, the german says: "guys, calm down, my grandfather died in war at a german concentration camp too." Surprised both the russian and the jew ask in unison "how?".
The german replies: "poor man fell down from the guard tower".
I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.
Something about five customers being better than one.
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What did the Germans call h**...'s dog?
Mein Fluffer
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An old Russian WW2 joke
This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.
During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, he realizes that all of them are injured, most of them at their hands and arms.
The general interrogates the commander:
"Very impressive! But how did you manage to take all these hostages?"
"Ha, very simple! Just build up a machine gun next to the German trench and yell >>HEIL!! <<"
Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?
Because of Germans rushing to the polls!
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World War 2 joke
Sometime around 1943, when the Germans were losing the war, h**... decided to boost his army's morale by visiting the front.
While there, he had the oppurtunity to interact with a soldier. He commented, "My brave young man, you are risking your life for the country by standing in the way of the artillery fire. You are sure to die. Would you like me to grant you a final wish?"
"Yes, my Fuhrer ", the soldier repiled. "What is it, brave one?"
"That I have the honor of dying with you!"
>!Dont laugh too hard. 200 German soldiers were executed for hearing this and laughing at it.!<
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How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.
Guten Tag!
Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?
It was owned by Germans
