German War Jokes
81 german war jokes and hilarious german war puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about german war that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest German War Short Jokes
Short german war jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The german war humour may include short world war two jokes also.
- My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
- A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war. The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'
- I was on holiday in belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied. - German visits France A german tourist decided to visit France shortly after the war.
The french immigration officer asked the tourist, "Occupation?"
The german replied "Nah, just visiting" - Efficient librarian A German walks into a library and asks for a book on 'War'.
Librarian denies and tells him 'you will lose it.' - What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war? A veteranaryan.
- A german walks into a library and asks for a book on war The librarian replies "No mate, you'll lose it.
- TIL during World War Two, a cheese factory in France was bombed by the Germans. De brie was everywhere!
- What was the common understanding between the French and German generals during World War I? *You win Somme, you lose Somme."*
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German War One Liners
Which german war one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with german war? I can suggest the ones about world war 2 and german luftwaffe.
- How do you get Germans to start a war? Win the previous war.
- How did Russia win the second World War? By stalin' the german advance
- How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938? They wrote them a Czech.
- Who took care of German army dogs after the war? Veteran Aryans
- "The fastest way to end a war is to lose it" -A german proverb
- How do you say "whoops" in German? World War 2
- What was the most popular German coffee product during World War 2? Cream Mate
- The German war effort was made in China Good at first but falls apart in the end
- I think we all should stop thinking about what Germans did in world wars. Verdun with it.
- What did the Germans play in world war 2? Naht-zee
- Where did h**...'s German Shepards go after the war? To the veteran-a**...
Fun-Filled German War Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about german war you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean world war ii jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make german war pranks.
Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the assault on Russia.
Finally, they decide to ask the French: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The French answered: "We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure."
Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The Germans answer: "We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..."
What to do?
Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea.
So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?"
The Chinese replies: "Right now!"
Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic...
Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
British ship
So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?
A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.
He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.
He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out and firing in front of me and my buddies. We had to go in defense position and try to outflank them, but they got flight leader. On second approach we shot a few down and dispersed the rest. On third approach I shot two Fokkers down, but another one got me in the rudder. I went into tail spin and had to bail out. Luckily the f**...-"
The principal of the school suddenly interjected, as at this point nearly everyone was laughing. "Now, students, please be respectful of our guest and where he is from. As some of you may know, a Fokker," the principal said slowly, carefully pronouncing the word, "is a type of German fighter plane used in World War II. There is no need to-"
The Finn had to interrupt, "Excuse me Mr. Principal, actually Fokker is Dutch. We were shooting down Messerschmitts."
Best Read with a German Accent (Warning: Holocaust Joke)
One day during the war, h**... gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But h**..., vhy ze three hamsters". h**... smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
French Jokes
What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.
What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.
Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.
An American, Russian, and French soldier see a German machine gunner. The Russian calls on his comrades to repeatedly s**... charge the German until he runs out of bullets. The American calls for a synchronized b**... strike using the full might the American military to obliterate the German (and all the nearby land). The Frenchman gets blown up by the American strike, because he already surrendered and was taken prisoner by the German.
For sale: A French rifle. Never fired, dropped once.
What's the difference between a French soldier and a brain-dead jugghead? The jugghead runs towards the battle.
Inspired by the American president. The French prime-minister ordered his secret service to carry around a locked briefcase that can only be unlocked by the prime-minister in case of an emergency war. Inside is said to be the controls to the national white-flag system.
What's the French military motto? Don't shoot, we surrender.
A german man 3 years after the war went into the Church...
...He goes to the confession booth and says to the priest
"Father, I have a confession"
"Tell me all about it." The priest replies.
"Well during the war I was harbouring a 17 year old jewish girl." The man says
"The war's over now, that's nothing to be ashamed of."
"And every day she would come down from the attic, and we would have s**..., twice on a sunday."
"It's okay," the priest replies "everybody has urges."
"Oh, and one more thing Father."
"Yes, you can tell me."
"Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"
German spies
During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"
An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest
and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s**... favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"
A World War II Pun
A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want us to have juice in our house."
Two Germans in London
Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar and ask the barkeeper in perfect English:
"Could we have two sherries please?"
The bar keeper responds:"Dry?"
"NEIN ZWEI!!!"
Why did the Germans have a vitamin C deficiency during World War II?
All the juice was put in concentrate camps
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
WW3 due to Ukraine
The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.
They've never won a World War yet.
A German walks into a bar after the World Cup.
As he is ordering a beer, he notices an American sitting at the edge of the bar.
After a tense pause, he says, "Hey American! How many world cups have you won?"
The American calmly replies
"Hey German. How many World Wars have you won?"
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
a joke from the war
a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"
I dumb joke my grandfather learned when he was a prisoner of war.
In a German prison camp, there isn't much to do. A new prisoner shows up, his name is Bill. One of the veteran prisoners, Jack, introduces himself to Bill. They talk, and eventually Jack asks what the prisoners do for fun.
Then a soldier yells, "15!"
Everyone is laughing hysterically.
Then another prisoner yells, "3!"
The laughter is deafening.
Bill asks Jack why these guys are laughing. Jack says that have been using the same jokes for so long that they save time by just assigning numbers to them.
Then a soldier yells, "7!"
Every other prisoner groans.
"Why didn't they laugh at that one?"
"Some people just can't phrase 'em right."
Germans
I do season work at a yachtcharter company and a lot of German people rent a boat there. I decided to quit my job for a better job somewhere else and to have a little fun my last day. I walked up to a German guy and said to him: excuse me sir, it appears you have lost something.. The German said to me?: wass? What did I lost?!!! To which I respond: the war.
Latvia in WW2
Latvian man sent to front in Great Patriotic War. No potato, much shooting. Is captured by Germans. Germans send to POW camp. Get own potato as prisoner! But Soviets liberate camp, take all potato. Man dies in Siberia.
In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, h**... announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has h**... seen this map?"
Popular German "joke" in Belgium
Ask a german guy:
Q: Haben sie etwas verloren? (Did you lose something?)
A: "confused" Nein. (No)
Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!)
Proceed to buy him a drink :)
A World War II joke
What was the German Shepard's defense at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
An old man goes to confession..
An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the n**... in return for s**... favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".
Courtesy of my Dad!
Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?
We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.
Now that the german sense of humor has been acknowledged internationally, we can be sure of one thing...
...next world war is going to be *hilarious*.
The kids at middle school are studying WWII...
... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:
"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."
The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.
"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"
"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."
So what if the Germans started every World War...
It isn't like they ever won one, right?
As a German, I sympathize with the unnamed masses of the Star Wars universe.
For I too know what it's like to be betrayed by an evil Chancellor.
An English WW2 pilot was...
...talking in the school about his war experience.
"So I'm flying over German land in my plane. I was alone. Out of the blue, a fokker flanks me on the right. Then, I found a fokker on my left wing too. I was panicking, when suddenly 2 more fokkers appeared and surrounded me..."
By now, the children are giggling, so an embaressed teacher intervenes, "Actually, fokker is the name of a German airplane."
"Yeah", interjected the pilot, "But these fokkers were flying in Dorniers."
The German representative is just about to sign the Treaty of Versailles ending the war.
The Allies representative: "So you take full responsibility for starting the war?"
German representative: "Yes, we take full responsibility for starting World War one"
Allies representative: "one?"
3 POWs were together in a British War Camp.
There sat 2 Germans and an Italian. The British tourtured the first German and after many hours of screaming, the broken down German finally talked. Ashamed, he went back to the camp and told the other 2 prisoners to stay strong. The British begin to t**... the second German. He preserved through 3 days of pain and suffering, however he talks as well. Sent back to the camp, the Italian is taken to the t**... chamber. After weeks, the British realize that the Italian will die if he is pushed any further. After being brought back to the camp, the Germans asked him how he did it. The Italian replies, "how could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
Zwei Gin Bitte!
During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
English navy ship is sinking...
They are sending message on the radio: "MAY DAY, MAY DAY!! WE ARE SINKING!"
A German ship hears their message and responds: " Zis is German Navy Ship. What are you sinking about?"
Were those peace times or war times, I cannot tell... either way it's funny :)
My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet
In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.
Three Americans who died in battle: a World War I soldier, a World War II soldier, and a Civil War soldier are waiting to get into heaven
Since there seems to be a massive line of people ahead of them, they decide to start chatting amongst themselves.
The WWI soldier says, "So, there I was in the trenches, fightin' that evil German overlord with ridiculous f**... hair!"
The WWII soldier says, "Well, *I* was on Omaha Beach fightin' another evil German overlord with ridiculous f**... hair!"
And then the Civil War soldier says, "Well, the guy I was fighting, he had some German ancestry I guess, and the ridiculous hair wasn't exactly on his face; you know what, lemme just show you his account on Twitter."
TIL that in World War II, German captain Karl Adolf s**...nearly sank a U-1206 submarine because he used the toilet.
I asked a German if he lost something...
"No" he answered.
I replied: "What about those 2 world wars?"
Why were the French defeated so easily by Germans in WW2?
Because the French generals told their soldiers, that to win the war, they needed to strike first.
World War 2
Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."
My grandfather shot down 20 German b**... in the war.
Poor Friedrich, he was never cut out to be a fighter pilot.
Angela Merkel was discussing the plan for a war...
...against China with her generals.
Merkel: So can we take on 1.4 billion Chinese with only 83 million Germans?
Generals: No worries, 8.8 million Jews in Israel had been taking on the whole Arab world since 1947.
Merkel: So do we have enough Jews to take on China now?
An Italian went to church to admit his sins.
When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of s**.... First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.
A russian, a jew and a german are at a bar
they talk about their grandfathers war experiences. The russian says: "war for my grandpa was so bad, he was shot on the eastern front fighting germans". Hearing this the jew says: "you think that is bad? my grandfather got killed in a concentration camp...". Seeing that the situation makes him stand in a bad shadow, the german says: "guys, calm down, my grandfather died in war at a german concentration camp too." Surprised both the russian and the jew ask in unison "how?".
The german replies: "poor man fell down from the guard tower".
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
World War 2 joke
Sometime around 1943, when the Germans were losing the war, h**... decided to boost his army's morale by visiting the front.
While there, he had the oppurtunity to interact with a soldier. He commented, "My brave young man, you are risking your life for the country by standing in the way of the artillery fire. You are sure to die. Would you like me to grant you a final wish?"
"Yes, my Fuhrer ", the soldier repiled. "What is it, brave one?"
"That I have the honor of dying with you!"
>!Dont laugh too hard. 200 German soldiers were executed for hearing this and laughing at it.!<
Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:
''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''
After some time he sends a performance report:
''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''
Library
Why did the library refuse to lend a German a book on the second world war?
Because they lost the first one.
Jack and Jim are on sentry duty during the first World War, when Jim says, "You know how we're on a bonus of a dollar for every German we capture?"
"Yes," says Jack. "Well don't tell anyone," says Jim, "but there's $5000 worth coming over that hill."