German Nein Jokes
97 german nein jokes and hilarious german nein puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about german nein that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest German Nein Short Jokes
Short german nein jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The german nein humour may include short german word jokes also.
- A German is at the border to go to Poland. The officer asks him:
Name?
Hans Gruber.
Address?
123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin
Occupation?
Nein, just visiting. - How did the german spy get caught? He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.
The bartender asked him: "Dry?"
To which he replied: "Nein, zwei" - A german tourist arrived at Charles de Gaulle The immigration officer greets him, " Bonjour Monsieur, Welcome to paris, Name?"
"Wolfgang Schmidt."
"Occupation?"
"Nein, Tourism." - All children go through a phase of saying "no" to everything. For german children it's the age of "nein".
- A German student asked his math teacher "do you have a favorite number?" The teacher replied "nein!"
- I asked a German mathematician if he would tell me what the square root of 81 is. He said "*nein!*" and walked off. Guess that one was too hard for him.
- Knock knock. 9. Nein your business. German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny.
- Two Germans are talking about 9/11.... One said : How much terroristen died zat dey? Twelve? The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."
- When your a german man and someond asks if you have cheated on your wife and if so how many women with. Nein.
- A German optimist wanted to write a book to cheer his friends up It was entitled "Nein Kampf"
Share These German Nein Jokes With Friends
German Nein One Liners
Which german nein one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with german nein? I can suggest the ones about mean german and german language.
- What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta? Nein nein!
- What do you get when you crossbreed a chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein.
- 2 Germans in a bar in London \- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI! - Out of ten My German girlfriend gave my proposal a nein.
- Why do Germans believe in procrastinating? Because a stitch in time saves nein.
- What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses? Nein Stein
- What is the favourite gun caliber of a german? Nein millimeter.
- What do you call an indecisive German Shepard K Nein
- What time signature is most German music written in? Nein four.
- Found a copy of "Dr. No" in German, and it only set me back nein euro.
- They said to pick a number between 1 and 8 in German I said nein.
- What's a german's favorite golf club? The nein iron!
- i asked a German man if he had a wife He said he had nein.
- Why did the German decide to throw out the square battery? Because it has nein volts!
- Why are German Cats Depressed? They have Nein Lives
German Nein Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about german nein you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean german car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make german nein pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From Memphis Belle
A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the n**... on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a b**... mission?"
The n**... figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.
A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.
The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"
The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"
"We think you are trying to escape!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What percentage of germans are not n**...?
ninety-nine point nein nein nein nein nein nein nein percent
German spies
During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
on a scale from 1 to 10, how German are you?
Nein.
a joke from the war
a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"
Do you know what number does the German Scrum-Half have on their back?
Nein
A german asks his friend for the time
So a german asks his friend
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Nein"
"really? I could've sworn it was 8"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Berlin 1945
Ten Soviet soldiers are lining up to r**... a German woman.
She keeps screaming "Nein!Nein!"
So one of them left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII...
A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg.
"Hey, next time you guys are b**... England, can you drop it over my base?"
So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied.
"Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"
"Why not?"
"Because ve zink you are trying to escape!"
Popular German "joke" in Belgium
Ask a german guy:
Q: Haben sie etwas verloren? (Did you lose something?)
A: "confused" Nein. (No)
Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!)
Proceed to buy him a drink :)
What did the butler say to the German Scientist when they ran out of whine?
Nein wine, Einstein.
The 10 Commandments
So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says:
"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"
"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"
"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans:
"I have new Commandments from God."
"Ja? Vat do they say?"
"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"
The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:
"I have new Commandments from God..."
"How much?"
"Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."
How many lives does a German cat have
NEIN!
Why did the German cat die?
Because it had nein lives.
What's a german's favourite number?
Nein
what did the angry German man say when he was asked to count to 10?
NEIN!!!
What does a German woman dial when a man won't take no for an answer
Nein! Nein! Nein!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Asked a German how many s**... partners he had....
He said Nein!
Why was German contradiction afraid of seven?
Because seven ate Nein
A German wakes up late for work
Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!
Why did windows go from 8 to 10
Because the german market kept saying windows nein
I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest,
the guy who won was some German chap,
the judges gave him perfect neins
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Refugees in Germany
So, a German girl is being r**... by 12 men. She cries out "Nein Nein!" So three of them left. - Big Dickinson
What did the German janitor say when asked if his 11 AM appointment was outdoors?
Nein! Eleven was an inside job.
Some Germans walk into a restaurant...
Waiter: Table for eight?
German: Make it nein.
In an emergency how would you get hold of a German and two Mexicans?
Dial Nein Juan Juan
I asked a German whether he knew what ten take one was
He replied with "nein"
Zwei Gin Bitte!
During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
TIL that 10 german planes crashed on Berlin a day before the September 11 attacks.
Nein, 11.
If I had to decide how much I love you on a scale from 1 to 10...
...I'd say a German nein.
-Courtesy of my boyfriend-
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When do Germans commit r**...?
After nein
When do Germans open their christmas presents?
After nein
So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...
...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".
Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"
What does a German man bring to a golf tournament?
His nein Iron
Statistically speaking.....
Nein out of 10 German girls are considered attractive by other people.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the phone number for the German r**... Support Hotline?
Nein! Nein! Nein!
A German Man Goes to America
He walks into a bar, and, after having a few beers, the waitress asks him if he wants any more beers, the man says nein
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two students and a teacher want to have s**... with foreign exchange students.
One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"
The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"
The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really? I could have sworn you were only eight years old."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... failed to create the perfect race?
Cause the Germans were all nein.
Confusion reigns at the Olympics
A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.
Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"
The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a German queen who refuses to listen to Mozart?
Queen of the Nein.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats a German r**... victim's favorite s**... Position?
Sixty NEIN
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a German kid?
A nein year old!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
British pilot shot down over Germany...
...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and when he asked for that to be dropped over his base the Germans said nein, zis ve cannot do anymore!
Why asked the pilot?
Because ve zink you're trying to escape.
(Sorry about the German accent, best I could do)
I met a German girl and asked her how attractive I was on a scale of 1-10
She told me I was a Nein so I guess you could say I'm off the charts 😏
Why are German flashlights always dead?
They use Nein Volt Batteries.
How does a German number 9 say no
Nein
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did You Know All Cats Are German? You Wanna Know Why?
Because they all have nein lives.
Do you think Germans can count past eight?
Nein
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when you get a german cat and kill them?
they get Nein lives.
Two german tourists walk into an american bar
One of them says:
"-We would like a martini please!"
The bartender responds:
"-Dry?"
"-Nein, zwei"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
7 attractive men meet a German woman at a bar
They are incredibly drunk so they drag her out back to a secluded alley. The whole time shes screaming NEIN NEIN NEIN.
So they went and got 2 more guys.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk American was p**... on a street in Germany
When a German girl walks by and screams Ah Nein! The American guy says, I'm flattered but I think it's closer to 8.
A German 6 walks into a bar
The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my German wife to give me a 69...
She replied, s**..., Nein!
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."