A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
It's a pretty good ยต-boat.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sรฌ"
"Ja"
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Because its illegal.
One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.
Nothing. German engineering is flawless.
He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.
The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sรญ"
"Ja"
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
รรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรรร....
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...๏ปฟ
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
Weird right?
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
Been there, Done that.
He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
Danke.
Its a concentration camp
Whoops. Wrong sub.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
and you'll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!
I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.
Danke.
The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday."
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."
I'd tap that.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
Yes, I fear the wurst
Gluten tag
Win the previous war.
Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
Dat schud stoppem frum floppen.
they said "V.R. Ready"
Whoops, wrong sub.
it's called gluten tag.
I'll show myself out.
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
Now it's Hans-Free
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."
I guess it's a German thing
Au revoir, amigo.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
Whoops, wrong sub.
now its Hans free
Concentration Camps
"Vee haf vays to make you tock"
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:
"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"
"Half a million within two days."
"And if we invade with a million troops?"
"We shoot twice and go home."
when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"
Yes, Oui, Si, Ja
The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."
A que-nein.
He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
"Audi".
were watching an excellent street performer juggling. The street performing noticed the four gentlemens were having trouble seeing him, so he stood up on a crate and asked "can you see me now?".
The four men answered back "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"
Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kรคse scenario.
None. German light bulbs are quality products.
The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out can you see me now?
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
They call them danke memes.
He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
We have collected gags and puns about German to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about German? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny German pick up lines to share with friends.