The Best 92 German Jokes
Following is our collection of funny German jokes. There are some german nazi jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these german german knock knock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest German Jokes and Puns
classic germans
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
Four men are watching a juggler...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ."
"Ja."
What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?
I'd tap that.
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw.
Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday."
TIFU by climbing into a German U-Boat
Whoops. Wrong sub.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999.
Weird right?
What does a German snake sound like?
ΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓ....
A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?
Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
You can explore german kraut reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean german tik dad jokes. There are also german puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...
As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."
No matter how kind you are...
No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
German women love me...
I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD
Its a concentration camp
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?
Gluten tag
My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.
I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?
He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
Germans be like:
Been there, Done that.
So I went to the club last night and asked a German girl for her number...
and you'll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
What do you say when a German shares a meme with you?
Danke.
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
The German dream
The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
How do you get Germans to start a war?
Win the previous war.
I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
What does the German say when you show him a good meme?
Danke.
A German was going to a trip in France...
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
How do you say "bra" in German?
Dat schud stoppem frum floppen.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.
The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"SΓ"
"Ja"
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.
A German man visiting France
He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time."
An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German
Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
A German joke from 1944
How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2
He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.
I have a phobia of German sausage
Yes, I fear the wurst
An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?
Because its illegal.
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?
Nothing. German engineering is flawless.
That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?
What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.
It's a pretty good Β΅-boat.
A German tourist comes to France
...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?"
"Dry?"
"No, just one."
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"Thomas."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.
Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
No matter how kind you are,
German children are always Kinder.
Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma".
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
Β
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
Β
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.
Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.
Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!
Translated from German, I hope this works: What's 3x3?
No
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis
There were an awful lot of red flags.
A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.
Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.
Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...
Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.
How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
We are very effective and donΒ΄t have a great sense of humor.
Guten Tag!
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says This soup is cold. The parents are amazed and ask If you can talk, why have you not spoken before? The child replies Up to now everything has been satisfactory!
A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and lack a sense of humour.
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
Credit to pjabrony
What is the German word for a bra?
stoppenfromfloppen
I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)
23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.
The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know *FOR A FACT* that my grandparents came to the USA from **Argentina!**
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Because we are very efficient and have a poor sense of humor.
Germany has just warned its population of an upcoming susage and cheese shortage.
They are calling it the wurst kΓ€se scenario.Β
What do you call a German emergency?
The wurst-case scenario.
My neighbor has two German Shepards that he has named "Rolex" and "Timex"....
They're watch dogs
My company was recently bought out. Now, instead of making baseball equipment we're making German sausages...
...things have gone from bat to wurst.
Went out for beers at a bar that serves fantastic German street food. They had stopped serving food when we got there.
It was the wurst!
I asked a German mathematician if he would tell me what the square root of 81 is.
He said "*nein!*" and walked off. Guess that one was too hard for him.
My kids love to pretend they own a German restaurant
For me it's a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.
UnPC Definitions of Heaven and Hell
Heaven is where the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, the businessmen/bankers are Jewish, the police are Irish and the mechanics are German.
Hell is where the cooks are Irish, the lovers are Jewish, the mechanics are French, the businessmen/bankers are Italian, and the police are German.
My german friend must have really liked the haircut I gave him
He kept yelling 9, 9, 9....
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the german german football jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working german german jew piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.