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Germ Jokes

130 germ jokes and hilarious germ puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about germ that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Germ Short Jokes

Short germ jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The germ humour may include short mold jokes also.

  1. A germ walked into a bar The bartender said "We don't serve your kind here; you'll have to leave."
    And the germ said "But I work here- I'm staph!"
  2. They say money is covered in germs But I don't think even germs could live on the money I make.
  3. Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans? We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.
  4. So my 12 year old son asked me what are Cooties. "Well son, when I was a child, we thought cooties were a germ only girls had"
    And then my son goes
    "So it's like Chlamydia"
  5. I know a friend who doesn't use hand sanitizer because it only kills 99.9% of the germs. I don't get it. Get two squirts, and it kills 199.8% of germs.
  6. What type of tree has the most germs? A Sycamore. (I came up with this one when I was like, 9.)
  7. If Colgate kills 99.9% of germs, what does Colgate sensitive do? It kills 99.9% of germs, without hurting their feelings.
  8. This holiday season, get your girl a Jared Diamond ...but get her Collapse--she's probably already read Guns, Germs, and Steel.
  9. 2 VD germs 2 VD germs crossing the road and a big lorry hurtles towards them. One says to the other 'Looks like we're a goner ear.:
  10. Cleaning products only kill 99% of all germs on a given surface. No wonder socialists hate the 1%.

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Germ One Liners

Which germ one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with germ? I can suggest the ones about herb and fungus.

  1. If a single germ can infect over 300 people... Imagine what a married one could do.
  2. My father's sister is obsessed with killing germs, we call her Auntie Bacterial.
  3. Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!
  4. When I was young, I thought all germs came from Germany.
  5. What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza? Little Sneezers
  6. Which country is the dirtiest? GERM-ANY
    sorry germany :/
  7. Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.
  8. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 Do u guys/girls think that germaphobes are scars of the germ in the name?
  9. What do you call a blind member of the SS who's always sick? A not see germ man.
  10. What did Howie Mandel say when he was in a room full of germs? Get me out of here!
  11. Where's germ originate from? Germany
  12. How do germs figure out the temperature? They measure in Cell-sius.
  13. What kind of watch does Germs Bond wear? An Amoeba.
  14. A germ walks into a bar.... The soap kills him
  15. where do germs go to get wasted? read des. the soap bar

Germ joke, where do germs go to get wasted? read des.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about germ can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of germ puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Witty Germ Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about germ you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean gene jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make germ prank.

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"

The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.
They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"
The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital...

...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"

A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff.

He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

Here's an old German joke: What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner?

There's only one dirtbag in the vacuum cleaner.

A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw.

Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday."

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**One.**

They're very efficient and don't have a great sense of humour.

How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

One. We're efficient not funny!

What does a German snake say?

ßßßß

What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

So a German installs a bath around his desk...

BADUMTISCH

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"

The German says "Nein, just one"

A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...

The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."

When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.
I'll show myself out.

Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?

They already had all the camps set up.

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Käse scenario.

German women love me...

I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.

What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

Ein stein.

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

Gluten tag

A German is at the border to go to Poland.

The officer asks him:
Name?
Hans Gruber.
Address?
123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin
Occupation?
Nein, just visiting.

Where do german parents send their ADD kids?

Concentration Camps

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

Germans be like:

Been there, Done that.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. German light bulbs are quality products.

Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes?

Jews only have 10 fingers.

A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

How does Germany pay for all these refugees?

Krautfunding.

A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...

The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?

"Vee haf vays to make you tock"

What do you say when a German shares a meme with you?

Danke.

The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?
German: Hans Guttermark
Pole: Age?
German: Neunundzwanzig.
Pole: Occupation?
German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

A German man was crossing the border into France...

The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."

What does the German say when you show him a good meme?

Danke.

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"

German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding.

The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.

A German and a jew walk into a bar...

The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".

A German asks for a martini…

"Dry?" asks the bartender.
The German, confused: "No, just one."

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time."

A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard?

A new last name.

A German is visiting France.

The border patrol officer asks, "name?"
Hans Mueller.
"Occupation?"
No, just visiting this time.

How do german kickstarters get money?

Krautfunding.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its i**....

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. German engineering is flawless.

Why did the German cross the road?

Because the electronic traffic signal indicated that it was the appropriate time to do so.

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

A German walks into a bar

and says, "can I have a martini please?"
"Dry?"
"No, just one."

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?"

The German replies "Nein, just one."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient and have no sense of humor

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"Thomas."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. We are efficient, but not very funny.

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream g**...!
The German man responds, Groß? Danke!
Translation - Big? Thanks!

how many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

one. Germans are efficient and not very funny.

German tourist visits France.

Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".

2 Germans in a bar in London

\- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI!

What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

How many German people does it take to change a lighbulb?

Only 1. They are efficient and lack sense of humor.

What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

Nein nein!

Germ joke, What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

jokes about germ

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these germ jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.