georgia Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious georgia puns

A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl

A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night:
"First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power".
"Then take off your clothes for her to know that georgia is beautiful".
And then grandpa adds:
"Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent".

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Georgia joke

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

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So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her parents and grandparents had. I asked her what she ate on an average day, and she told me:

"Every morning when I wake up, I eat a breakfast of half a pound of bacon, four eggs fried in the bacon lard, hash browned potatoes, and cheese grits. Lunch, I mostly have chicken-fried steak smothered in sausage gravy, and for dinner I like to have BBQ rack of ribs with some apple cobbler for dessert."

"Wow, that's quite an appetite. Do you drink alcohol?"

"Hell yeah. I have a six pack when I wake up, a fifth of whiskey in the afternoon, and a few bottles of moonshine after the sun goes down, then a shot of blackberry brandy before bed to settle my nerves."

"How about smoking?"

"Well, I'm down to two packs a day now. I smoke reefer on the weekends, and like a cigar with my brandy before bed."

I was bowled over. "Amazing, Ida, I've never met anyone like you where I'm from. Can I ask exactly how old you are?"

"Sure, I'm twenty-nine."

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A story about a Redneck and a Game Warden.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

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Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

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College roommates

Two girls, one from Georgia, one from Connecticut, are going to be roommates in college in Virginia.

On move-in day, they are unpacking and settling in, when the southern belle asks "So where y'all from?"

The northern girl replies with a huff: "Well! I'm from Connecticut, where they teach us not to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The Georgian girl responds: "Oh, I apologize! Where y'all from, cunt?"

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The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

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A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

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a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.

The mother of the toddler said

"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"

BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING BEAST

"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".

the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"

GEORGIA MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING DOG

"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."

"oh". the reporter scowled

"the headline's gonna be:"

YANKEE BUTCHERS FAMILY PET

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HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.

Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.

Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

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Baby Names

A little girl asked her Mom why she was named Savannah. Well your father and I were on a trip to Savannah, Georgia when you were conceived so we named you Savannah replied her mom. What about me? Her sister Sydney asked. Well your father and I were on a trip to Sydney, Australia when you were conceived so we named you Sydney replied the mom. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard their brother shouted out. Hey, you watch your mouth Wendy's Bathroom the mother shouted back.

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Make us even

Two good ol' boys in a Georgia trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Kia plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that
make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would
make us even!"

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Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.

One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.

The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.

Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"

Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."

The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

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Two girls are moving into a college dorm...

Two girls are moving into a college dorm. One is from Georgia the others from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut is hanging curtains with her mother in the dorm.

The girl from Georgia walks in and says them "What beautiful curtains, where are y'all from?".

The girl from Connecticut replies, "A place where we know better then to end a sentence with a preposition".

The girl from Georgia says, "I beg your pardon, where are y'all from, cunt?

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Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

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A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia.

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.

The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 miles back. Everything was fine, then all of a sudden, he pulled out a gun and told me to pull off the road. He made me take off all my clothes. Then he tied me to this tree, and he drove off with my car, my clothes, my iPhone, and my wallet. I've been here for two hours with my ass sticking out toward the road, and no one stopped to help me."

The Sheriff unzipped his pants, hummed the first few bars of the banjo part from Deliverance, and said to the guy, "Well, I guess this ain't your lucky day."

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A social worker from a big city.....

.....recently transferred to the sticks in south Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

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Two girls move into a dorm, one from Georgia and the other from Connecticut...

The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.

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So I saw one of those "Drink for Pink" labels on a bottle of juice...

Sounds like Georgia Tech's hookup strategy.

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Two girls are setting up their new dorm room together.

One is from Georgia and the other is from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut has her mom there helping her put up some blinds. The one from Georgia asks, "Hey! Where y'all from?" The other girl replies, "We're from a place where we know not to end our sentences with prepositions." So the girl from Georgia says,

"Oh, I'm sorry. Where y'all from...cunt?"

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Two Alabama State Troopers

Two Alabama state troopers were chasing a Mustang on I-20 East towards Georgia. When the suspect crossed the state line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie trooper parked behind him and asked, "Hey, Sarge, why'd you stop?"

The sergeant replied, "Ah, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we ain't ever gonna catch him."

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I think it's kinda funny people named their kids after US states…

Y'know, names like Carolina, Georgia, Dakota, Virginia, etc. When I have a kid, I'm gonna name him Michigan, just in case some guy named Mitch reincarnates into him.

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A man from South Georgia goes to the doctor...

Once he gets home he starts bossing his children around and won't listen to a word his wife says, all the while doing nothing round the house himself, except for drink and watch tv.

Eventually, his wife snaps and says "Leroy, since you went to tha doctor you been actin' like a real asshole!"

He replies "Look here Shanell, the doctor told me I was impotent and if I'm impotent I'm sure as hell gonna act impotent!"

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A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a car. He says...

...to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

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Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims in Oklahoma and Texas

They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light

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Four southern belles

Four southern belles are sitting on the porch on a fine Georgia afternoon sipping sweet tea. The first one says "My husband just bought me this new diamond bracelet. Isn't it just so Beautiful?" All the ladies reply "Hmmm, that's niice."

The second one says "Well now, you see that nice new shiny silver Mercedes convertible? My husband just bought me that. Isn't it just darling?" The ladies reply "Hmmm, that's niice."

The third one says "Well MY husband is just the sweetest of all. That yacht sitting out on the lake just there. My husband bought me that and named it after me." The ladies reply "Hmmm, that's niice."

The fourth one says "Well my husband loves me so much that he sent me to finishing school to become a perfect lady." Puzzled, the ladies are silent. "Finishing school? Whatever did you learn in finishing school?"

"I learned how to say 'Hmmm, that's niice.' insteada FUCK YOU!"

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Why are Georgian made cars so shitty?

Because they're always Stalin

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My girlfriends are a lot like the winters we have here in Georgia.

When I finally get one they stick around for 2 days then leave

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A friend from the USA has problems differentiating states and countries...

So I explained to him that Georgia is a state, but Georgia on the other hand is a country.

Fun fact: It's no joke, that really happened, unfortunately.

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what do you call a girl in Georgia that can outrun her brothers?

A Virgin.

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Why can the Devil never go back to Georgia?

He fiddled up a little kid.

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Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

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Georgia and Alabama hate each other

Really we have very similar jokes for each other. In Georgia we say that we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama because if it was invented anywhere else it'd be called a teeth brush. In Alabama they say that we sure have some strange uses for those grout cleaners.

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The Devil went down to Georgia . . .

And obviously reneged on his deal with Falcons fans.

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Why are cars made in Georgia so shitty?

Because they're always Stalin.

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What are the most funny Georgia jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Georgia? Well, here are the best Georgia dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Georgia pick up lines to share with friends.

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