George Washington Jokes

115 george washington jokes and hilarious george washington puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about george washington that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest George Washington Short Jokes

Short george washington jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The george washington humour may include short george bush jokes also.

  1. What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
    Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
    Donald Trump can't tell the difference
  2. George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ... "I cannot tell the difference!"
  3. George Washington Today What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?
    Scratchin' the inside of his coffin.
  4. If George Washington were alive today... he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently.
  5. Coining Money. George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money.
    Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that?
    Yoda: Yep
  6. New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree it was actually brought down by Russian hackers
  7. George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness. In that regard, he was on the money.
  8. George Washington: "We should put 'We trust in God' on our money" John Adams: "Brilliant idea! Did you get that?"
    Yoda: *taking note* "Yep"
  9. A history question about some lesser known figures. Who was George Washington Carver? The guy who cut up George Washington.
  10. What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat? "Men, get in the boat!"

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George Washington One Liners

Which george washington one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with george washington? I can suggest the ones about george w bush and washington dc.

  1. I was named after George Washington. He was named in 1732. I was named in 1990
  2. People used to think George Washington was antisocial. But he just wasn't a party person.
  3. How did George Washington get around? on Air HORSE One!
  4. As George Washington once famously said Don't believe everything you read on Reddit
  5. If George Washington was alive today, he'd probably say Why am I in a coffin?
  6. Did you know George Washington is not on the 1$ bill? It's just a picture of him.
  7. If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age!
  8. Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies.
  9. Why can't George Washington ever tell a lie? Because he's dead.
  10. What do you call George Washington's wooden teeth? Presidentures
  11. Who sculpted Mount Rushmore? George Washington Carver.
  12. George Washington's brother... was the uncle of our country.
  13. George Washington was the first ever He had unprecedented success
  14. What was George Washington's favorite chore? Washing Tons of dishes.
  15. What's George Washington's favorite element? Americium-1776

Delightful Fun George Washington Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about george washington you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thomas jefferson jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make george washington pranks.

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.

Q: What would George Washington be doing if he were alive? A: Terrified, screaming in his coffin.

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

She has waited so long…
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really don’t want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

Yo mama so old she had a wedding picture with George Washington.

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.
She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.
She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"
"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

George Washington

Where does George Washington keep his armies? [spoiler] in his sleavies! [/spoiler]

Man goes to his son and asks 'Did you tip over the outhouse'?

Son says, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek'. Father says 'That's it, you're going to the woodshed for some serious a**...-whuppin!' 'But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn't get punished!' 'George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree!'

Why was George Washington so good at hide-and-seek?

Because he always founder.

Why was George Washington buried on Mount Vernon?

Because he was dead!

Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?

It was an axe-ident.

This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.

One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."

A teacher is scolding a young boy for telling lies...

Teacher: George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Ben, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Ben: Because George still had the axe in his hand?

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
bill clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

George Washington and the Silver Dollar

According to legend, George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Patomac River. You can't do this today because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.

What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?

They were the last three white guys with those last names.

George Washington and two other people go to Heaven...

Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says,
"I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."
The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies,
"Well, that's not too many."
And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates.
The second person says that he had 5 children.
"That's a lot!"
And whips him up a broken down Ford Model T.
George Washington had to get to the Gates by foot. The two other people were waiting for him there. When they asked why he had to do that, since he didn't have any children when he was alive:
"Some idiot told him I'm the father of my country!"
Oh, and thanks /u/reg8382748 for pointing it out, PRETEND GEORGE WASHINGTON KNOWS WHAT THE FRICK A CAR IS.

A simple SFW joke

Son: Dad, why are you spanking me? I admitted I chopped down the cherry tree. Even George Washington's father didn't s**... him for that.
Father: Yes, but his father wasn't in the tree when it happened!

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A. Because he couldn't lie.
Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A. Presidentures!
Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
A. Really, really, really old!
Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Why do cherry trees smell bad?

Because George Washington cut one.

Funny comeback from a student

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

What do they call the lower roadway of the George Washington Bridge?

the lower roadway of the George Washington Bridge

What war-dance did George Washington perform after becoming incontinent? (Not g**...)

The War of In-Depends Dance.

I received the oddest dollar bill as change. When I looked closely, I noticed that George Washington was wearing face-paint, a wig, and round, red nose.

It was obviously a clownterfeit.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson

Do you know why George Washington 's father forgive him?

Because Washington still holding the axe

What color was George Washington's white horse?

Haha morons

George Washington's bark was from the same tree as his bite.

What's with all the clocks?

A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside.
**M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks?
**G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are represented by clocks. Every time someone tells a lie, the clock moves 1 minute.
**M:** Wow there's a lot of people up here. Look, George Washington's clock never moved! Mine is at 2:27.... Hmm. Hey, where's Donald Trump's clock?
**G:** Oh, I keep that in my office and use it as a fan!

How did George Washington survive being shot so many times in war and duels?

He put all of his points into Constitution.

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Why did George Washington leave office after his second term.

He wanted to set a president.

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Yoda.

Chelsea Clinton is so patriotic

That she wore George Washington's wooden teeth for her speech last night

If George Washington Carver became a teacher, what would his nickname be?

The Nutty Professor

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.
Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Did you know sculptors who make likenesses of America's first president generally don't earn much?

I guess it makes sense that a George Washington carver gets paid peanuts.

Hillary is like the George Washington of 2016.

She cannot tell a lie.

What was George Washington's campaign slogan?

Make America.

Your momma so fat...

Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge

Did anybody hear about the seismic activity in Virginia early this morning?

Turns out it was just George Washington rolling over in his grave.

Did you hear about the new documentary on George Washington Carver?

It's called "Nothin' Like A Good Nut!"

What's George Washington's favorite song.

Doesn't matter, just as long as it's royalty-free.

Who was the first president that didn't blame anything on his predecessors?

George Washington

My opinion of George Washington has been forever changed.

I just learned that he was once considered the worst and most corrupt president ever

I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington.

My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe.

George Washington may have never told a lie...

But, Chuck Norris doesn't even know what a cherry tree is.

Little Johnny's teacher asks,

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked." St. peter points behind them and says
"It has only ever ticked 3 seconds." The guys then asked "where is Abraham Lincolns clock at." St peters points in front of them and says "it has never ticked a single second." The guy then asked "where Donald Trumps clock at" st peters say "oh, it is in jesus's office he is using it as a ceiling fan."

On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.

Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets. Trump's face sours, and he yells FAKE NEWS!
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks how can I make America great again? Washington replies I would suggest you never tell a lie , which infuriates Trump.
Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks how can I make America great again? . Lincoln responds, go to the theater.

I personally agree with the repeal of Net Neutrality.

George Washington

What were George Washington's last words?

(He choked to death)

On George Washingtons birthday we also celebrate his wooden teeth

Better known as Presidentures

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies
*best joke my eleven-year-old past self ever heard

Why do cherry trees stink?

George Washington cut one.
Apparently I told this to my Catholic priest as a child..

A man died and went to Heaven.

He was greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He saw a wall of clocks that had names on them. He asked Saint Peter what they were for. He replied "They are lie clocks, and every time you lie, the hands move one minute." He showed him George Washington's clock, which was at 12:00, and he told him this meant he had never lied. He then showed him Bill Gates' clock, which was at 1:30, which meant he had lied 90 times. The man asked where Trump's clock was. Saint Peter said "It's in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"

Ghosts in the Whitehouse

One night, Donald J Trump was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the Whitehouse. Trump asks "George, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did" Washington said.
The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved though the dark bedroom. "Tom," Trump asks, "What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises
Trump didn't sleep well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe. what is the best thing I can do the help the country?" Trump asks.
Abe answered, "Go see a play"

George Washington led an army on Christmas to ensure U.S. Independence

and as a History major, I'm proud that I too will work this walmart selling batteries

jokes about george washington