George Jokes
167 george jokes and hilarious george puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about george that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best George jokes of all time! From the legendary wit of George Carlin to the observational humor of George Lopez. We have Harold and Joseph on hand to provide some hilarious entertainment. Read this article and find yourself enthralled and laughing enthusiastically!
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Funniest George Short Jokes
Short george jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The george humour may include short enthusiastically jokes also.
- What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
Donald Trump can't tell the difference - George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters.
(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying) - What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life? Fred and George Weasley.
- George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.
- George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, Too soon. It was September 10th.
- England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
- Patrick Rothfuss, Robert Jordan, and George RR Martin walk into a bar... I'll finish writing this later
- Paul: "So lads, any idea how we're gonna end 'Hey Jude'"? John: Nah.
George: Nah.
Ringo: Nah. - Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library? It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.
- I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"
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George One Liners
Which george one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with george? I can suggest the ones about peter and george washington.
- I was named after George Washington. He was named in 1732. I was named in 1990
- Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use twitter? He killed all 140 characters.
- Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM (George Michael)
- what do you call John, Paul and George without Ringo? The Beatless
- I am smarter than George Jetson Because unlike him, I wasn't born yesterday
- Son: "Dad, did you get your DNA test results back?" Dad: "Call me George."
- What do you call a zombie with a hickey? A necromancer.
RIP GEORGE A ROMERO - People used to think George Washington was antisocial. But he just wasn't a party person.
- For sale. George Foreman grill set and Mohammad Ali dvds. Both boxed.
- What do you get when you mix Dr. Seuss with George Michael? Green Eggs and Wham!
- What did george bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush
- How did George Washington get around? on Air HORSE One!
- As George Washington once famously said Don't believe everything you read on Reddit
- What did the vegan say when he heard about George Floyd? i'm vegan
- Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.
George Bush Jokes
Here is a list of funny george bush jokes and even better george bush puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next... He says, "It seems we're stuck between iraq and a hard place.."
- An actual quote by President George Bush "The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"
- How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant? He never pulled out
- BUSH AND BILL Jokes Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?
A: Because President Bill Clinton's code name was also "Mr. Bush." - What was the main difference between the war in Vietnam and the war in Iraq? George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
- The Clock is Ticking... 9:09
9:10
George Bush
9:12
9:13 - George W. Bush would have stopped 5G, thus stopping COVID-19. He hates towers.
- So Saddam Hussein was trying to give George Bush a high-five... But George Bush left him hanging.
- Roses are red... Harambes in heaven, George Bush had advanced knowledge of 9/11.
- Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for North Korean aggression... He'd have invaded New Zealand by now...
George Washington Jokes
Here is a list of funny george washington jokes and even better george washington puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ... "I cannot tell the difference!"
- George Washington Today What would George Washington be doing if he were alive right now?
Scratchin' the inside of his coffin. - Coining Money. George Washington: We should put "We Trust In God" on our money.
Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that?
Yoda: Yep - Did you know George Washington is not on the 1$ bill? It's just a picture of him.
- New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree it was actually brought down by Russian hackers
- George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness. In that regard, he was on the money.
- If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age!
- A history question about some lesser known figures. Who was George Washington Carver? The guy who cut up George Washington.
- What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat? "Men, get in the boat!"
- Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency? Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."
George Michael Jokes
Here is a list of funny george michael jokes and even better george michael puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What to watch on TV tonight A few days ago, I was watching george michael videos. A couple of days ago, it was a Star Wars marathon. Tonight? The Apprentice.
- What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael? A whambulance
- Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"... was about the coroner?
- Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act? He's called Carlos Whisper
- The opposite of George Strait... is George Michaels
- Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts? He found his lack of Faith disturbing.
- George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them... Careless Swissper
- On the topic of George Michael... I guess you could say it was his "Last Christmas".
Too soon? - George Michael was once a little-known musician, but once he finally hit the charts... Wham! He was a superstar.
- George Michael was jus here... And then wham!
It was his last Christmas
George W Bush Jokes
Here is a list of funny george w bush jokes and even better george w bush puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is George W. Bush's favorite song? Twisted Sister - I Want Iraq
- Why did Trump invite George W Bush to the white house? His accountant said he needed a W2 for taxes
- Whats George W Bush's favorite game? Jenga
- I heard people talking on the street today, they were saying that we should dry George W Bush in concrete But I think that's setting a bad president
- Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport? Because it's way to cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother
- Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger inspire George W Bush to become president? A: Because he could explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German!
- George W. Bush was once asked about his favorite political philosopher.. And he responded that it was Jesus.
- What time does George W. Bush get up in the morning? 9:11
- Why did George W. Bush cross the road? To ask his dad how to run the presidency.
- George W Bush is commemorating 9/11 by... Having someone explain 'My Pet Goat' to him.
George Carlin Best Jokes
Here is a list of funny george carlin best jokes and even better george carlin best puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin
Rib-Tickling George Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about george you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean george michael jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make george pranks.
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...
She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".
I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:
Nelly
Erika Badu
Vanilla Ice
Eminem
Rhianna
Green Day
Oasis
Nirvana
Nine inch Nails
Aerosmith
George Strait
Ilene Woods
Vince Gill
Enya
Yoko ono
Otis Redding
U2
Uncle Kracker
Pappa Roach
It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What were you thinking?
Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
j**... Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
what is it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an
ugly woman takes a seat next to him.
She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.
The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you."
George says: "It must be a crocodile?"
She replies: "Close enough"
George and Mildred
It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"
So George W. Bush is in his office..
when his secretary of defense walks in, "we lost 2 Brazilians in Iraq today."
GW puts his head in his hands looks up very sullen and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"
What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?
Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.
My punchlines are like lost baggage...
you should get them in a couple of days.
- George Watsky
Two men are walking down the street
When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man goes to his son and asks 'Did you tip over the outhouse'?
Son says, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek'. Father says 'That's it, you're going to the woodshed for some serious a**...-whuppin!' 'But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn't get punished!' 'George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree!'
Shrove Tuesday
"Dad why is my brother called George?"
"Cos he was born on St George's day"
"Dad why is my brother called David?"
"Cos he was born on St David's day"
"Dad.."
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."
This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.
One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."
George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...
...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.
He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.
Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"
George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.
The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
bill clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"
George Washington and the Silver Dollar
According to legend, George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Patomac River. You can't do this today because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
Guy runs a red light
A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"
-George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
Did you hear the one about Mike Tyson, Lennox Lewis, George Foreman and floyd mayweather Jr in queue at the bank?
Punchline
Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?
There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Which fraternity was George Lucas in during College?
Psi Phi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George stops at red light...
A beautiful blonde stops just beside him.
George pull down his window.
She also pull down her window.
George smiles and asks with a grin on his face " you also f**...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message
o**... Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
TIL King George III had a strong distaste for The Colonies
In fact he found them revolting.
George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest.
George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest. Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.
Today's joke from Russian-language Internet
"You know, they've built a George Orwell memorial in Russia!"
'What? Where?"
"Pretty much everywhere."
Why did George Lucas Cross The Road?
To urinate on my childhood and sell it back to be on blu-ray for $80.
What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?
George Lucas.
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway..
An elderly man was driving his car down the motorway when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M40. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said George. "It's hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.
When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...
He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.
"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"
Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a q**...?"
The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."
After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."
George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary!
His voting machines didn't really give me a choice.
What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood?
One bourbon
One scotch
And one ear
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hopefully George Michael was an o**... donor...
... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart
At least George Micheal wasn't a liar.
Last Christmas he gave us his heart.
The Truth About The Beatles
John was the brain
Paul was the heart
George was the spirit
Ringo was the drummer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard
He's going to get a calmer chameleon.
Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?
That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.
Teacher asked kids to tell her what they liked the most about her and she would tell them who they would be when they grew up.
Sally : I like your hair teacher!
Teacher: well, you're going to be a hair stylist!
George : I like your teeth teacher!
T : Well, you're going to be a dentist.
Then little Johhny jumps out of his seat and yells : I already know what i'm gonna be!
T : well, tell us.
Johhny : A milkman!
Little Johnny's teacher asks,
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
Only one man is happy about what's going on in Texas.
George Strait.
I can just picture him watching the news while singing "All my ex's live in Texas".
George and the Dragon
A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"
George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...
...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.
Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.
In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what life would be like if you'd married him instead of me?"
Barbara Bush replied, "Yes. He'd be President and you'd be serving coffee."
I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin
It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with...
She read hers out: 'One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.' I thought, I've got the better deal here: 'One, your sister... That's where our conversation ended..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I sat there n**... in George Clooney's hotel room, I thought to myself..
I might have accidentally picked up my wife's bucket list instead of mine.
At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.
At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."
A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.
The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."
George Lucas announced that he'd like to make several changes to The Phantom Menace.
But I say let's let Qui-gons be Qui-gons.
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
This joke is translated from georgian.
A teacher is having a lesson about good deeds.
She teaches the kids to help people cross the road and such.
The next day a group of kids go over to the teacher and one of them says:
Hey teacher, Me, Zach, Andy, George, Tom, John and Luke helped a lady to cross the street.
The teacher asked:
Why so many of you?
The kids answer:
She wasnt crossing.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.
Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure
Well, they used to be anyway
Now they're just buried treasure
On his first day at a resort in Greece, George and his wife went down to the beach.
Later when he went back to his room to get something to drink, he found the chambermaid making their bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way back out when he stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure." she replied. "Let me finish the rest of the rooms first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how s**... the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a time traveler meets George W Bush...
Time Traveler: "What year is it?"
George Bush: "2001"
TT: "Before or after the 9/11 t**... attack?"
GB: "Before"
