George Carlinisms Jokes

What are some George Carlinisms jokes?

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

Funny one-liner that George Carlin once wrote.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Guy runs a red light

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"

-George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.

George Carlin on suicide- Quote from life is worth losing

**George Carlin:** Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.


[Stares at watch]


**George Carlin:** There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.


Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.


In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:


Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.


Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.


Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.


In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.


Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?


In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.


In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.


Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.


Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.


Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.


Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.


In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.


And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:


In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.


In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

I feel sorry for homeless gay people

They have no closet to come out of.

(Credits: George Carlin)

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more.

So men are better at it!

\- George Carlin

In memory of the late George Carlin

Catholics hate abortions.

Catholics hate homosexuals.

But who has less abortions than homosexuals?

"A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy, however they claim that no one has shown the slightest but of interest" - George Carlin

In America, anyone can become President.

That's the problem.

~ George Carlin

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin

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