Gently Jokes
97 gently jokes and hilarious gently puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gently that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gently Short Jokes
Short gently jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gently humour may include short softly jokes also.
- When the inventor of the USB dies... they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
- I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins". - If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
First time posting, please be gentle. - What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common? They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*) - New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. This is my first time. Please be gentle.
- they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow
- What do you call a Barbie on fire? A Barbecue!
Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:) - my girlfriend says she can lick the honey from a beehive so gently that the bees won't even know she's there she's a keeper
- I was waitering the other day and a nice old man asked me for a little spoon so I gently lay him down and hugged him from behind
- I knew my prostate exam had gone badly... when the doctor gently put his hands on my shoulders.
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Gently One Liners
Which gently one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gently? I can suggest the ones about slowly and calmly.
- When he gently removed her bra, she whispered why were you wearing my bra?
- What do the Greeks sing while at sea? ρ ρ ρ your boat, gently down the stream...
- Why are gentle men so good in bed? Because ladies come first.
- How do you make a hamburger laugh? Pickle it gently.
- Be the person your dog thinks you are. A gentle lover.
- What do you call a singer gently swaying from one side to another? A rocking Cher.
- What do you call a gentle loving lawyer? Legal Tender
- i was dating a hot air balloonist at least she let me down gently
- I went out with a inflatable women once i had to let her down gently
- Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
- My friend asked for a microwave So i waved at him in a very gentle and subtle manor
- What do you call a peaceful Bruce Lee? Gent Lee (Gently)
- She asked me to be gentle What an odd thing to tell your surgeon before an operation
- How do you gently wake up a sleeping baby? Don't preheat the oven when you bake it.
- Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.. Ha, ha fooled you, I'm a submarine.
Fun-Filled Gently Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about gently you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean politely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gently pranks.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
A father has three daughters, Petal, Butterfly and Breezeblock...
...one day, Petal skips over to her Dad and asks,"Daddy, why am I called Petal?" He lifts her onto his lap, and explains, "Well darling, when you were born, and as I held you in my arms, a petal floated down gently onto your forehead, so we decided to name you Petal."
Butterfly overhears this and asks, "The why am I called Butterfly?" He lifts her onto his lap and explains, "Well darling, when you were born, as I held you in my arms, a butterfly flew down, and landed on your head, so we decided to name you Butterfly".
Breezeblock overhears this and asks, "ERRRGGGHJAAARRGGVYYYBBLLUURRRRRRRR"
Let's pretend
A man and woman, strangers to each other, were assigned to the same sleeper car for an overnight train trip. Because it was late and both were very tired, they agreed to accept what fate had dealt them. The man took the upper berth, and the woman crawled into the lower berth. In the middle of the night, it became awfully chilly, and the man gently awakened the woman to ask whether she would get him another blanket from the storage area. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married." "Wow!" the man replied. "That's a great idea." "Good," said the woman. "Get your own blanket."
Lily walked up to her father and asked a question....
"Father," said Lily, "why did you name me Lily?"
Lily's father smiled, "On the day you were born, a gentle breeze carried a lily through the window, and it gently fell onto your forehead, and so we named you Lily."
Lily smiled at her father, and went back to playing.
On that same day, Lily's sister, Rose, walked up to her father and said, "Father, why did you name me Rose?"
Rose's father tousled her hair, and replied, "When we left the hospital on the day of your birth, a rose petal carried in the breeze fell upon your forehead, and so we named you Rose."
Rose smiled, and went back to playing.
Later that day, the youngest girl in the family, Cinderblock, walked up to her father and said "GRRRAAAaaaAAAAaaHHH!!"
Man v/s Wife
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm, getting friskier by the second.
The wife, half-asleep, turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, dejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, however, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Instructions for cleaning the toilet
**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and s**... it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rather attractive woman after having been in the Pub awhile, goes up to the bar of this small rural Pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly s**... his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly a**.... "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to s**... them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
The Geography of a man and women
THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN AND MEN
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.
THE END.
A couple in their 80's
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At Night
It is night, I'm sleeping. Gently you're moving towards me, softly touching my n**... body searching for that one special place. You've found it and you start s**... on it. You love it so much.
I hate you, mosquito.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The cleaning operation!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly s**... his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I`m afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly a**..., "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to s**... them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...
The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
Boudreaux's dead duck
Boudreaux rushed into Doc Robicheaux's office carrying a duck. He gently placed the duck on the exam table, it lay there limp and not moving.
Doc, you gotta help my duck , Boudreaux said.
Doc Robicheaux looked at the duck and shook his head. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , he said.
Doc, you gotta do something - run some test - do something , Boudreaux demanded.
Okay , Doc Robicheaux said.
The Doc whistled and a large black Labrador Retriever came in. The dog sniffed the duck from all sides, looked at the Doc, shook his head from side to side, and went back out.
The Doc made a clicking sound with his tongue and a gray cat came in. The cat jumped on the table and watched the unmoving duck for a couple of minutes, turned to the Doc, shook his head from sided to side, and went back out.
Boudreaux, your duck is dead , Doc Robicheaux told Boudreaux, Dat'll be 125 dollars .
Dat's a lot just to tell me dat my duck's dead , Boudreaux protested.
Boudreaux, I examined the duck and told you it was dead - that woulda been 10 dollars. You're da one dat demanded da Lab-Work and da Cat-Scan , Doc Robicheaux explained.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.
The Taxi man.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another jewish gag
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"
A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.
His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"
A man buys a talking centipede for a pet...
When he gets home, he puts down his new pet's box, and lets him get adjusted. After a while, the man gets hungry, and starts getting ready to go out to dinner. Before he walks out the door, he remembers the centipede and asks him if he would like to come with him. After waiting a few minutes, he had received no response. He then gently knocked on the box and asked him once more. After waiting again, no response. Finally, he banged on the box several times, yelled if he would like to join him for dinner, and put his ear up to the box. He was at last greeted with a tiny voice saying, "I heard you the first time, I was just putting my shoes on."
Hobo paint job
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Girl farts at the dinner table
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was in college, I had s**... roughly 5 times a week...
but I had s**... gently a lot more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"
Guy walks into a bar and is in despair....
He sits down and asks for 6 top shelf whiskey shots all lined up....
The bartender pours them all out and the guy quickly shoots them one by one.
He asks for 6 more and the bartender obliged. As he's pouring the next 6 shots he gently asks the guy if he's ok.
The man replies with an awkward demeanor - " yah....I'm ok... But you would be nervous too if you had what I had."
The bartender asks the man curiously as he is finishing pouring the last round of shots....... "well... What do you have??"
the man quickly finishes drinking the last of the second round of shots and replies...
" fifty cents."
A 450lb man just hit on me...
I tried to let him down as gently as possible...
But I'm no forklift.
My Mommy, the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."
The frightened taxi driver
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault."
"Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
George Carlin:"Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?"
"What if I want something that works violently right now?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my doctor if I am healthy enough for s**... activity.
He gently touched my leg and said, "Why, yes. What did you have in mind?"
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
A guy gets a call his wife is in labor...
He rushes off to the hospital, but gets stuck in traffic. By the time he gets to the hospital his wife has already had the baby. So he heads down to the nursery to see his new baby. He sees his child sleeping and a nurse walks up and ask, " is this your baby?" The nurse picks up the baby and holds the child up to the father and gently rocks him, the dad is in awe... she takes the baby and throws it against the wall. The dad freaks out and starts screaming and the nurse tells him to calm down...
" I was kidding, it was a still born."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 strangers have a one night stand
The next morning, when both were awake, the woman turned to the guy and asks gently:
"Are you going to make me breakfast or do you s**... at that too?"
My first day as a Chinese police officer
me: guys...it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I gently slid her p**... to the side...
....so I could fit her socks into the drawer
A father takes his son on a fishing trip
On their tiny boat, Little Tommy realises that that the floor is covered in a mess of different nets. He looks up to dad and asks, "Dad, why do we need so many kinds of nets?"
Dad smiles gently and looks into his young son's eyes.
"Back in my day, when I went fishing with my own dad we only needed one net! Nowadays, we need one specifically for trout, herring, bass and all the different kinds of fish!"
Little Tommy listens yet is still confused and tugs on his father's cargo pants
"But what changed Daddy?"
Dad pats the top of Little Tommy's head and sighs
"Nets became prejudiced to the type of fish they caught."
"There's no Net Neutrality now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I have some bad news about your mother..."
-Break it to me gently Doctor.
-OK. Give us a 'D'! Give us an 'E'!...
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.
*"Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?"* he asked.
*"To make myself beautiful,"* said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
*"What's the matter?"* he asked.
* "Are you giving up?"*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
French, Italian and Russian are talking about what are the best things in the world
French: Walking in Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner at the restaurant, candles, cheese, white wine, after which we go to my place and gently make love until morning.
Italian: Strolling through Venice with my Francesca, dinner at the restaurat, candles, pasta, red wine, after which we go to my place and passionately make love until morning.
Russian: Winter Siberia, -40 at 3 in the moring as you are sleeping in warm barracks. Suddenly captain of the guard comes in and says: "Sergey, guard duty!" And you're not Sergey.
A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...
when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally coming to a stop inches away from a building.
For a moment the cab was silent until the passenger spoke up, "I'm sorry, I had no idea such a gentle tap would startle you so!".
"Oh no", replied the cabbie, "Its all my fault, this is my first day driving a cab, for the past 30 years I drove a hearse.".
What is it called, when you swipe your phone screen really gently with your finger?
Tinderness.
Is there a gardener in the audience?
Why does my leaf blower have a low setting?
I've never needed to blow a leaf just a little.
(Blows gently into microphone)
I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"
…doesn't exist."
A man struggled into the animal hospital ...
A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"
"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.
The doctor motioned to his assistants, who gently took the dog and exited through another door. "Wait here, sir. We'll be right back."
15 minutes later, the doctor re-entered the room carrying a collar and a beautiful porcelain urn.
The man, now relaxed and refreshed, jumped up and said "Oh, Doctor, hello! Now we can discuss my dog's flea problem!"
Man walks by the cemetery...
A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"
The sight of this fellow in such misery really had an effect on him, so he gently walked up to the man in the cemetery, putting his arm around his shoulders, he said, "It pains me so to see a fellow human in such a state of misery, I am so sorry for your loss." "Was it your wife?", he asked.....
"No", the poor soul responded, " It was her first husband."
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...
Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do laxatives always say they 'Work gently, over night?'
What if I want something that works violently right now?!?
90 year old couple was in a hospital
Husband was gently calling wife as darling or cutie pie or honey every time he addresses her. There was a young couple sitting near them and observing them.
The old couple was leaving and the young guy was curious about the old man's romance being alive at that age so he stopped the old man and asked the secret behind it.
The old man replied: son, I have been married with that women for about 65 years now. About 7 years ago, I forgot her name, and I don't want to get divorce at this age so didn't dare to ask her name, so I have been calling her either darling, cutie pie or honey since than.
A man is getting a divorce with his wife
The man sits down with his daughter to break the news to her. The daughter is visibly upset and asks why.
The man explains gently, Your mother and I don't love each other anymore honey.
What does love mean dad? , the daughter asks.
Well, an example of love is when you come home from work and your wife is excited to see you , the man replies.
But dad, mom gets excited lots of times right when you come home!
The man is surprised. When has she ever gotten excited?
Well, whenever mom hears your car while she is in the bedroom with uncle, she always screams, 'my husband's home, he's here!'
My son asked, Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!
I gently put my arm around him and replied, That's easy son…
Stop eating caterpillars!
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: lay it on me gently
Doctor: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Doctor: h**...
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Two Drunkards
Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take a closer look" the other agrees.
He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe, he comes down joyfully to his friend and say "yeap, the fruit is d**... ripe, let's get it".
And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit
Tonight I made salmon for supper
As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached
An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.
Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.
When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.
He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."
The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? What happened to her?"
The doctor feels sad saying this, "Yes sir, it's about your wife. She uhhh..."
The man cuts him off and say, "Wait, you said it was a bad news, right? Oh God she survived didn't she?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..
..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.
The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about a little sixty nine?"
She flies into a rage, "You go out drinking with your friend, you knew how busy the restaurant was, you leave me to do all the hard work, and now you expect me to get up and make you Mongolian Lamb with Snow Peas!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...
She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her hands inside. She massages him tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
He replies: "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?
After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.
I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.
An Irishman goes to buy some wellies
The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers have got C&A written on them!"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?" "Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a bordeaux collie."
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping in the sky.
One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him for com- fort. Can't you do something? she demanded. I'm sorry, ma'am, said the reverend gently. I'm in sales, not management.
Seminar
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.
A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!
there wasn't a hare on his head
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I let go a silent f**... in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...
Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time
