gently Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious gently puns

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

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On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:



"Computer is really screwed up now.

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When the inventor of the USB dies...

they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

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Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

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I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

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A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"

Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"

Son: *Stomps up stairs*

Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*

Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"

Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"

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A woman playing golf......

......hit a man nearby.

The man put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and started rolling around in pain.

The woman rushed to him and offered to relieve his pain, since she was a doctor.

She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants and put her hands inside. She then massaged him tenderly for a few minutes and asked, "How does it feel?"

The man replied, "Feels good, but I think my thumb is still broken!"

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Wife texts husband, "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband replies, "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife sends back 5 minutes later, "Computer is really messed up now."

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When the inventor of USB stick dies..

They'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it the other way, then lower it again.

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Magic Window

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."

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A young boy asks his dad.....

Dad I hear boys talking at school,

and I want to know, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

Dad takes him to see his mother who is still asleep, he gently pulls the covers back to reveal her naked lower half and says:

that son is a pussy, the boy reaches out,

No son! you mustn't touch it......

you'll wake the cunt up.

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they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?

grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

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Panties

LUST : Tearing her panties off.

Love : Sliding them down gently

Marriage : Folding them regularly

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The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

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A man takes a walk along an ocean pier....

Where he spots a quadriplegic woman in a wheelchair, crying. He asks her what's wrong, and she replies, "I'm 35 years old, and I've never been kissed before."

The man leans forward, and gently kisses the woman on the lips.

The woman cheers up a bit, and thoughtfully says "You know, I've never been fucked, either."

The man smiles warmly, leans over and picks the woman up from the chair. He stares deeply into her eyes, and then tosses her into the ocean.

"Now you're fucked."

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What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

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Jesus and Moses are in Heaven fishing from a rowboat

As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles.

So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.

"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try,"
he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus into the boat.

"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"

"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied.
"The last time I did that I didn't have these damn holes in my feet."

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Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.

Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual,
with an appreciation for the finer things.

Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive
reconstruction.

From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:)

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba... ruled by a dick.


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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

... The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

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Midnight Surprise!

A colleague approached this man at lunch and invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realised he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

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A man and a woman were...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

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A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally coming to a stop inches away from a building.

For a moment the cab was silent until the passenger spoke up, "I'm sorry, I had no idea such a gentle tap would startle you so!".

"Oh no", replied the cabbie, "Its all my fault, this is my first day driving a cab, for the past 30 years I drove a hearse.".

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On a frosty winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
wife writings back 5 minutes after the fact:

"PC is truly spoiled at this point.

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An old hag died.

She was a mother, a wife, and a mother-in-law. Everybody knew that she and her son-in-law hated each other.

But, on the day of the funeral, people arrive at the church and see something unexpected: the son-in-law, over the open casket, holding the hands of the dead woman, forehead pressed to her forehead. He looks like he's been crying.

One of the guests gently taps him on the shoulder and says:

"I'm sorry, we didn't know you loved her so much..."

The son-in-law replies after a brief pause:

"When she died, I was so happy I went drinking. I drank for three days straight. I have a hangover so fierce, I cried. And this bitch... she's so pleasantly cold right now"

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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that explains one black eye, what about the other one?

Man: I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there for her.

Happy Easter :)

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When he gently removed her bra, she whispered

why were you wearing my bra?

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Girl farts at the dinner table

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:

-Rocky!! be careful now!!

Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:

-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!

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After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

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Ladies room

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

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I had this sexy girl, flat on her back...

I had this sexy girl, flat on her back outside a club last night. We were locking lips, it was getting passionate and hot, then some people started to gather around and watch.
To put on a show, I thought I'd slip a few fingers into her pussy while I gently kissed her neck.

Her friends looked at each other and said, "I don't think this boy really knows CPR."

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For as long as anyone could remember ...

this indian chief was in charge of naming all the children that were born in the tribe.

One day, this one brave comes up to him and says " Chief, how do you name these children? How do you think of their names ?"

The chief says "Very simple, when a child is born and i see snow gently falling, i say you should be called *SNOW GENTLY FALLING and when a child is born and i see a hawk flying over, i say you should be called *HAWK FLYING OVER, but tell me *TWO DOGS FUCKING why are you so interested?"


-Silkwood 1983

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3 Guys go to hell...

...and are greeted by a charming looking gentleman at the gate. "Greetings," the man says "I'm Satan, welcome to hell!" to which the 3 men begin to back away in fear, but Satan approached them gently "Now now fellas, there's nothing to be scared of! I'm quite the reasonable guy! Come on I'll give you the tour!" Unsure, but curious, the 3 guys follow Satan around through various rooms.

"And here we have Dave! Dave wished to have enough money to swim in!" and they peaked through a hole to see a man gleefully swimming through gold. "Now, you each get your own room!" and the men were ecstatic!

The first man bursts forward "Oh, Oh me first!" and Satan nods "I want all of the most beautiful women!" and Satan smiles and leads him to a platinum door, opening it to reveal a warehouse sized room full of the most beautiful women of all races, and all naked, enticing him to enter.

Satan stops the man from entering "One last thing, a simple 'catch' as you might say, you cannot leave the room for 1000 years. Are you sure this is your one true desire?" he asks, receiving a yes without hesitation. "Very well, the room is all yours!" the man gives Satan a hug and runs into the room with Satan closing, and locking the door behind him.

The second man, a little pudgy man, steps forward and says "I love to eat, I want a room full of the best food from all around the world!" and Satan nods, and brings the man to a different room, which when opened revealed different varieties of cakes, pie, cooked entrees, and delicacies. His eyes light up, and he rushes on in with the door closing and locking behind him.

Satan looks towards the third man who hesitantly asks Satan "Hey man, do you have a room with a lot of weed? I just want to be baked off of my ass for 1000 years" and Satan smiles "I'm Satan! Of course I've got weed!" and he leads the man to another door, which revealed a warehouse full of marijuana. "Hell yeah! Thanks Satan!" and he enters with the door closing and locking behind him.

1000 years later, Satan makes his rounds to check up on the men in the rooms, he stops by the first room to find the first man in a room full of babies, pregnant nagging women, lots of crying, and feces everywhere. The man spots the light, looks at Satan, and reaches out his hand "Satan...Help me!" and Satan laughs and closes the door again.

He opens the second door to find a man so fat he can't even sit up, he's covered in his own feces, the food around him is all rotten, flies are everywhere. He too spots the light, looks toward Satan "Satan...help me!" and Satan laughs and closes the door again.

He walks over to the last door, unlocks it, and suddenly the door flies open, the man grabs Satan and yells "Satan you gotta lighter!?"

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What are the most funny Gently jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Gently? Well, here are the best Gently dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Gently pick up lines to share with friends.

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