Gently Jokes
97 gently jokes and hilarious gently puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gently that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gently Short Jokes
Short gently jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gently humour may include short softly jokes also.
- When the inventor of the USB dies... they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
- I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins". - If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
First time posting, please be gentle. - What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common? They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*) - New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. This is my first time. Please be gentle.
- they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow
- What do you call a Barbie on fire? A Barbecue!
Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:) - I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;) My wife thinks I spoil those dogs.
- my girlfriend says she can lick the honey from a beehive so gently that the bees won't even know she's there she's a keeper
- I was waitering the other day and a nice old man asked me for a little spoon so I gently lay him down and hugged him from behind
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Gently One Liners
Which gently one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gently? I can suggest the ones about gingerly and slowly.
- When he gently removed her bra, she whispered why were you wearing my bra?
- What do the Greeks sing while at sea? ρ ρ ρ your boat, gently down the stream...
- Why are gentle men so good in bed? Because ladies come first.
- How do you make a hamburger laugh? Pickle it gently.
- Be the person your dog thinks you are. A gentle lover.
- What do you call a singer gently swaying from one side to another? A rocking Cher.
- What do you call a gentle loving lawyer? Legal Tender
- i was dating a hot air balloonist at least she let me down gently
- I went out with a inflatable women once i had to let her down gently
- Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
- My friend asked for a microwave So i waved at him in a very gentle and subtle manor
- What do you call a peaceful Bruce Lee? Gent Lee (Gently)
- She asked me to be gentle What an odd thing to tell your surgeon before an operation
- How do you gently wake up a sleeping baby? Don't preheat the oven when you bake it.
- Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.. Ha, ha fooled you, I'm a submarine.
Fun-Filled Gently Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about gently you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean calmly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gently pranks.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
Difference between e**... and perverted
You can be e**... by gently s**... your girlfriend with a feather. But its perverted if you take the whole goose to do it.
I knew my prostate exam had gone badly...
when the doctor gently put his hands on my shoulders.
Man v/s Wife
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm, getting friskier by the second.
The wife, half-asleep, turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, dejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, however, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A couple in their 80's
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
At Night
It is night, I'm sleeping. Gently you're moving towards me, softly touching my n**... body searching for that one special place. You've found it and you start s**... on it. You love it so much.
I hate you, mosquito.
After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...
The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
Boudreaux's dead duck
Boudreaux rushed into Doc Robicheaux's office carrying a duck. He gently placed the duck on the exam table, it lay there limp and not moving.
Doc, you gotta help my duck , Boudreaux said.
Doc Robicheaux looked at the duck and shook his head. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , he said.
Doc, you gotta do something - run some test - do something , Boudreaux demanded.
Okay , Doc Robicheaux said.
The Doc whistled and a large black Labrador Retriever came in. The dog sniffed the duck from all sides, looked at the Doc, shook his head from side to side, and went back out.
The Doc made a clicking sound with his tongue and a gray cat came in. The cat jumped on the table and watched the unmoving duck for a couple of minutes, turned to the Doc, shook his head from sided to side, and went back out.
Boudreaux, your duck is dead , Doc Robicheaux told Boudreaux, Dat'll be 125 dollars .
Dat's a lot just to tell me dat my duck's dead , Boudreaux protested.
Boudreaux, I examined the duck and told you it was dead - that woulda been 10 dollars. You're da one dat demanded da Lab-Work and da Cat-Scan , Doc Robicheaux explained.
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
Another jewish gag
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"
Frozen...
Text Message from Wife:
Windows frozen. Won't Open.
Husband:
Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows.
Wife:
Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Girl farts at the dinner table
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!
When I was in college, I had s**... roughly 5 times a week...
but I had s**... gently a lot more.
Little Johnny at the playground
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"
A 450lb man just hit on me...
I tried to let him down as gently as possible...
But I'm no forklift.
My Mommy, the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."
On a frosty winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
wife writings back 5 minutes after the fact:
"PC is truly spoiled at this point.
George Carlin:"Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?"
"What if I want something that works violently right now?"
One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,
the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"
I asked my doctor if I am healthy enough for s**... activity.
He gently touched my leg and said, "Why, yes. What did you have in mind?"
A boy and his father are in an argument
Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"
Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"
Son: *Stomps up stairs*
Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*
Son: "Jim Morrison s**...!"
Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
The passenger of a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed and almost went offroad.
The passenger said :"Sorry dude, I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much, I touched you gently".
The driver replied,"Well, it's not your fault.
I used to drive a f**... van".
A guy gets a call his wife is in labor...
He rushes off to the hospital, but gets stuck in traffic. By the time he gets to the hospital his wife has already had the baby. So he heads down to the nursery to see his new baby. He sees his child sleeping and a nurse walks up and ask, " is this your baby?" The nurse picks up the baby and holds the child up to the father and gently rocks him, the dad is in awe... she takes the baby and throws it against the wall. The dad freaks out and starts screaming and the nurse tells him to calm down...
" I was kidding, it was a still born."
2 strangers have a one night stand
The next morning, when both were awake, the woman turned to the guy and asks gently:
"Are you going to make me breakfast or do you s**... at that too?"
My first day as a Chinese police officer
me: guys...it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I gently slid her p**... to the side...
....so I could fit her socks into the drawer
What do you do when you're on safari and all of a sudden come across an Elephant?
Very gently,
Wipe it off
"I have some bad news about your mother..."
-Break it to me gently Doctor.
-OK. Give us a 'D'! Give us an 'E'!...
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.
*"Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?"* he asked.
*"To make myself beautiful,"* said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
*"What's the matter?"* he asked.
* "Are you giving up?"*
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."
...independent!"
A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...
when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally coming to a stop inches away from a building.
For a moment the cab was silent until the passenger spoke up, "I'm sorry, I had no idea such a gentle tap would startle you so!".
"Oh no", replied the cabbie, "Its all my fault, this is my first day driving a cab, for the past 30 years I drove a hearse.".
What is it called, when you swipe your phone screen really gently with your finger?
Tinderness.
Is there a gardener in the audience?
Why does my leaf blower have a low setting?
I've never needed to blow a leaf just a little.
(Blows gently into microphone)
I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"
…doesn't exist."
A man struggled into the animal hospital ...
A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"
"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.
The doctor motioned to his assistants, who gently took the dog and exited through another door. "Wait here, sir. We'll be right back."
15 minutes later, the doctor re-entered the room carrying a collar and a beautiful porcelain urn.
The man, now relaxed and refreshed, jumped up and said "Oh, Doctor, hello! Now we can discuss my dog's flea problem!"
Man walks by the cemetery...
A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"
The sight of this fellow in such misery really had an effect on him, so he gently walked up to the man in the cemetery, putting his arm around his shoulders, he said, "It pains me so to see a fellow human in such a state of misery, I am so sorry for your loss." "Was it your wife?", he asked.....
"No", the poor soul responded, " It was her first husband."
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...
Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.
Why do laxatives always say they 'Work gently, over night?'
What if I want something that works violently right now?!?
90 year old couple was in a hospital
Husband was gently calling wife as darling or cutie pie or honey every time he addresses her. There was a young couple sitting near them and observing them.
The old couple was leaving and the young guy was curious about the old man's romance being alive at that age so he stopped the old man and asked the secret behind it.
The old man replied: son, I have been married with that women for about 65 years now. About 7 years ago, I forgot her name, and I don't want to get divorce at this age so didn't dare to ask her name, so I have been calling her either darling, cutie pie or honey since than.
A man is getting a divorce with his wife
The man sits down with his daughter to break the news to her. The daughter is visibly upset and asks why.
The man explains gently, Your mother and I don't love each other anymore honey.
What does love mean dad? , the daughter asks.
Well, an example of love is when you come home from work and your wife is excited to see you , the man replies.
But dad, mom gets excited lots of times right when you come home!
The man is surprised. When has she ever gotten excited?
Well, whenever mom hears your car while she is in the bedroom with uncle, she always screams, 'my husband's home, he's here!'
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really s**... up now.
My son asked, Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!
I gently put my arm around him and replied, That's easy son…
Stop eating caterpillars!
A man was dying
A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife's hand and says:
Before I die, I have to confess to you. I've been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I'm sorry.
She gently s**... his hair and says:
I know. That's why I poisoned your coffee. Now close your eyes, dear...
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: lay it on me gently
Doctor: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Doctor: h**...
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
The Two Drunkards
Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take a closer look" the other agrees.
He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe, he comes down joyfully to his friend and say "yeap, the fruit is d**... ripe, let's get it".
And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit
Tonight I made salmon for supper
As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached
My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...
My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "
I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "
After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "
An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.
Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.
When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.
He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."
The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? What happened to her?"
The doctor feels sad saying this, "Yes sir, it's about your wife. She uhhh..."
The man cuts him off and say, "Wait, you said it was a bad news, right? Oh God she survived didn't she?"
A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..
..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.
The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about a little sixty nine?"
She flies into a rage, "You go out drinking with your friend, you knew how busy the restaurant was, you leave me to do all the hard work, and now you expect me to get up and make you Mongolian Lamb with Snow Peas!?"
A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...
She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her hands inside. She massages him tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
He replies: "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".
The inventor of the USB stick has died
At his f**... they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?
After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.
I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.
He gently slid her p**... to one side...
...so the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.
An Irishman goes to buy some wellies
The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers have got C&A written on them!"
A man goes to the doctor
He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."
He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."
Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor thinks a second and says "It appears you have a broken finger."
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?" "Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a bordeaux collie."
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping in the sky.
One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him for com- fort. Can't you do something? she demanded. I'm sorry, ma'am, said the reverend gently. I'm in sales, not management.
Seminar
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.
A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!
there wasn't a hare on his head
I let go a silent f**... in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...
Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time
