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Genie Jokes

135 genie jokes and hilarious genie puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about genie that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This selection of Barry Cryer's Genie jokes will have you and your friends rolling with laughter. Find out what happens when a wizard meets Jafar and grants a wish. Enjoy this collection of clever and witty jokes about gins, wishes, and humorous misunderstandings.

Funniest Genie Short Jokes

Short genie jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The genie humour may include short genius jokes also.

  1. Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
    Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
    Me: But you said 3
    Genie: Sue me.
  2. Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
    Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.
  3. Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
    Dave: I want to be rich
    Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
    Rich: I want a lot of money
  4. I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you" The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
  5. A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy . So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?
  6. A Genie grants a wish. I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.
    The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
  7. A conversation with a genie Genie: What is your first wish?
    Steve: I want to be rich.
    Genie: Granted. Second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.
  8. A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
  9. The other day, I met a genie who granted me one wish. So, I told him: "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
  10. A genie asked, "What's your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich."
    And the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"

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Genie One Liners

Which genie one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with genie? I can suggest the ones about geek and ninja.

  1. My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
  2. Have you met Eric? He's a genie. He's not special or anything. He's just Djinn Eric.
  3. What do you call a magic car? A Lambor-Genie
  4. what kind of drink does the genie bartender serve? a djinn and tonic
  5. What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp? And Abori-genie.
  6. How does a genie grant himself a wish? He rubs one out.
  7. What do you call a genie that loves to gamble? A djinnerate.
  8. Wife left me and I won the lottery.
    Genie: "You have one wish left".
  9. One day a man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out "I'm gay" said the genie
  10. What do you call an Italian genie? A fettugenie
  11. What's a genie's favorite drink? Djinn and tonic.
  12. Genie: U have 3 wishes Me: I wanna be an Idiot
    Genie: U got 3 wishes left
  13. A necrophilic man is trapped in a room with zombies. The genie pats himself on the back.
  14. What kind of genie only grants wishes to men? A misogenie.
  15. A genie walks into a bar The person behind the bar says, "Sorry, we don't serve djinn".

Genie Wish Jokes

Here is a list of funny genie wish jokes and even better genie wish puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes. Genie: What is your first wish?
    joe: I want to be rich.
    Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.
  • Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more I asked for 120/80 blood pressure
  • Genie: "What's your first wish?" Steve: "I wish I was rich!"
    Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"
    Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
  • Genie: you have three wishes me: make math go away
    Genie: ok, that one's on the house
    me: yay, so I still get three wishes?
    Genie: huh?
  • Genie: You have 3 wishes. Me: I want a world without lawyers.
    Genie: Done. That concludes your wishes.
    Me: But you said I have 3 wishes?
    Genie: Sue me.
  • Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three. Genie: Sue me.
  • Genie: I will grant you one wish. Me: I wish for more wishes.
    Genie: That wish, I cannot grant.
    Me: I wish you'd reconsider.
  • What's the difference between a genie and a scientist? One grants wishes and the other wishes for grants
  • Jim finds a genie in a lamp The genie says "you have three wishes to make"
    Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"
    The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"
    Rich says "I want lots of money"
  • Liverpool have won the league, the government is paying people not to work.... Somewhere there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp wondering what to do with his last wish

Genie Lamp Jokes

Here is a list of funny genie lamp jokes and even better genie lamp puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are genies always male? Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamp never know how to rub it just right.
  • Jeff Bozos was cleaning his bedside lamp when a genie popped out. Genie: One wish only, my good sir.
    Bezos: Name it.
  • A man rubs a lamp A genie appears. You have two wishes, says the genie.
    Can you make it three?
    Granted, says the genie
  • Liverpool just won the league and the government are paying people without doing work Somewhere out there, there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp deciding what to do with his last wish
  • What did the iron genie say when he escaped the lamp? I'm Fe!
  • You're walking down the street when you find an old antique lamp. You give it a shine, and a robotic genie pops out. What do you do? You mech a wish
  • What do you call a person who wishes for more genies when given a genie lamp? a genie-us
  • I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons I am having a few Rugrats
  • A man finds a magic lamp The genie inside tells the man he will grant him three wishes.
    The man says "I wish I only had two wishes."
    "Granted."
  • So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out
Genie joke, So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

Aladdin Genie Jokes

Here is a list of funny aladdin genie jokes and even better aladdin genie puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear the one about the genie? I guess Aladdin really did set him free.
  • Did you hear that Will Smith is gonna be the genie in live action Aladdin They couldn't recast Robin William's he left the agents that called him **hanging**.
Genie joke, Did you hear that Will Smith is gonna be the genie in live action Aladdin

Hilarious Genie Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about genie you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean talent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make genie pranks.

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.

In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........

A genie says: I'll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Wishes

A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"

A Mexican, a Black guy and a White guy are walking down the beach...

They find a bottle and the Mexican guy decides pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out of the bottle and speaks to them and grants them each one wish.
The Mexican guy goes first and says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and I could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Mexican guy disappears.
Now it's the black guy's turn. He says, "I wish that all my African brothers and I could all go back to our motherland and be happy, prosperous and free."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Black guy disappears.
Now it's the white guy's turn.
The white guy pauses for a moment, scratches his head and says "Are you telling me that all the b**... and Mexicans are gone from America?
The genie nods his head and says yes.
The white guy makes up his mind and says, "Ok, well i'll have a Coke, thanks."

Genie with a flaw

A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.
The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"
The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.
"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"
The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."
The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."
"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.
"It shall be done." And the genie disappears.
A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.
"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...

She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.

Two genies in a deserted house..

A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*

The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"

I wish....

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

A man stumbles across an old lamp.....

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

Yet another genie in the lamp joke

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..

When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach

He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"
"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"
"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"
"Ok, I want to understand Women"
"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"

" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters

A genie appears to a blonde woman

A genie appears to a blonde woman and offers her one wish. The blonde says "You know, I've slept with more men than I can count. I wish I knew exactly how many it was."
The Genie replies "Four."

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.

''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – p**...! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

A genie gives a man three wishes...

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Three girls are stuck on an island

They find a lamp and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish. The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *p**...* shes gone. The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *p**...* shes gone. The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying. He asks "why are you crying?". She responds "I wish my friends were back".

*rubs a lamp*

*rubs a lamp*
Genie appears and asks for a wish
"I don't wanna die v**..."
*Genie grants immortality

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.
**Genie:** What is your first wish?
**Man:** I want a million dollars.
**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.
**Genie:** What is your second wish?
**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.
**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.
**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?
**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."
"I want a dragon."
"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"
"I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet."
"...what color dragon do you want?"

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared.

The genie looked at the man and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie, "That was your first wish, too."

A genie grants a man three wishes...

"Hello sir, I am going to grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?
"I wish I could have three more wishes!"
"You aren't allowed to say that."
"Fine, I wish I could have two more wishes!"
"Ok, you have two more wishes. What is your second wish?"

Old genie joke...

Three men find themselves stranded on a deserted island. After several years, despite their differences, they become close friends out of necessity. One day, they find an old lamp. On rubbing it clean, they release a genie who grants them each one wish.
"I wish to return to my old life!" Two of the men shout, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The third man, a little slow, looks around at the empty island. Overcome by loneliness, he mutters, "I wish my friends were here."

10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really s**... at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

An irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"

A man rubs a bottle and a genie comes out,

The genie says to the man, "I will grant you one wish however, it must be within reason" The man thinks for a second and says "I want a dragon!" the genie replies "Are you mad? I said within reason!" Again the man thinks and finally speaks. "I wish for the ability to plug a USB cable in right every time." The genie thinks, then says,
What color do you want your dragon?

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"

Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.

If a genie appeared and said I could choose a woman, dead or alive, to magically appear so I can have s**... with her...

I'd probably choose alive this time.

Easiest way to get immortality

Me : *rubs lamp* "I don't want to die a v**..."
Genie : *grants immortality*

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.
The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.
Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.
The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

What's the difference between a genie and a genius?

A genie grants wishes. A genius wishes for grants.

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."

A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.
"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."
After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word *wish* as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word. Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks."
The genie sighs and says, "This is why nobody likes lawyers."

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

A man finds a magical lamp.

He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, "What is your first wish?" The man says, "I wish I were rich!" The genie snaps his fingers and replies, "Your wish has been granted! What is your second wish, Rich?"

The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.

The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.
The man says I wish for a wife 30 years younger!
So the genie made him 90.

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat there is a really good looking man standing on the porch. Woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles, leans i and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

A Genie grants a person 3 wish

The genie says I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must
The man replies I want a world without lawyers
Granted, you have no more wishes left said the genie
The man exclaimed But wait! You said 3 wishes!
Genie replied Sue me

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me:
Genie:
Me: I wish for more genies.
Genie: Holy s**....
All the new genies: Holy s**....

I told my genie I wish not to die a v**...

He granted me immortality.

A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, I will grant you three wishes, but there are some rules. No wishing for more wishes, wishing for immortality, or wishing to bring someone back from the dead.
The man says, Ok, I wish to not die a v**....
The genie replies, I already told you, no wishing for immortality.

"You have three wishes!"

"Oh no, I know the drill. Whatever I wish for, will come back and bite me."
"What? No, I'm a good genie. Listen, if it does, I will even give you infinite wishes"
"I want a boomerang with teeth."

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:
Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.
A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"
Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".
The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your next wish, Rich?"

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."

A man finds a genie in a bottle

He rubs it. A genie pops out "you have two wishes"
The guy says "hold up, aren't I supposed to get three wishes?"
the genie replies "Check your pants"
The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says "how did you know?"
Genie says "I've been doin this a while."

A genie gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you".

The genue saud "Weurd wush, but U'll grant ut."

Genie joke, A genie gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you".

jokes about genie