generals Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious generals puns

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.


Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!


Remembering General Custer

In remembrance of the Battle of Little Bighorn, the government hires an artist to create a mural. He's told by the generals "paint what was going through his mind in the final moments of the battle."

He goes to work, and a few weeks later, he unveils his creation. On the mural, there's a picture of Jesus on the cross and a bunch of Indians all having sex.

One of the generals asks, "What in the hell were you thinking when you made this?" The artist explains, "I was just doing what you told me."
The general inquires, "How is this close to what I told you?" The artist replies "Well, wouldn't you think his last thoughts would be 'Jesus Christ! Look at all the fucking Indians!"


Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?

December, January, and February.


All of Hitlers generals were having a cookout, why wasn't Hitler invited?

He always burnt the franks.


Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The German general is impressed and doesn't know what to say.

Suddenly they see waves appearing a little off the shore and with a splash, a submarine surfaces. The hatch opens and the emerging soldier raises his right arm "Heil Hitler! We are out of fuel!"


Pentagon Incentive

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "Back in Vietnam!"


The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:

"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"

The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said
"Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand." they paid the general and went on to the next.

The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said
"Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes" he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general.

They got to the final general, who promptly said
"I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut"
The soldier with the measuring tape didn't understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said "Sir, i don't understand. I can only see your right nut"

The general said with a big smile on his face:
"I know, i lost my left nut in 'nam"


Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."


Two French generals...

... of the Napolean army were watching a battle from a nearby hill. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide. "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.

The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers ... "


Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!


My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants

Now I just play with my privates.


What do generals in the millitary shave?

Their privates.


The General's new clothes

Preparing for an imminent, decisive battle, the General calls his
experienced, trustworthy aid over for advice.

"I am undecided as to what color uniform to wear" he says, "what did the
great generals in history wear to their most important battles?"

"Well" the aid says, "Napoleon for example wore a red uniform, so just
in case he was injured, his men would not notice and keep fighting along
with him".

"Very well, then" says the general after a moment of contemplation,
staring deep in thought at his reflection in the mirror, "bring me my brown uniform".


So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.


The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."


What was the common understanding between the French and German generals during World War I?

*You win Somme, you lose Somme."*


Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews.

"I'm going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown." One of his generals asks him why a clown. Hitler responds, "See I told you no one cares about the Jews!"


Officer Discussing "Relations"

A party is going on at the Generals house, and four officers are discussing relations.

The General asks how much of it is Fun and how much is work, stating "I think its about 90% work, and 10% fun."

The Commander reluctantly disagrees saying "Sir I think it's more like 25% fun 75% work"

One of the department heads says "In my experience its about 50% work, 50% fun."

To which the JO (Junior Officer) says "I dunno, I know I'm not married sir, but I always thought it was 80% fun, and 20% work"

Just then the Senior Enlisted Advisor walks by so they ask him.

Thinking for a moment he responds "It must be 100% fun, because if any work was involved you four would have enlisted guys over at your house doing it for you."


The generals chauffeur was late...

and the general needed to be at a meeting on the other side of the base in ten minutes. The luckless private chauffeuring the jeep was going around corners on two wheels, running red lights and speeding like a maniac.

The general asks the private, "Son, do you know what the penalty is for making a general late for a meeting?"

The private, imagining firing squads, stammers "N-no sir! I don't!"

The general replies "Neither do I. But I bet it's a lot less than the penalty for maiming or killing one!"


How do generals show their gratitude to their troops?

They give tanks.


Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war?

General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.


Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.

He's come a long way from grabbing privates.


Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam?

When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

I'm so sorry.


Croatian generals are the best snipers

They only need one shot.


Of his generals, who did Hitler think was the least funniest?

Hermann Boering!


If clowns smell funny...

Do generals smell rank?


Why were the French defeated so easily by Germans in WW2?

Because the French generals told their soldiers, that to win the war, they needed to strike first.


Why are there no podiatrist generals?

Because all they know is de feet


The generals thought US soil would never be vulnerable to a naval attack ...

The year: 2025. Russia invades an Alaskan archipelago. Needless to say, the US government is stripped of its Aleutians.


Two enemy generals meet after battle

General 1: This crazy maneuver earlier was quite unfair ...

General 2: Relax, Dude. It's just a flank, foe!


Where do war generals make decisions?

In a think tank


What is the Russian army generals worst nightmare?

That Finns learn to reproduce like the Chinese, or that the Chinese learn to reproduce like Finns


So I just told my dad that the kernel is basically what controls your OS

He responded with "shouldn't it be the generals?"


When hitler killed himself in WWII...

His generals said damn I did nazi that coming


What are the most funny Generals jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Generals? Well, here are the best Generals dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Generals pick up lines to share with friends.

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