General Jokes
152 general jokes and hilarious general puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about general that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover an array of humorous general jokes from various categories such as general surgery, evaluator, contractor, manager, knowledge, conference, and much more. Share a good laugh with friends and family as you explore a wide range of jokes about admiral, lieutenant, commander, and General Tso.
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Funniest General Short Jokes
Short general jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The general humour may include short generic jokes also.
- What is a Pirate's favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind . - A general walks up to his private "Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!" - The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won? Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin
- Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.
- The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war..... ...General Lee speaking
- I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.
- My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
- Say what you like about China... [This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]
- An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die? The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!
- My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider It was good, General Lee speaking.
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General One Liners
Which general one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with general? I can suggest the ones about global and official.
- At home, they treat me like God. I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.
- I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations but all brooms are pretty much the same.
- I went to a General Store the other day. Couldn't find anything specific.
- My friend told me all women are the same. He always makes broad generalizations.
- Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer? General Mills
- Jokes about the human body are generally corny… Jokes about eyes though are even cornea.
- Civil war jokes are the worst I General Lee don't find them funny at all.
- Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are? December, January, and February.
- Napoleon was the best general the french ever had. He managed to surrender twice.
- You're the best ninja I've ever seen! And the worst ninja in general.
- Black people love boom boxes .. I hate to generalize, but it's their stereotype ;-)
- Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!
- Why are military officers orders vague Because they always talk in General terms
- Puns about your bones are generally humerus. But puns about the eyes are even cornea.
- I asked an Indian if he likes custard He said, "not in general."
General Manager Jokes
Here is a list of funny general manager jokes and even better general manager puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume. Who are they gonna ask?
- People keep saying Magic won't be a good General Manager... Have faith, his aids will help.
General Relativity Jokes
Here is a list of funny general relativity jokes and even better general relativity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered The Theory of General Relativity.
- Albert Einstein Begins a Lecture on General Relativity: Ok, let's get started, so here is the gravity of the situation...
- How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
- What's the difference between general and special relativity Ones in charge of an army and the others a vegetable
- [joke request] Civil engineering jokes, (Bridges, sewers, roads, engineers in general) What is the best joke you have related to Civil Engineering.
- The only way I could solve my problem was using general relativity... It was a massive problem.
- I wonder if Einstein thought of his theory of general relativity... in New York's Time Squared...

General Motors Jokes
Here is a list of funny general motors jokes and even better general motors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.
- Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...
- General Motors will introduce 2 new warning lights for their cars! One to tell you that you need a new engine and the other to tell you that you need a new car.
- Russians have General Winter Americans have General Motors
- Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war? General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.
- Yo mama so dumb, she thought General Motors was in the army.
- General Motors finally solved their workplace diversity dilemma There are equal numbers of black, white, brown, red, yellow, and orange robots. Half the robots have p**... drawn on them.
Dollar General Jokes
Here is a list of funny dollar general jokes and even better dollar general puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Support the Prez Dollar General announced their support for the president. They will now carry the full line of Trump Russian Ties,
- Did you hear about the store 50 Cent opened with his brother? Dollar General has been fairly successful.
- I once got kicked out of Dollar General store ... for asking for something specific.
- My hometown is so c**...… our Dollar General is still a Dollar Private.

Witty General Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about general you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean basic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make general pranks.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
Blonde interviews to be a policeman
A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"
During the communist rule
in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"
Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War.
I just General Lee don't get them.
Animals missing legs.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.
What do you call a cat with no legs?
General Tso's chicken
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean beef
Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor.
Nobody should be able to vote in both.
What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..
***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***
When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt.
I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA?
General Pao's chicken.
A man counterfeits $18 bills...
...and needs to get rid of them, so he takes a trip through rural Iowa. Coming to a small general store at a remote crossroads, he goes in and asks the old man behind the counter if he would please break his bill. The old man replies, "Sure, would you like 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.
And something completely different in prison.
Two men and two women are on a train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS
Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.
General: You are forgetting something important sir.
Obama: No I am not.
General: Tanks, Obama.
Last request...
A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"
What did the Japanese General say to his kamikaze trainee?
Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.
Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach
The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."
The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."
The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail h**... we need Diesel!"
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
I haven't had s**... since 1956!
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage
"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...
"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."
A Soviet and an American are talking
The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."
We've updated Skype so you have the latest version...
it includes performance improvements and general fixes.
I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one p**....
Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs.
Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...
But not at a f**....
I don't like generalizations...
They all s**....
The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking m**...".
It's hard on your joints.
Alabama college kid visiting Boston
So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"
Where did the General put his armies
In his sleevies...
Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...
Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"
Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."
Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"
Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."
General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."
His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news General?"
Custer says "Well, we won't have to ride through Nebraska again."
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
h**... was talking to one of his generals,
h**...: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.
General: Why the 5 clowns?
h**...: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!
You should never generalize women.
It's wrong to make broad assumptions.
The general couldn't find his armies...
...So he rolled up his sleevies
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
What happened on June 6, 1944?
We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!
What was the turning point of world war 2?
Battle of the bulge, sir!
What's is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought I don't know, sir!
The superior then said Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.
Trump may have dodged the draft but he was still given honorary military ranks.
Private Tax Return,
Major Embarrassment,
Chief Petty Officer,
General Incompetence.
Why don't AT-ATs walk in a straight line?
Because of General Veers.
Do you speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- s**...?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, d**..., any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.
Top general: "We have turned a corner in Afghanistan
for the 4th time"
The Jew says...
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!
Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!
They all wait for the Jew to speak…
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!
On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.
He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"
PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."
General: "Do you know who this is?"
PFC: "No."
General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"
PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"
General: "No."
PFC: "Good, goodbye!"
Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..
General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"
General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"
1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"
2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"
1: "Well, we're late..."
What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?
hail, h**...!
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
„Soldier!
„Yes, General?
„I didn't see you at the disguise training this morning!
„Thank You, Sir!
Entry level position available!
3 years forklift experience required
5 years general labour required
Class 5 drivers license required
2 years kitchen experience required
4 years retail services required
2 years hospitality services required
4 years janitorial services required
3 years business degree preferred
5 years relevant experience required
$11 an hour to start(with 20¢ raise for every year of employment)
.
.
.
.
That's it. The joke is the current hiring system of the world.
Most lists are general and ordinary
But there are a couple specialists.
Spy intels
A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.
Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?
'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.
What do generals in the millitary shave?
Their privates.
I hate disappointing people in general. So instead of telling my boss I'm gonna quit...
I've been tweeting homophobic and racist epithets for 8 months now, but sadly I'm still here.
The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)
The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."
"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"
said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"
The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!
- Old age
- grey hair
- General decrease of diseases
What do you call a French general after being hit by a cannonball?
Napoleon Blown-aparte
A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner
And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.
I tried to translate a joke
General ordered soldier to catch a rabbit and make a soup while he is taking a nap. When he woke up he see a bowl of soup on table. Amused General asked soldier how did you catch rabbit in that short time?
Soldier replied I saw a rabbit running around and shot it immediately, it didn't even have a chance to meow
An off duty soldier took a train.
When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.
When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.
' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'
A man goes for an interview
The first question he faces - "What are your strengths and weaknesses?"
Man - I have a good sense of humor, but my general knowledge is weak.
Interviewer - Okay tell me joke
Man - Knock Knock
Interviewer - Who's there?
Man - The first president of The United States of America
Interviewer - The first president of The United States of America who?
Man - That I don't know
I generally get turned on by n**... people. Sometimes they aren't n**.... I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?
I'm a showerhead.
An army general walks into a room with a solder. He said "I didn't see you today at camouflage traning...
Th soldier reply's "Thank you Sir!"
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?
Why Tso serious?
This made me laugh so hard when I was eight
Where does the general keep his ARMies?
In his sleevies
An off-duty soldier is riding the train.
When the train reaches its first stop a general walks in and the soldier stood up.
"At ease soldier, sit down.", said the general.
The train reached its second stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general once again said, "At ease soldier, sit down."
The train reached its third stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general said, "You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop."
•
The soldier said, "I'm trying to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago."
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud s**...!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?
General so-so's chicken

