General Jokes

Following is our collection of commander puns and secretary one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including General jokes for adults, dirty miscellaneous jokes and clean four star general dad gags for kids.

The Best General Puns

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.

' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."


The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.

General: You are forgetting something important sir.

Obama: No I am not.

General: Tanks, Obama.

I went to a General Store the other day.

Couldn't find anything specific.

Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!


Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of ChinaΒ (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?

The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!

My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider

It was good, General Lee speaking.

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"

She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.

She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.

The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."

The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"

The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.

The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."

The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."


I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..

***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.

The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.

And something completely different in prison.

Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.

He managed to surrender twice.

You're the best ninja I've ever seen!

And the worst ninja in general.

Do you speak english?

- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

You have to recall everything.

Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.

He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"

PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."

General: "Do you know who this is?"

PFC: "No."

General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"

PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"

General: "No."

PFC: "Good, goodbye!"

Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War.

I just General Lee don't get them.

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They all wait for the Jew to speak…

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!

Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

I asked an Indian if he likes custard

He said, "not in general."

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute.

Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs.

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."

I don't like generalizations...

They all suck.

The general couldn't find his armies...

...So he rolled up his sleevies

"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...

"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."

Last request...

A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.

"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."

The general agrees and takes a step back.

"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions

What happened on June 6, 1944?

We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!

What was the turning point of world war 2?

Battle of the bulge, sir!

What's is the importance of May 12β€³ The Man thought and thought I don't know, sir!

The superior then said Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.

General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."

His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news General?"

Custer says "Well, we won't have to ride through Nebraska again."

An army general walks into a room with a solder. He said "I didn't see you today at camouflage traning...

Th soldier reply's "Thank you Sir!"

Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor.

Nobody should be able to vote in both.

What do you call a French general after being hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown-aparteο»Ώ

What do generals in the millitary shave?

Their privates.

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

Generally, the phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" are used synonymously...

But not at a funeral.

Most lists are general and ordinary

But there are a couple specialists.

I tried to translate a joke

General ordered soldier to catch a rabbit and make a soup while he is taking a nap. When he woke up he see a bowl of soup on table. Amused General asked soldier how did you catch rabbit in that short time?
Soldier replied I saw a rabbit running around and shot it immediately, it didn't even have a chance to meow

Where did the General put his armies

In his sleevies...

A man counterfeits $18 bills...

...and needs to get rid of them, so he takes a trip through rural Iowa. Coming to a small general store at a remote crossroads, he goes in and asks the old man behind the counter if he would please break his bill. The old man replies, "Sure, would you like 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Animals missing legs.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It Doesn't matter, it is not going to come anyways.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

What do you call a cat with no legs?

General Tso's chicken

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with no front legs?

Lean beef

Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume.

Who are they gonna ask?

We've updated Skype so you have the latest version...

it includes performance improvements and general fixes.

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

Remember when...

... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...

A man goes for an interview

The first question he faces - "What are your strengths and weaknesses?"

Man - I have a good sense of humor, but my general knowledge is weak.

Interviewer - Okay tell me joke

Man - Knock Knock

Interviewer - Who's there?

Man - The first president of The United States of America

Interviewer - The first president of The United States of America who?

Man - That I don't know

There is an abundance of strategically jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes and general puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any army witze you can hear about general.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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