General Jokes

Discover an array of humorous general jokes from various categories such as general surgery, evaluator, contractor, manager, knowledge, conference, and much more. Share a good laugh with friends and family as you explore a wide range of jokes about admiral, lieutenant, commander, and General Tso.

Witty General Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

I went to a General Store the other day.

Couldn't find anything specific.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.

The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."

The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"

The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.

The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."

The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

jokes about general

I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days.

Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"

She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.

She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War.

I just General Lee don't get them.

General joke, Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War.

What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan..

***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***

'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.

And something completely different in prison.

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.

The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.

General: You are forgetting something important sir.

Obama: No I am not.

General: Tanks, Obama.

You can explore general commander reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean general miscellaneous dad jokes. There are also general puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Last request...

A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.

"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."

The general agrees and takes a step back.

"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"

My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider

It was good, General Lee speaking.

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail Hitler we need Diesel!"

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

General joke, I haven't had sex since 1956!

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

You have to recall everything.

I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute.

Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs.

You're the best ninja I've ever seen!

And the worst ninja in general.

I don't like generalizations...

They all suck.

I asked an Indian if he likes custard

He said, "not in general."

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

General joke, The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

The general couldn't find his armies...

...So he rolled up his sleevies

Do you speak english?

- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.

The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They all wait for the Jew to speak…

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!

On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.

He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"

PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."

General: "Do you know who this is?"

PFC: "No."

General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"

PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"

General: "No."

PFC: "Good, goodbye!"

Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"

Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.

He managed to surrender twice.

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?

The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of ChinaΒ (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.

' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

An off-duty soldier is riding the train.

When the train reaches its first stop a general walks in and the soldier stood up.

"At ease soldier, sit down.", said the general.

The train reached its second stop and again the soldier stood up.

The general once again said, "At ease soldier, sit down."

The train reached its third stop and again the soldier stood up.

The general said, "You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop."

β€’ ⁠


The soldier said, "I'm trying to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago."

An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.

The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"

"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."

The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."

The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"

What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?

General so-so's chicken

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, he realizes that all of them are injured, most of them at their hands and arms.

The general interrogates the commander:

"Very impressive! But how did you manage to take all these hostages?"

"Ha, very simple! Just build up a machine gun next to the German trench and yell >>HEIL!! <<"

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house's front door?

Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

An old war general is at a banquet by himself

A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had sex"
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have sex and she is amazed how good he is. After sex she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

What is Roe versus Wade?

A: the decision General Washington made before crossing the Delaware.

The General turns to The King and says The Workers are Revolting!

The King says: Yes I agree, the workers are revolting.

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets .

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure , the general replied.

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."

Did the Confederate Army think they were racist?

General Lee speaking, no.

Civil war jokes are the worst

I General Lee don't find them funny at all.

A general walks up to his private

"Private!"

"Yes, sir!"

"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"

"Thank you, sir!"

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don't mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, No dude, I can't, I have cancer.

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.



Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

I'm not a fan of Civil War jokes.

I General Lee do not find them funny.

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said the she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece

Funnel will be held tomato.

The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not

In the end, he said it was unclear

An Aussie in the trenches

An Australian soldier is sent to the front lines in France during World War 1 and the gruff American general meets him saying alright private this is the roughest spot in Europe now. Did you come here to die?! The Aussie says Naw mate I came yes to die

Russian Tanks

"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "

"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."


Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.

Santa Jingle…

He's making a list.

He's checking it twice.

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

"Comrade President! What is wrong?"

"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"

"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we lie down and rest? But first, let's put the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the general general knowledge puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working general general manager piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes