gear Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious gear puns

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

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I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

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DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

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In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

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What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

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Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

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Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

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Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

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Cinderella wanted to go to the ball....

....but didn't have all the right gear - suddenly her fairy godmother appears and grants her all her wishes... "But remember deary, be home by midnight, or else your vagina will turn into a pumpkin"... She agrees and goes off to the ball, has a great time and meets Prince Charming....... but he's quite dull, so she mingles a bit more and meets a very handsome young man. "Who are you?" She asks...

"I'm Peter-Peter the pumpkin eater, say what time do you have to be home?"

"Oh!", replies Cinders, "about three or four in the morning!"

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The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

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Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

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How many gears does a french tank have?

6, 1 forward and 5 reverse.

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Ice Fishing Blonde

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

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A police officer sitting in his car on coffee break see's a car full of penguins drive by...

He throw's his cruiser in gear, calls it in on the radio and immediately pulls the penguin stuffed vehicle over. He walks up to the drivers side door, and being far too curious for formalities and protocol bluntly asks: "What in the hell do you think your doing driving aroud with all these damn penguins?? The driver, clearly nervous and confused began to stammer: " Well i, i just...." but the officer immediatly cut him him off and said assertively: "What you need to do is take these penguins to the zoo, right now." The drivers face seemed to light up at the new idea and he happily agreed and was on his way.

The next day the same officer was sitting in the same spot drinking coffee again, when the same car stuffed full of penguins drives by again. The officer cursed under his breath and was taken aback when he realized all of the penguins were wearing sunglasses..."Does this idiot think he can disquise these penguins from me or something??" He thought to himself as he flipped his lights on and pulled the penguinmobile over again. Angry, he brisky walks up to the window and yells: "Hey mister i thought i told you to take these penguins to the zoo!! And whats with the sunglasses??" The driver, unruffled and confident this time says: "I did take them to the zoo yesterday, and we had so much fun that today WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!"

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the greenhorn

A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting. He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold.

He's sitting by his campfire one evening when this crusty old prospector shows up and says "Howdy there, neighbor. My spot's just over the hill there. I wanted to invite you a party."

Greenhorn: "That sounds wonderful! I haven't seen a soul in weeks!"

Prospector: "I got to warn ya though...there's likely to be some dancin'!"

Greenhorn: "I love to trip the light fantastic! I'll bring my dancing shoes."

Prospector: "I got to warn ya...there'll be drinkin'!"

Greenhorn: "Oh, don't worry, I can hold my liquor."

Prospector: "There's likely to be some fiightin'."

Greenhorn: "I'm not inexperienced when it comes to fisticuffs!"

Prospector: "There'll be ... fornication."

Greenhorn: "Well...it is the Wild West...and I have not seen a lady in quite some time."

The prospector nods gruffly to himself and begins to leave. The greenhorn says, "Say, what should I wear to this soiree?"

The prospector pauses and says, "Oh, any old thing...it'll just be you and me."

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One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

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Jeremy Clarkson decided not to stay with Top Gear, but James May

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Polish Hunters

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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A diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level when he noticed a guy atο»Ώ the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, andο»Ώ the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, theο»Ώ same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set and wrote, "How the ο»Ώhell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

ο»Ώ
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and scrawled, "I'm ο»Ώdrowning, you moron!"

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A man is stranded on a desert island...

... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, "Would you like a cigarette?" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter.

After they've finished their cigarettes, the brunette says, "Would you like a drink?"

The man agrees, and the woman opens a small bag at her waist, and takes out a small bottle of champagne and two glasses. As they sip their drinks, the brunette leans forward and says, "Would you like to play around?"

The man's eyes widen and he yells, "You've got golf clubs in there as well?"

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What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years?

Second gear.

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My favorite golf joke

Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.

First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"

"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."

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There's no fish there!

It was my day off, so I figured I'd do something I haven't done in awhile and go ice fishing. I gathered up all of my gear, and after wandering around for an hour or so I came across a likely looking patch of ice.

I set up my little tent, and was just about to fire up the chainsaw to carve a hole in the ice when a deep, booming voice came out of nowhere..."THERE'S NO FISH THERE!!!" it said.

I looked all around me, craning my neck, but there was no sign of anyone nearby. I shrugged, figured my ears were tricking me, and turned back to the task at hand. Again came the voice, this time more strenuously...."THERE'S NO FISH THERE, I SAID!!!"

I was sure I'd heard it this time, but still couldn't see anyone. I set down the chainsaw and wandered around for a bit, trying to see if maybe a friend was playing a prank, but no luck. "What the hell", I thought, "I'll give 'er one more try."

As soon as I leaned over to grab the saw, I heard it again! "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"

I stood, looking straight up with my arms spread, and asked "Is that you, God?"

And the voice replied "NO! THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! AND THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"

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Russian joke

Boss gathers his employees for all-hands meeting. He says, "Alright people, we aren't getting anything done, productivity is nil, let's try new routine. On mondays, we're gonna to rest up after weekend. On tuesdays, we're gonna gear up for work. On wednesdays, we're gonna work. On thursdays, we're gonna rest up from working. And fridays we're gonna gear up for weekend. Any questions?"

After moment, guy in back raises hand. "So how long is this bullshit with wednesdays gonna go on for?"

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A little boy was riding his bike

... and he find a box of old welders gear. He grabs the gloves and the welders mask and starts riding his bike back home. About half way home, his bike gets a flat so he starts walking along the side of the road.

Pretty soon, a guy pulls up next to him in a van and offers to take him home. The little kid says 'thanks Mister!' and gets in the back of the van with his bike.

After a couple of blocks, the man asks the kid, "Hey kid, do you know what coitus is?" The kid looks at him with confusion, and shrugs.
"Hey kid, do you know what fellatio is?"
The kid shrugs again, shaking his head. "Nope."
The man waits for a minute or two, and then asks
"Hey kid, do you know what sodomy is?"

Finally the kid pulls off the mask and says, 'Sorry Mister, I'm not actually a welder.'

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Deer Hunting

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

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A Mother is cleaning her kids room...

She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband

Mom: What do we do?

Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!

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2 ants

Two ants meet at the navel of a beautiful sunbathing woman.
They decide that one will explore the area to the north and the other one will go south.
A day later they meet at the navel again.
The ant who explored the north starts to talk about his journey excitedly: "It was awesome! Two steep hills, I took out my climbing gear, went up, took out my deck chair and got a nice tan! What about you?"
The other ant groans: "Don't ask! It was terrible. First I had to fight my way through this humid thicket and when I finally found a cave and was just about to roll out my sleeping bag this fucking bald guy comes in and pukes all over the place!"


(translated from German, so sorry if it sounds weird)

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A blonde decided to go ice-fishing

...so she packed up all her gear and went ice fishing. She cut a hole and put the fishing line down the hole. After 15 minutes, after feeling nothing, she wasn't sure there would be a fish, so she prayed to her God, asking for a fish to please come bite her line. A few minutes later, a loud booming voice said: "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" So she packed up her stuff and she found another spot. Again, she prayed for a fish to biter her line, but to no avail. Again, she heard a loud, booming voice, "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" Still feeling hopeful, the blonde moved her stuff and cut a third hole in the ice. This time, without even praying, the loud booming voice said, "GET OFF THE ICE, THE GAME IS ABOUT TO START!"

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Where do emos get their gaming gear?

Razer.

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The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

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Construction worker not wearing his safety gear [NSFW]

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What are the most funny Gear jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Gear? Well, here are the best Gear dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Gear pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes