Gear Jokes

What are some Gear jokes?

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

How many gears does a french tank have?

6, 1 forward and 5 reverse.

Ice Fishing Blonde

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

the greenhorn

A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting. He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold.

He's sitting by his campfire one evening when this crusty old prospector shows up and says "Howdy there, neighbor. My spot's just over the hill there. I wanted to invite you a party."

Greenhorn: "That sounds wonderful! I haven't seen a soul in weeks!"

Prospector: "I got to warn ya though...there's likely to be some dancin'!"

Greenhorn: "I love to trip the light fantastic! I'll bring my dancing shoes."

Prospector: "I got to warn ya...there'll be drinkin'!"

Greenhorn: "Oh, don't worry, I can hold my liquor."

Prospector: "There's likely to be some fiightin'."

Greenhorn: "I'm not inexperienced when it comes to fisticuffs!"

Prospector: "There'll be ... fornication."

Greenhorn: "Well...it is the Wild West...and I have not seen a lady in quite some time."

The prospector nods gruffly to himself and begins to leave. The greenhorn says, "Say, what should I wear to this soiree?"

The prospector pauses and says, "Oh, any old thing...it'll just be you and me."

One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

Jeremy Clarkson decided not to stay with Top Gear, but James May

Polish Hunters

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level when he noticed a guy atο»Ώ the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, andο»Ώ the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, theο»Ώ same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set and wrote, "How the ο»Ώhell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

ο»Ώ
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and scrawled, "I'm ο»Ώdrowning, you moron!"

A man is stranded on a desert island...

... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, "Would you like a cigarette?" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter.

After they've finished their cigarettes, the brunette says, "Would you like a drink?"

The man agrees, and the woman opens a small bag at her waist, and takes out a small bottle of champagne and two glasses. As they sip their drinks, the brunette leans forward and says, "Would you like to play around?"

The man's eyes widen and he yells, "You've got golf clubs in there as well?"

What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years?

Second gear.

My favorite golf joke

Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.

First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"

"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."

Russian joke

Boss gathers his employees for all-hands meeting. He says, "Alright people, we aren't getting anything done, productivity is nil, let's try new routine. On mondays, we're gonna to rest up after weekend. On tuesdays, we're gonna gear up for work. On wednesdays, we're gonna work. On thursdays, we're gonna rest up from working. And fridays we're gonna gear up for weekend. Any questions?"

After moment, guy in back raises hand. "So how long is this bullshit with wednesdays gonna go on for?"

Deer Hunting

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

A Mother is cleaning her kids room...

She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband

Mom: What do we do?

Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!

A blonde decided to go ice-fishing

...so she packed up all her gear and went ice fishing. She cut a hole and put the fishing line down the hole. After 15 minutes, after feeling nothing, she wasn't sure there would be a fish, so she prayed to her God, asking for a fish to please come bite her line. A few minutes later, a loud booming voice said: "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" So she packed up her stuff and she found another spot. Again, she prayed for a fish to biter her line, but to no avail. Again, she heard a loud, booming voice, "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" Still feeling hopeful, the blonde moved her stuff and cut a third hole in the ice. This time, without even praying, the loud booming voice said, "GET OFF THE ICE, THE GAME IS ABOUT TO START!"

Where do emos get their gaming gear?

Razer.

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

Construction worker not wearing his safety gear [NSFW]

Here in Britain, we've got May & Hammond in the Government now -

All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."


The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

Polish Moose Hunt

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's collecting hobby.

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he collected ties with funny designs and wore them to work. Some had cats, or snakes or airplanes. He had close to 100 by the time he died several years ago. I remember as a kid how much I loved them, he had stories of what happened to him while.he wore those ties. He had an awesome memory and was good at telling stories.

When he passed, he left them to me. I couldn't keep all 100, and I also gave some to my cousins, but I decided to keep the ties that were his absolute favorites: his chicken pattern ties.

One day, he wore his first chicken tie when he met my grandmother. From then, he collected more chicken ties to remind him of her. I wear them every now and again, as well.

Thanks for reading this. I like to talk about them, but all my friends act weird when I tell them about my granddad's Hen Tie collection.

The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage.

Moving forward we should be fine.

You know what grinds a Germans gear?

Nothing, they are too well engineered.

My parents found bondage gear that i've been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.


My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.

So i started leaving it out in the open.

There was a bear and a rabbit.

There was a bear and a rabbit walking through the woods, right, and they found a magic lamp. Since it was dirty they decided to clean it. So when they were done with that a magic genie came out of the lamp. So the genie was like "I shall grant you both three wishes since you both found me." So the bear went first and said "I wish I was the sexiest bear in the forest", so the genie obliged. Next the rabbit went and he said "I wish I had a motorbike." Then for the bear's next wish he said "I wish all the female bears had the hots for me." So now all the girls loved this guy. Next the rabbit went and he said "I wish I had motorbike gear." And so now he had motorbike gear. The bear went next and he said "I wish all the other male bears were gone", and so he became the only male bear in the forest. The rabbit got on his motorbike and started to ride off. "What of your last wish, master.", and the rabbit said, for his third and final wish, "I wish the bear was gay".

Four Engineers get into a car.

The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: "There must be a problem with the gear box."

The electrical engineer says: "It must have a broken starter."

The chemical engineer says: "There must be something wrong with the fuel"

The IT engineer says: "Hey, let's all get out of the car and get back in."

When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

Only a fisherman will understand the struggle

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.

Teach a man to fish and he's going to spend a fortune on gear he'll only be using twice a year.

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

How many gears does an Italian tank have?

Four, one to go forward and three for reverse.

what does a hornet an rain gear have in common?

Yellow jacket

military jokes

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

In high school they called me Mr. Oblivious. So when I noticed the new kid with his fancy gear walk in I called him "Mr.Big Shot".

That compliment spared me from the school shooting

Pulleys are the rednecks of the gear world

No teeth

Decided to complete my next few marathons dressed in bondage gear

It'll be a running gag

A mechanical engineers wife comes out of delivery. She texts him

She texts him : "your new vehicle has been launched".

He replies : " is it with gear stick or automatic?"

How many gears does a french tank have?

One, The reverse gear.

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

Defendent: "Gucci Sweats and Sum Jordan's"

What is a homosexual's favorite Metal Gear Solid game?

Snake Eater.

What do Whitney Houston and Jeremy Clarkson have in common?

They were both on Top Gear.

You know, camping gear for sea mammals is really versatile.

It works for all in tents and porpoises.

You know Metal Gear Solid?

It's no wonder The Patriots were never identified...

They were really good at La-Li-Laying-Low.

What did Gears of War 3 say when it was getting mugged?

AAA

There's a company that recycles old or abandoned camping gear left behind at festivals and gives them to charities and the homeless....

They're called "Past Tents, Present Tents and Future Tents".

"Go forth and seek, further up, thy you will find glory"

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun smiled and once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the grip is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ''Go forth and seek, further up,thy you will find glory''

After being recommended by my boss, I've started taking an active interest in steroids.

He said I need to get into gear.

The best gear to wear for playing hide and seek is a leather poncho with Sketchers.

You'd literally be wearing hide and sneakers.

I don't like gears on a car, and I hate using them.

They've just always looked shifty to me.

A scientist conducted a research on smartphone protection gear.

It was an interesting case study.

Guy hears his grand kids are coming for the first time. He gets all the parts and gear, spent six hours child-proofing his home.

They still got in.

French tanks have 6 gears for going backwards and only 1 gear for going forward

In case they get attacked from behind

What's the most powerful part of a french tank

Reverse gear

A Swiss car maker is coming out with a new car that has only one gear...

That gear is neutral.

In relation to the top stories in the news.

Top gear is cancelled in England but at least top gear is legal in Ireland.

Meeting up with a former boyscout I met on tinder. He showed up with a backpack full of fetish gear and condoms

You could say he came prepared

Bungee Jumping

Two guys in America are bungee jumping on a bridge, they meet at the top and say, "hey this is fun, I bet you they never heard about this in Mexico."

A few months go by and the two have set up a bungee jumping business, ready to start testing it out. There is a big crowd at the bottom of the bridge, all are curious.

One of them puts on the bungee gear and the other stays at the top to catch him.

The guys testing jumps and comes back up with a few bruises, the guy at the top fails to catch him, the tester goes back down.
One more time the tester comes back up, it appears he has a few broken bones, the guy at the top fails to catch him again, the tester goes back down.

Finally the tester comes back up, more bruises, more broken bones, the guy at the top finally catches him and asks what happened?

The tester can barely speak because he is in pain, but quietly says, "What is PiΓ±ata?!?"

The Memory Man

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" was the instant reply.

"And the score?"

"2-1."

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

How to make Gear jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Gear to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Gear? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Gear pick up lines to share with friends.

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