gave Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious gave stories

What are the best Gave puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gave? Well here is a complete list of Gave to have fun with:

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


πŸ‘πŸΌ

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.


So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.


Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'. And Jack said 'My name is Jack'.


The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink.


Then he turned to Adam and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.

The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"

The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"

The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"

The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". He said "Because it's MY hand".

It was so funny I gave the guy five bucks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Swimming Pool Joke

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 drunk guys got into a taxi...

...The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and after a few seconds, simply turned it off again.

Taxi driver: We have reached your destination!

The first guy gave him some money and the second guy thanked him as they clambered out of the car.
The third guy slapped the taxi driver across the face. The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third guy was drunk.

Taxi driver: What was that for??

Third guy: Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm just back from Walt Disney world so....

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...

I said she was fucking Goofy!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Semen Sample

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Drunk guys and a Taxi

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fred and Mary got married

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, tell me what you think?'

He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
__________________

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

old man goes to the Dr....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder.

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder and ran up to his mom screaming, "Mama, mama! Look, I'm white!". His mom was very upset and gave him a spanking and told him, "Go and tell your auntie what you told me!"
So he ran up to his auntie and said "Auntie, auntie! Look, I'm white!" His auntie got even angrier and belted him, and said "Go and tell your grandmother what you just told me"
So he ran up to his grandmother and said "Grandma, grandma! Look, I'm white". She got even angrier and beat him harder than both his mom and aunt combined.
After she was done, she asked him, "So what have you learned from this?"
And the kid responded, "I've only been white for about ten minutes and I already hate black people".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? (offensive be warned)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A womans husband worked at a Pickle Factory...

One day, her husband comes home and says, "Dear, for years at work I have had the powerful urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer. Every day, when I walk past the pickle slicer, I get the compulsion to just stick it in. Well, today, I gave in and shoved my dick in the pickle slicer right there on the work floor."

The wife gasps, "Oh my God! What happened?"




"She and I both got fired."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl.

So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How I picked my career.

I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towards me. They called me a "fucking cracker" and "a stupid white boy" I told them to "learn how to drive" and " pay some fucking attention". They scoffed at me, and began to drive ahead, only to be Tboned by an on coming fire truck. Amongst our argument, the driver must not have heard the siren. I reflected on my behaviour and thought "shit, that coulda been me". So the next day I went out and became a fire fighter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her...

and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...

No madam, said the gardener…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Greek vs Italian Culture

One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, "Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. He decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it...

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She then tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."


The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."


The man thought hard and long about how each of the women had spent the money, he then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how
successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich
he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so
rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development
company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became
and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.

" Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from
3 of his boyfriends..." .

All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes to the doctor...

and says, "Doc, I think these hormone pills you gave me are a little strong. My voice is getting deeper and I'm starting to grow some hair on my chest." The doctor replies, "Hair on your chest huh? How far down does it go?" The woman answers, "All the way to my balls."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Four nuns die and appear at the pearly gates.

Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way.

They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water.

St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once.

"Which hand?"
"My left hand"
"Place your left hand in this bucket of water and you shall be absolved of your sins"

Then St. Peter asks the 2nd nun the same question.
"I too gave a man a handjob once. With my right hand"
"Place your right hand in this bucket of water and you too shall be absolved of all your sins"

St Peter then asks the 3rd nun about her sins, but the 4th nun cuts him off...

"If you think I'm gargling the water in that bucket after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How to Get to Heaven

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken whan a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old guy walks into a church...

"- Father, I'm 92 years old, am married to a 70 year old wife and have 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I gave a ride to 2 young college girls; they were beautiful, nice, modern, you know? After a little chit chat we stop by a motel. I had sex with each one of them 3 times."

The priest remains silent for a few moments, but seeing that the old guy doesn't have anything else to say, he asks:

"- Are you regretful of your sins?"

"- What sins?"

"- What kind of catholic are you?!"

"- Catholic? Me? I'm an atheist."

"- Then why come here and tell me that story?"

"- I'm telling everybody."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week...

I lost it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Her farts don't stink

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts are still silent but stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A tourist backpacking the highlands of Scotland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."

The old man continues, "I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me McGregor the bar-builder? No!"

He points out the window, "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them just so, through the rain and the cold. But do they call me McGregor the stone wall builder? No!"

The old man points out the other window, "You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own bare hands, drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank-by-plank. But do they call me McGregor the pier builder? No!"

The old man looked down, took a swig from his mug,

and turned back to the tourist.

...


"But you fuck one goat.."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best gave jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty gave gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these gave jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Gave jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Gave joke? You are free to share every Gave joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes