Cheerful Gave Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...
They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...
She's still not talking to me :(
You can explore gave owed reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean gave generous dad jokes. There are also gave puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$
I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes
He gave me a hug
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...
But they only gave me 3 quarters.
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.
I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
My wife gave me some bad news today
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
I gave my friend an elephant for his room.
He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."
I gave away all my dead batteries today..
free of charge.
The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.
It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.
It was terrible.
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than o**... s**...."
So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have s**....
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote
Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
Sir, your son was smoking m**... at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?
No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....
Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name
We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').
I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.
So when I go around and introduce my child I could say
"This is our child 모 Lester"
After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"Certainly," he replied.
I said, "Why did you just e**... food?"
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.
Sir, you gave me an extra. That's a freebie.
I gave a homeless guy $5 today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.
A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"
A Genie grants a wish.
I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.
The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.
Problem solved.
A girl walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me a double entendre"
So he gave it to her.
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you"
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
I'm so proud of my 18 year old son
I gave him a puzzle that said "2-3 years" on it and he completed it in 2 minutes.
My son asked me, "Where does p**... come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then said...
"And Tigger?"
I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...
Did Mary have a little lamb?
A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol
So I gave it to the homeless man
I won $1M in the lottery
I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it
I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached
My son just asked me where p**... comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.
Then he asked, What about Tigger?
What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?
Thanks for the gold, kind stranger
A blond cop pulled over a blond and asked for ID
The blond said, What's ID?
The blond cop said, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.
The blond gave her compact mirror to the blond cop, who said, I'm sorry. If I knew you were a cop, I would not have pulled you over.
I met a homeless guy on the streets today who was asking for money.
I had 20 dollars with me but I didn't want it to be spent on drugs and alcohol so i gave him all of it.
So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.
I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.
I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house
I gave her the vacuum and she said she'd start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.
She was a Slovac.
My doctor gave me three months to live
When I told him I wouldn't be able to come up with the money to pay the bill by then, he gave me three more.
Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.
He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.
But it didn't.
Then he tried learning German.
That didn't help either.
He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.
Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I learn," he said to his wife. "They all have one thing in common."
"What's that?" She asked.
"D comes before V."
Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.
You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes! Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies: Mr President, I gave you three copies.
My friend just quit his job at BMW.
He gave no indication he was leaving.
I was having a problem with my rear end so I went to see the doctor...
... The doc said, "well let's have a look". I dropped may pants and the doctor gave a thorough look and then said, "well, nothing is obviously wrong, what seems to be the problem?".
I said, "I can't stop showing it to people".
When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend's blood type, I gave them the wrong one.
Now she'll get to know what rejection feels like
Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?
He was a Ramen Catholic.
