Gave Jokes

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....

Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?

No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.

Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,

She said Look in the garage.

My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes

He gave me a hug

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

I gave my friend an elephant for his room.

He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic...

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick.

I accidentally gave her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.

He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."

The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"

The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl.

So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman

Which finally gave us something in common.

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

My wife asked me

My wife asked me to pass her lipbalm & I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me

I saw a raggedy little boy on the street and asked him if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

Today I gave a student detention for being tardy

I was then fired from my job as a special ed. teacher

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

We have collected gags that can be used as Gave pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Gave, here are one liners and funny Gave pick up lines.

Joko Jokes