Gave Birth Jokes
140 gave birth jokes and hilarious gave birth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gave birth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gave Birth Short Jokes
Short gave birth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gave birth humour may include short giving birth jokes also.
- A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby ...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
- If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
- Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
- I won first place in a swimming competition once... 9 months later, my mother gave birth to me
- If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God... ... does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?...
- A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck. The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."
- My wife gave birth the other day. Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.
- Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk? She was given a ticket for littering.
- What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated
- As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
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Gave Birth One Liners
Which gave birth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gave birth? I can suggest the ones about give birth and baby birth.
- If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Did Mary have a little lamb?
- I was once a man stuck in a woman's body Then my mother gave birth
- I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body... Then my mother gave birth.
- I was a man trapped in a woman's body Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
- What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
- To all the women who gave birth today… Happy Labor Day!
- It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you.
- My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane! He was airborne
- My computer gave birth today Now I need to buy a baby monitor
- I too was once a male trapped in a female body... But then my mother gave birth.
- Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring.
- You're so ugly… That when your mom gave birth to you, she got a ticket for littering.
- I was once a man trapped inside a woman's body Then my mother gave birth to me.
- A dog gave birth to puppies on the side of the road... She was cited for littering.
- My mother gave birth to me on the stairs Well, I guess she's really my stepmother
Fun-Filled Gave Birth Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about gave birth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean babies born jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gave birth pranks.
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
Chuck Norris gave birth to himself because nobody else is capable (or could even live) to give birth to Chuck Norris.
My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.
The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
A m**... staying in an African village approached by the Chief...
The Chief says,
"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "
The m**... begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.
"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."
The chief leans into the m**...'s ear and whispers,
"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"
Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy...
5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.
Twins
A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
Miracle....
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they could not decide what to do about it.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
I was proud and surprised when my wife gave birth...
But deep down, I knew she had it in her.
I ate a box of Triscuits and
gave birth to a wicker basket.
Did you hear about the woman who gave birth in her 50's?
Oh, wait... they can't.
A woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble.
Out of habit, the parents looked over the newborn baby, then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon
A guy brags himself...
Some guy, after his wife gave birth to 5 twins, says to his doctor:
"Looks like I have a huge cannon, huh Doc?"
The Doctor the says:
"Well then you've got to clean it up, because your rounds came out black!"
A woman goes into a coma...
A woman goes into a coma while pregnant with twins. Her husband dies in the car accident. A few months into the coma, she successfully gives birth to a boy and a girl. Shortly afterward, she wakes up.
"Where are my children? Are they alright?"
The doctor pats her shoulder reassuringly. "Yes, you delivered fine. You gave birth to a healthy boy and girl."
The woman sighs in relief. "Oh thank God. Who named them?"
The doctor frowns. "Your... brother, ma'am."
She lunged from the bed, grabbing him by the collar. "Oh no. He's an idiot. Tell me, WHAT DID HE NAME THEM?!"
"Deniece, he named the girl Deniece," he gasped.
She released her grip. "Oh... that's not too bad. And the boy?"
The doctor shamefully looked at the ground. "Denephew."
*Credit goes to my friend
A boy asked his father one morning...
Boy: Dad, where did I come from?
Father: You were born from a giant white cloud, then brought here by a fat pelican with a worn-out hat.
Boy: But mother said she gave birth to me!
Father: ... Your point?
My mother was over the age of fifty when she gave birth to me
You could say I was born with a silver p**... in my mouth.
You gotta keep the car and engine running
80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"
Soon a year later they were at the hospital again with Linda giving birth to another one and nurse remarked,"wow its amazing yiu did it again" Jim replied,"as i said you gotta keep the car and egine running"
and again a year later Linda gave birth again and Jim told the nurse,"as i said you gotta keep the car and engine running" The nurse replied,"thats true but you might wanna change the engine oil as this one's black"
A Chinese couple recently gave birth to a 7lb, 6oz baby girl, who suffers from albinism
Just goes to show that sometimes, two Wongs CAN make a white.
A pregnant woman got in a car wreck and went into a coma.
While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.
4 months later she woke up asking where her kids were.
The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.
The woman said "Oh no, not my idiot brother. What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise" the nurse said.
"Oh, that's not bad. What about the boy"
The nurse replied "Da-nephew"
Mrs. Claus gave birth on the 24th of December
I guess you could say Santa came early this year.
A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.
So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
Wife just gave birth to our second child and told me I need to appreciate her more
I promised to worship the ground she stomps on
a couple is going through a divorce
The mom makes a big fuss, saying she absolutely HAS to keep the son. The dad asks "Why?"
"Because I gave birth to him!"
The man thinks for a while and finally says "If I put money into a soda vending machine, is the soda mine or the machine's?"
BLOND FATHER
A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.
The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
Two Asian parents gave birth to a child 2 months prematurely.
They named him,"Sudden Lee"
Cop: Why are you drunk behind the wheel?
Driver: My wife gave birth
Cop: Why is there a body in the trunk?
Driver: He's the father.
A woman gave birth to twin boys, but gave them up for adoption.
A woman gave birth to twin boys, but gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a Mexican family, and they named him Juan.
The other was adopted by a Palestinian couple, and they named him Amal. Years later, the birth mother & her husband wanted to find and meet their two sons they had to give up years ago. They were able to track down Juan and were finally able to meet him. They so overcome with Joy, they started to look for Amal. They searched & searched but couldn't find Amal. The woman was distraught, but her husband tried consoling her: "Honey, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
After my wife gave birth, I asked the doctor, "how soon do you think we will be able to have s**...? "
He replied "Four to twelve years, depending on preference."
Why did the dog who just gave birth to seven puppies in the vacant lot get a ticket from the police officer?
She was charged with littering.
I was once a man trapped in a womans body
But then my mom gave birth and it was all good
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth in an airplane?
The baby was air-born.
In recent news, a woman flying with Turkish Airlines gave birth to a baby girl midflight.
In keeping with the times, the baby girl was promptly dragged off the plane by security.
I finally gave birth today...
Out of all of these 280 days of being pregnant, today was definitely the most productive.
A scientist gave birth to a damaged series of papers.
That poor deformed thesis.
Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow?
You would be to if you gave birth to a nation
"How did you get that job?" my friend asked me. "The same way Mary gave birth to Jesus." "A miracle?" He replied...
"No, s**... I shouldn't be talking about"
Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...
their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.
She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
What does a cow that just gave birth and a cup of coffee have in common?
They're both de-calf-inated!
Blonde childbirth
It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!
s**... joke warning: A man was performing o**... s**... on his pregnant wife when she suddenly gave birth...
After my wife gave birth, I asked the delivering doctor when we'd be able to have s**...
He replied that I should wait until the baby was at least 7.
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have s**....
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
When my wife gave birth to quintuplets it reminded me of an infomercial
But wait there's more
Our lead programmer is Mexican, she recently gave birth
To a set of conjoined twins. It was a Juan to Manny join.
A Chinese couple have a baby.
After the birth, the nurse brings the baby around so that the proud mom and dad can see it for the first time. When the nurse passes the baby to the mother, the parents notice that the baby is Caucasian. "Not our baby!" the father protests. The nurse says, "Of course this is your baby, your wife just gave birth." The father says, "No not our baby. Two Wongs don't make a white."
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
A woman just gave birth and her doctor says "I've got some good news for you and some bad news for you"
Woman: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your baby is a red head.
Woman: Oh no! Well what's the good news?
Doctor: He's dead
My sister is so s**...
She reads on the store door "push"
and gave birth in the 5th month.
On the immigration debate, Donald Trump said of other countries: "They're not sending us their best people."
On a side note, Mary Anne MacLeod illegally migrated to the US in 1929. A few years later she gave birth to Donald Trump.
So he may have a point.
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...?
He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......
Rose
Daughter 1: Daddy, why am I named Rose?
Dad: Because when your mother gave birth to you, a rose petal fell on your head.
Daughter 2: What about me?
Dad: Because, Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head.
Son: *walks in* Anso nai?!
Dad: Oh, hey, Brick.
When you're mother gave birth
I heard that when your mother was giving birth, she accidentaly s**... all over the floor...
You seem to be fine, but how's the baby?
Childbirth
When my wife gave birth, I asked the doctor:
\- When can we have s**...?
\- I'm running out of duty in 10 minutes, we'll meet in the parking lot.
I used to be inside a woman
and then my mother gave birth.
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...?
He winked at me and said "Ill be ready by the time this joke gets reposted"
A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"
The mother replies, "Like father like son"