Gathering Jokes

What are some Gathering jokes?

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.

The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

So i went to my first fight club gathering

I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".

The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."

The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.

"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...

...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausages the man threw up. The man, only now just realizing there's a dog in front of him, is confused.

"Okay", he says to himself. "I remember where I got the beer from, and I remember where I ate the sausages, but I have no idea where I ate that dog!"

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

Redneck comes home to his girlfriend packing

she's gathering all her belongings and walking out the door. He says, "Honey, where ya going?!"

She says, "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. Everyone in town says you're a pedophile."

He replies, "*Pedophile*?! Well, that's a big word for a twelve-year-old."

What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?

She's a first edition Black Flotus

What's a social gathering where everyone has beef with everyone ?


I recently decided to sell my old Roomba.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

Arthur and Friends

The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.

But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?

When did King Arthurs men practice? Joust at night.

Kings are old when they reach the age of sovereignty -- then they
worry about their receding heir line.

For kings, uprisings were a peasant surprise.

Puns can be made on any subject, but not kings. Kings aren't subjects.

Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner?

Mine's just gathering dust.

Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering

She wasn't Aladdin.

I bought my girlfriend a vacuum cleaner

but it's just been gathering dust.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

All it was doing was gathering dust.

Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold I've developed over the years.

Whats The Fonz's favorite baseball team?
The Oakland Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

What sexually transmitted disease did The Fonz contract?
Hepatitis Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Eyyyyyyyyyd's also works)

What's The Fonz's favorite country?
The U-S-of-Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Feel free to make up your own, its the gift that keeps on giving!


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?

A Sir conference.

What do you call a gathering of judgmental Catholics?

Critical Mass.

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.

Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.

He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.

Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"

And then Aristotle got a room.

A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road...

Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, "We won't get dehydrated!". The redhead finds sunblock, "And we won't get sunburnt!". The blonde picks up the car door that fell off during the wreck and starts dragging it along when her 2 friends ask what she's doing. "If it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!".

At a cocktail party...

an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.

At once she confronted the blonde bimbo and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.

people start gathering around him, asking "what happened? what happened?"

Chuck: idk, I just got here

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

I spent 2 hours gathering herbs but ended up throwing them out.

It was a waste of thyme.

A priest walks into a bar. He approaches a man and asks, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man replies, "Yes, of course I do."

"Then come with me," says the priest.

Next, the priest approaches a woman.

"Do you want to go to heaven?" She says yes.

"Then come with me."

Eventually, the priest has a group of people following him. Finally, he approaches another man and asks the same question. He replies, "Definitely not!"

The priest looks surprised. "You mean you don't want to go to heaven when you die?"

"Oh, when I die, yes." he says. "I thought you were gathering up a group to go now!"

"I am the young brother, let me through"

A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.

what do you call a gathering of nuns

a convent-tion

I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they're arranging a coo

A man and his wife just had an argument, and are very angry with each other.

The man is driving his wife to a family gathering when they suddenly see a herd of pigs crossing the road in front of them. Seizing the chance, the husband cheerily asks:

- "Hey, look! Are they some relatives of yours?

And his wife quickly replies,

- "Yeah, my parents-in-law!"

Don't get much use out of my broom...

It's just there gathering dust....

I bought a new vacuum cleaner.

The old one was just gathering dust.

Why do vegans rarely hold gathering?

Because they avoid meet.

I sold my old carpet cleaner today.

It was only gathering dust.

I recently went to a gathering for turtles...

..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.

So I've been clearing out my attic...

... and I've decided to get rid of my hoover- it was just gathering dust.

The yard.

Son: Dad!

Dad: What is it son?

Son: Boys are gathering into our yard!

Dad: ...How many boys?

Son: All of them...


Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he stomped around trying to find any defects. He stomped so hard it collapsed on top of him, burying him forever! He had put so much faith in that mana fort, only to have it fold under cross examination, taking him down with it.

What did the vulture police officer tell the gathering crowd about the roadkill?

Carrion people

So I decided to put my vacuum up for sale

Suffice to say, it's just gathering dust.

We had a sick gathering last night. The Roof was on fire!

I'm sad to say that grandma's brain tumor isnt getting better and who knew chocolate chip cookies could flare up like that...

What do you call a gathering of cubes?

A block party.

What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off?

One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.

A blind woman walked towards a well,

Went over the edge, slipped and fell.

In the gathering crowd

A clear voice said aloud

"She simply could not see that well!"

They were charging for coffee at a gathering I went to

They said it's coffee, not coffree

What is a gathering of furries called?

A Purrrrrgatory.

What would you call a worldwide gathering of male athletes who have ED?

The Olympdicks.

So me and my paedophile friends have a weekly gathering...

Every week one of us brings a talent down the pub to show the others - this time it was my turn.
I brought along my guitar and after some Dutch courage I began to play.
Within a few seconds of starting the guys started cheering me on, one of them was even weeping, saying how amazing the song was.
I had no idea what the big deal was, I was just fingering A minor.

How to make Gathering jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Gathering to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Gathering? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Gathering pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes