gathering Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious gathering puns

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

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If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

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My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?

All the women got up

-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock

All the nuns got up

The boys choir, also, slowly got up

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That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

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So i went to my first fight club gathering

I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".

The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."

The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.

"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

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A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

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I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...

...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

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So all the primates got together for a male-only gathering, but they put up a sign banning humans.

No homo.

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A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausages the man threw up. The man, only now just realizing there's a dog in front of him, is confused.

"Okay", he says to himself. "I remember where I got the beer from, and I remember where I ate the sausages, but I have no idea where I ate that dog!"

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A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

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Tarzan's unfortunate accident

Tarzan was doing his thing in the jungle, swinging from tree to tree, when all of the sudden this huge truck runs him over and leaves him in a terrible condition.

So the jungle animals had a gathering to decide how to help their leader, cause they couldn't just leave him all crippled.

After much discussing, the lion says:

"I can spare one of my mighty legs, I'll donate it to our king".

The gorilla comes forward and says, "I can spare an arm, I'll give it to our king".

But no one wanted to come forward and donate the most important organ.

So after much brainstorming, they decide they would simply cut 7 inches from the elephant's trunk, and use that to mend the king.

So Tarzan went to surgery, all parts were stitched together and everything went fine.

A few weeks after, a friend comes to pay Tarzan a visit: "Hey Tarzan, how you doing, man, I heard you had an accident, is everything all right?"

"Yeah, man", Tarzan says, "I feel great! With this leg the lion gave me, I can run through the savannah, and no gazelle can catch me."

"With this arm the gorilla gave me, I swing from tree to tree even better than before."

"The problem is with, you know, my thing..."

"But what is the problem", his friend asks, "doesn't it get up?"

"Well, it gets up, all right, but then it goes to the ground, grabs a bunch of grass, and shoves it up my ass..."

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Psychologist at a bar.

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"


She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.

After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,

"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

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Redneck comes home to his girlfriend packing

she's gathering all her belongings and walking out the door. He says, "Honey, where ya going?!"

She says, "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. Everyone in town says you're a pedophile."

He replies, "*Pedophile*?! Well, that's a big word for a twelve-year-old."

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What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

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What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

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Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?

She's a first edition Black Flotus

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What's a social gathering where everyone has beef with everyone ?

BBQ

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I recently decided to sell my old Roomba.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

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Arthur and Friends

The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.

But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?

When did King Arthurs men practice? Joust at night.

Kings are old when they reach the age of sovereignty -- then they
worry about their receding heir line.

For kings, uprisings were a peasant surprise.

Puns can be made on any subject, but not kings. Kings aren't subjects.

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Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner?

Mine's just gathering dust.

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Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering

She wasn't Aladdin.

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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

All it was doing was gathering dust.

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Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold I've developed over the years.

Whats The Fonz's favorite baseball team?
The Oakland Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

What sexually transmitted disease did The Fonz contract?
Hepatitis Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Eyyyyyyyyyd's also works)

What's The Fonz's favorite country?
The U-S-of-Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Feel free to make up your own, its the gift that keeps on giving!

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Walking Eagle

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brother"

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

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What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?

A Sir conference.

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$200

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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I recently sold my vacuum cleaner

all it was doing was gathering dust

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Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.

At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Clinton.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

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Religion is like masturbation.

It's okay to practice it at home in private, but when people start gathering to do it together shit goes downhill.

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What do you call a gathering of judgmental Catholics?

Critical Mass.

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Why are masochist gathering in French bakeries?

Because they're full of pains.

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At a cocktail party...

an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.

At once she confronted the blonde bimbo and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

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A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road...

Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, "We won't get dehydrated!". The redhead finds sunblock, "And we won't get sunburnt!". The blonde picks up the car door that fell off during the wreck and starts dragging it along when her 2 friends ask what she's doing. "If it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!".

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What are the most funny Gathering jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Gathering? Well, here are the best Gathering dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Gathering pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes