Gasps Jokes
37 gasps jokes and hilarious gasps puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gasps that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gasps Short Jokes
Short gasps jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gasps humour may include short sighs jokes also.
- A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!" A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
- With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?! He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.
- Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine... "One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..." - What did the pyromaniacs say when their kid told them he wanted to be a firefighter? *gasp* YOU'RE NOT ARSON ANYMORE
- I let some of my friends use my high quality printer from Spain. When I told them where it was from, they all gasped in shock. Because no-one expects the Spanish ink precision!
- Two frenchmen were strolling down a boulevard... When one of them gasped, "Mon Dieu - here come my wife and my mistress!"
"Sacre Bleu!" Exclaimed his friend. "I was about to say the same thing!" - The doctor said to me, Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music! I gasped, Yikes! What's The Cure?! He yowled, Oh my God! It's worse than I thought!
- A blonde hears on the news that a bridge collapsed and killed a Brazilian. She gasped, "That's a lot of people!"
- an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe it gasped and said said how do you breathe through those?
- Walking with my dad he suddenly collapsed gasping for air. Dad: Son.... call.... me.... an... ambulance..
Me: Ok, an ambulance.. Im son
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Gasps One Liners
Which gasps one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gasps? I can suggest the ones about grabs and growls.
- What happened to the guy after he tripped? broccoli fell out of his pocket.
- Motorcyclist: I can drive this motorcycle on one wheel! 4 year old: *gasp* wheelie?!
- What does a tsundere wookie mom gasp when she sees her baby choking on food? Chew baka
- Ever heard of the comedian who died gasping for air after his routine? He joked to death.
- What did one washing line say to another? *gasp*! You have no clothes on!
- Mom: HEY! Don't say the N word around here. Me: Nickelback
Mom: *gasp*
Cheerful Gasps Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about gasps you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean giggles jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gasps pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......
When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm voice, says, Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's really dead.
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the blonde's voice comes back on the line. OK, now what?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100 nuns are in a prayer session.
After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a c**... in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that c**...."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed
The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.
The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.
Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...
to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
The only joke I've ever heard from my mother
my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)
Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
Things to expect when you're expecting
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a bit, his cellphone rings and he answers it to hear his pregnant wife on the line out of breath and panting loudly. "Where are you!" she moans. "I'm down at the bar," the guy replies. "I think the baby is coming!" she gasps. "Well he won't get in," the guy says. "He's underage."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"
Mozart runs into a bar...
He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.
The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?
Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!
(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.
"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.
The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"
The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, "this is a Porsche Spyder."
Again, the buyer is aghast, "what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What's next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!"
God appeared to Adam in the Garden...
God appeared to Adam in the Garden of Eden one morning. While discussing the naming of the animals and such, God noticed Eve wasn't there. God asked Adam, where is Eve my son?
Adam reply's, oh she is down at the river bathing .
God then gasps, Oh no, no, no! I'll never get that smell out of the fish!
A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it
She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.
The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.
The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"
The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."
A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.
The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.
A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.
The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"
A horse walks into a movie theater...
... he goes to the Box office and asks the clerk for a ticket.
the clerk looks at the horse and gasps, terrified. "you talk!!!!"
the Horse says "Don't worry, I will not talk once the movie starts"
A remote walks into an electronics store
A remote walks into an electronics store and sees a pack of batteries with a sign over them saying "free batteries"
He gasps, walks angrily to the cashier and says "So you're telling me these batteries aren't gonna charge me?"
The R&B group En Vogue walks into a bar...
The bartender gasps and says to them—
You know what? Never mind. You're never gonna get it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor overhears two 8 year olds on hospital beds next to each other
The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kids says, "I'm here to get my tonsils removed, I'm a little scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I did that when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice cream, and it's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid gasps, "Woah, good luck buddy, I had that done a long time ago..."
"**I couldn't walk for a year"**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The famous psychic
A famous psychic was giving a show.
"How many of you have seen a ghost?" he said to the large audience. Several hands went up.
"Several of you, good. Now, keep your hand up if you've \*touched\* a ghost." All but a few hands go down.
"Ok, now keep your hand up if you've had \*s**...\* with a ghost." There's gasps and nervous laughter. Everybody's hands go down, except one.
The psychic is surprised but curious. He runs over. "You sir, stand up. You've actually had \*s**...\* with a ghost!"
"Oh! I thought you said goat."
Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..
Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything that may or may not happen is happening simultaneously throughout the multiverse! Our reality is one string in a giant blanket of undulating spacetime!"
Freud nods, thinking a moment before responding.
"You mindfucking me, mom?"
Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens.
They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.
Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, is that a lime tree?"
Sherlock offers a pleasant chuckle and turns to Watson slowly, taking a slow drag from his tar-black pipe. After exhaling the blue-grey smoke into the moist air of the gardens, he says:
It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman & an Irishman
are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.
"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.
The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."
The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."
"p**......" Replies the Irishman.
"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.
The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,
"Sagittarius..."
Two Men Go Hunting
A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Southern Ladies
Three southern ladies are sitting on a porch, talking about how much their husbands love them. The first lady says, "My husband loves me so much! He bought me this diamond ring!" The second lady responds, "Oh my!" and the third lady says, "Isn't that nice". The second lady then boasts to her friends, "Well, my husband loves me more! He bought me a Mercedes Benz!" The first lady gasps, "Golly! he does love you!" The third lady says, "Isn't that nice". They then proceed to sip their tea when the first lady looks over at the third and says, "Well, doesn't your husband love you? What did he buy you?" The third lady raises her eyebrows, looks at her and says, "My husband sent me to finishing school, so instead of saying f**... You' I say, 'Isn't that nice!'".
