Gasped Jokes
36 gasped jokes and hilarious gasped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gasped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gasped Short Jokes
Short gasped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gasped humour may include short gasps jokes also.
- A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
- A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!" A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
- Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay. Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.
Mom: *gasp*
Dad: *clenches fists*
Mom: Honey, stop!
Dad: *steps forward*
Mom: N-
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD. - With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?! He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.
- Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine... "One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..." - At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
- What did the pyromaniacs say when their kid told them he wanted to be a firefighter? *gasp* YOU'RE NOT ARSON ANYMORE
- I let some of my friends use my high quality printer from Spain. When I told them where it was from, they all gasped in shock. Because no-one expects the Spanish ink precision!
- What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
- Two frenchmen were strolling down a boulevard... When one of them gasped, "Mon Dieu - here come my wife and my mistress!"
"Sacre Bleu!" Exclaimed his friend. "I was about to say the same thing!"
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Gasped One Liners
Which gasped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gasped? I can suggest the ones about screamed and sighed.
- What happened to the guy after he tripped? broccoli fell out of his pocket.
- Motorcyclist: I can drive this motorcycle on one wheel! 4 year old: *gasp* wheelie?!
- What does a tsundere wookie mom gasp when she sees her baby choking on food? Chew baka
- Ever heard of the comedian who died gasping for air after his routine? He joked to death.
- What did one washing line say to another? *gasp*! You have no clothes on!
- Mom: HEY! Don't say the N word around here. Me: Nickelback
Mom: *gasp*
Hilarious Gasped Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about gasped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exclaimed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gasped pranks.
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
Three nuns were talking...
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh s**...."
A woman was at the supermarket
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
The doctor said to me, Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music! I gasped, Yikes! What's The Cure?!
He yowled, Oh my God! It's worse than I thought!
A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.
The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.
"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousands of dollars!"
"Oh, I doubt this book would be worth even nearly as much. Some dude named Martin Luther scribbled all over the margins."
I saw a girl busking today.
She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
"No forced entry,"
the detective mused. "That means it could only be .... the piano player!"
Everyone gasped and turned towards the mild-mannered entertainer.
"He's the only one who has all the keys!"
The Blind Man
A girl was about to get into the shower, having stripped off her clothes, when she heard the doorbell ring. She yelled downstairs, "Who is it?". "It's the blind man!" came the reply. As she didn't feel like putting all her clothes back on, she went downstairs in the n**... to see what he wanted. When she opened the door, the man gasped, "Where do you want the blinds?"
A bottle of Scotch
An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".
Three old grannies are on a park bench when a very attractive n**... young man runs by in front of them.
The three old ladies, who hadn't had action in decades, fixed their eyes on the handsome hunk and gasped.
Janice pressed her hand on her heart and said, "wow, that whippersnapper d**... near gave me a heart attack."
Edna, rubbing her neck, added, "I almost had an asthma attack!"
Mavis , still reaching in front of her, out of breath, exclaimed, "I almost had a s**...-- but he was just out of my reach."
A blonde hears on the news that a bridge collapsed and killed a Brazilian.
She gasped, "That's a lot of people!"
an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe
it gasped and said said how do you breathe through those?
"Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny pulled out his thingy and showed it to me in the tree house!"
Sally's mother gasped, but didn't want to embarrass her. "Well, what did you think?" she asked.
"It reminded me of a peanut."
"You mean it was small?" her mother chuckled.
"No!" said Sally. "It was salty!"
As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower, watching a beautiful sunset, he got down on one knee and said, Honey?
She gasped audibly and said, Yeah?
He said, Help! My replacement knee is made of magnets.
My surname, Stead, rhymes with bed
My surname, Stead, rhymes with bed, but people often pronounce it as "steed", like the horse. One day a business associate of mine came over to the house and was greeted by my girlfriend.
"Is Mr. Steed in?" the woman asked.
"He's Stead," my girlfriend snapped.
"Oh, no!" the women gasped. " I was talking to him only yesterday."
A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...
...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the v**... Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"
How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...
She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:
"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."
"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."
My son was mixing the pancake batter with a whisk in both hands while he was helping my wife make Father's Day breakfast.
I gasped and said, honey, do you really think you should be letting him do that? That looks two whisk-y!
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.
"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.
"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"
"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"
"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his w**...."
The teacher gasped in horror as T.J smiled mischievously.
"Oh, it was like a peanut it was!"
"Hah, so it was tiny?", the teacher relieved, asked.
"No, salty!"
A man with three t**... went to the hospital...
He was too shy to speak up, so the doctor suggested: Try using indirect words .
Finally encouraged, the man revealed: Your b**... and mine, put together will make five .
The doctor gasped and exclaimed: What? You have FOUR b**...?!
I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.
I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.
I said, "Have you been m**... with this?"
"No!" she gasped.
I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"
A man sadly became blind.
The doctor said "Conventional medicine offered no cure, BUT! I believe I can cure you by replacing your eyes with cheese!
The man gasped in horror, but was convinced he had no other option, so he said yes.
After the operation, the man opened his eyes. The doctor asked "How's your vision now?" The man answered "Not perfect, but gouda'nough!"
