Gasoline Jokes
82 gasoline jokes and hilarious gasoline puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gasoline that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Be prepared to laugh at the expense of high gasoline prices and shortages. Explore the humor behind octane ratings, unleaded fuel, and petrol tanks in this collection of gasoline jokes!
Funniest Gasoline Short Jokes
Short gasoline jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gasoline humour may include short petrol jokes also.
- "doctor, my husband thinks he is a car. First he drinks five litres of gasoline abd then he runs 20km." "I understand your concern." Said the doctor "With 5 litres he should run atleast 50km."
- I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
- What's the difference between water and gasoline? In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.
- I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boot. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought... "A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
- What has 10 letters and starts with Gas? Automobile!
Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it. - My Favorite Joke (Sorry Cat Lovers) How do you make a cat go Woof?
Soak it in gasoline and throw it in a fire place! - Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive Him: it is, it's gasoline
- People who live in Flint should drink gasoline. It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded
- You know why there's Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse? Because they can't afford any gasoline!
- How do you burn a lot of calories at once? Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match
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Gasoline One Liners
Which gasoline one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gasoline? I can suggest the ones about car gas and gas station.
- About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA
- What did the crude oil say to the gasoline? Wow, you look so refined
- How do you make a cat go woof? You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!
- How do you make a cat go "woof"? Douse it in gasoline and toss it in a fire.
- Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline? They never go on petrol.
- How Would You Make A Cat Go "Woof"? Gasoline & A Match .... "WOOF"!
- My wife drinks gasoline on this specific date. April Fuels.
- How do you stop your wife from going out? Pour on some more Gasoline.
- I saw a VW hybrid today. It runs on gasoline and lies.
- How to teach a cat how to bark? Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!
- Harley The quickest way to turn gasoline into noise without the side effect of horsepower
- What's the best part about living in Flint, Michigan? Leaded gasoline is pretty cheep!
- How do you make a cat bark? Pour some gasoline on it, light it.
Woof! - What does gasoline taste like? I don't know, I'm in a coma.
- What do you call a weasel made out of gasoline? A diesel.
Gasoline Price Jokes
Here is a list of funny gasoline price jokes and even better gasoline price puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What that got to do with this Just because I cannot afford a #TeslaX right now, does not mean I am going to wait till the gasoline prices come down.
- What's the price of gasoline in America? $9/11
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Gasoline Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about gasoline you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gas tank jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gasoline pranks.
Chuck Norris uses gasoline as aftershave just for the pleasant tingling sensation.
My Grandpa told me this one about a crazy dog
I was out at the golf course the other day and there was a stray dog. It ran over to the shed of golf carts and starting l**... up some spilled gasoline. Suddenly it started running around and going crazy then it just stopped and fell over. The lady next to me asked, "What Happened?!?" and i told her, "He must of ran out of gas"
Know any good anti jokes?
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
*He was hit by a bus.*
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
*He was dead.*
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
*He was stapled to the first monkey.*
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
*Pour gasoline on it and light it on fire, WOOF!*
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
*freeze it and take a band saw to it, MRREEEOOOOOWW!*
How do you make a plumber cry?
*you kill his family.*
Another costume
A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
Horrible animal jokes inside.
How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer for a few hours, then run it through a bandsaw and it goes "MRRREEOOW".
BONUS JOKE: How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it up and it goes "WHOOF".
I told my boss that I wanted a raise.
The boss, like a j**..., replied, "How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?"
"About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.
Did you hear about the ex-p**... star who got fired from the gas station?
Every time he got close to filling the tank, he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gasoline all over the car.
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
A man stuck in a traffic jam
some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "
Do you know how to make a cat go woof?
Soak it in gasoline and light it on fire and it goes woof!
How do you get a cat to say woof?
Dip it in gasoline and set it on fire.
[NSFL] How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline and light it on fire. *Whoof*.
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
On a high traffic road...
"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"
Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"
"There's a t**... attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"
"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"
"1 litre"
Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start
The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
If brains were gasoline...
...you wouldn't have enough to ride a motorcycle half way around a cheerio.
A man is filling is car up with gasoline ...
And spills some on his arm. He doesn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck an itnout the window to try and put it out, to no avail.
A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him out out the fire. Then he writes him a ticket.
i**... transportation of a fire arm.
My truck had to spend a night in the impound lot.
It had a gasoline-alcohol content of .10 when it got pulled-over.
A solicitor walks up to a car
...and says,
"Good afternoon, have you heard the news? There is a tragedy happening. Terrorists kidnapped our President Donald Trump. If they don't receive $100 million in ten hours, they say they will soak Trump in gasoline and set him on fire! And that's why I and others are going around and asking people to donate what they can. Would you like to make a contribution?"
The driver responds,
"Okay, you can take a gallon."
A man stucks in a traffic jam in US
He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.
I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station
I wasn't sure it was him at first. However, as he finished pumping, he pulled the nozzle out and sprayed gasoline all over the trunk.
When I heard the government was planning to ban gasoline due to people getting hurt by it
I had to reveal I was pro-pain
How do you make a cat "woof" like a dog?
Soak it in gasoline and throw it in a fire... Woof
A man is walking on the interstate
He stops a car and says to the driver,
"Hi, terrorists have kidnapped our beloved president Mr. Trump. They're demanding we pay them 50 million dollars, or else they'll pour gasoline on him and burn him alive. Can you please give something."
The driver thinks for a while and anwsers,
"I can spare 5... no, 6 gallons."
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
A popular flavored almond brand has started a new program to help those in need put gasoline their car
They're calling it Blue Diamond Fill-Ups
Stirlitz
Stirlitz saw how two German soldiers pour a gasoline on a cat and set it on fire. Poor cat runs in agony and after few seconds fall on ground and dies. He ran out of fuel - Stirlitz said.
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
Best part about mask requirements
I can huff gasoline at work, and none would be the wiser!
A joke my grandpa told a lot.
Man 1: My dog drank some gasoline.
Man 2: What happened?
Man 1: He ran around like crazy for an hour then fell over.
Man 2: Did he die?
Man 1: No he ran out of gas.
What did the father gasoline say to his wife gasoline about their son that was setting cars ablaze?
That's arson.
Four students are in the car that breaks down
First student, engineering student, says "This is mechanical problem, there's nothing we can do."
Second student, chemistry student, says "You're wrong, this is clearly reason of faulty gasoline. There's nothing we can do."
Third student, electrical engineering student, says "No, there's problem with ignition. There's nothing we can do."
Last student, IT student, says "We should exit car, close the doors, come in and try again. Maybe that will solve the problem."
Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
Mechanical engineer: it's a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: dead battery.
Chemical engineer: impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I was out mowing my lawn...
I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.
The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.
I tried catch it, but it went racing around the block, then back into my yard and right up my tallest tree. Then fell right off the top of the tree.
Feeling bad I took the cat to the vet, the doctor gave the cat an exam and I finally asked, "Is the cat alright?"
The doctor replied, "the cat is fine, it just ran out of gas."
Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?
No, but j**... can.
When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…
These days we switched to c**... to save some money.
Pretty Excited!!! Our loan was just approved and...
We're closing on full tank of gasoline this weekend.
The traffic jam in Russia.
There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."
Four engineers get into a car.
Four engineers get into a car. the car won't start.
The mechanical engineer says :
"its a broken starter"
The electrical engineer :
"dead battery"
The chemical engineer:
"impurities in the gasoline"
The IT engineer:
"Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
