Gasoline Jokes
81 gasoline jokes and hilarious gasoline puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gasoline that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Be prepared to laugh at the expense of high gasoline prices and shortages. Explore the humor behind octane ratings, unleaded fuel, and petrol tanks in this collection of gasoline jokes!
Funniest Gasoline Short Jokes
Short gasoline jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gasoline humour may include short petrol jokes also.
- "doctor, my husband thinks he is a car. First he drinks five litres of gasoline abd then he runs 20km." "I understand your concern." Said the doctor "With 5 litres he should run atleast 50km."
- I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
- What's the difference between water and gasoline? In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.
- I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boot. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought... "A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
- What has 10 letters and starts with Gas? Automobile!
Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it. - Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive Him: it is, it's gasoline
- You know why there's Four Horsemen in the Apocalypse? Because they can't afford any gasoline!
- What did the father gasoline say to his wife gasoline about their son that was setting cars ablaze? That's arson.
- When I heard the government was planning to ban gasoline due to people getting hurt by it I had to reveal I was pro-pain
- I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station I wasn't sure it was him at first. However, as he finished pumping, he pulled the nozzle out and sprayed gasoline all over the trunk.
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Gasoline One Liners
Which gasoline one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gasoline? I can suggest the ones about car gas and gas station.
- About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA
- What did the crude oil say to the gasoline? Wow, you look so refined
- Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline? They never go on petrol.
- My wife drinks gasoline on this specific date. April Fuels.
- I saw a VW hybrid today. It runs on gasoline and lies.
- Harley The quickest way to turn gasoline into noise without the side effect of horsepower
- What's the best part about living in Flint, Michigan? Leaded gasoline is pretty cheep!
- What does gasoline taste like? I don't know, I'm in a coma.
- What do you call a weasel made out of gasoline? A diesel.
- What do you call gasoline that comes in first place? Win Diesel
- Chuck Norris uses gasoline as aftershave just for the pleasant tingling sensation.
- Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
- What's the price of gasoline in America? $9/11
- What country most despises cars that run on gasoline? Mad-at-gas-cars!
- How did the hipster burn his mouth? Gasoline and a lighter.
Gasoline Price Jokes
Here is a list of funny gasoline price jokes and even better gasoline price puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What that got to do with this Just because I cannot afford a #TeslaX right now, does not mean I am going to wait till the gasoline prices come down.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Gasoline Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about gasoline you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gas tank jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gasoline pranks.
Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...
Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a t**... group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Favorite Joke (Sorry Cat Lovers)
How do you make a cat go Woof?
Soak it in gasoline and throw it in a fire place!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The family dog was in heat...
Little Bobbys family dog was in heat and his paretns did not want it to walk around the neighbourhood because it hadnt yet been spayed. After a few hours of little bobby bothering his dad to let his take her out for a walk his dad finally relented. He took the dog into the garage and rubbed a cloth in gasoline all over the dogs c**.... "there" bobbys dad said "That ought to keep the male dogs from catching her scent".
Bobby was gone barely 10 minutes before he returned without the dog "wheres Lassie?" the dad asked.
Bobby replied "she ran out of gas halfway back and a kind neighbourhood dog is just pusinng her back"
A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk...
So she goes up to her mother and asks, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk?" Her mother says, "No, honey, the dog is in heat." The little girl asks, "What does that mean?" The mother tells her to go ask her father.
So then the little girl goes up to her dad and says, "Mom says I can't take the dog for a walk because she's in heat." The dad wipes the dog's backside with a rag that has gasoline on it and says, "Just take her around the block."
The little girl leaves with the dog, but comes back empty handed. Her father asks, "What happened to the dog?!"
"She ran out of gas so another dog is pushing her the rest of the way home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a cat go woof?
You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since we're translating Russian jokes...
A tiny little car, made out of a beer can, pulls up at a gas station.
A tiny little man inside the car honks his high-pitched horn to call over the attendant.
The attendant arrives and asks what he can do for the little man.
The little man asks for 5 drops of gasoline. The attendant carefully pumps 5 drops of fuel into the little car using an eye-dropper and asks if there's anything else.
The little man asks for 2 drop of radiator coolant. The attendant is getting aggravated but complies, and adds coolant using a teaspoon and asks if there will be anything else.
The little man asks to have the pressure in one of his tires checked. The attendant very agitated at this point replies, how should I fill that, with a f**...?
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Classic Nun Joke
A nun is traveling when her car breaks down. She finds out that she has run out of gasoline. She investigates the neighborhood and finds a filling station about a mile away. There is only one problem: She doesn't have a container to carry the gasoline back.
Then she realizes that she has an empty chamber p**... tucked in the back. She buys some gasoline and carries it back to the car.
She just filling the tank from the p**... when two guys walk past. One of them exclaims, "Boy! If that car starts running, I'll go to the Church every week for the rest of my life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Douse it in gasoline and toss it in a fire.
Did you hear about...?
The dad who put gasoline in his daughter's sippy cup?
Doctor's say she's going to be fine. She just had a little gas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Horrible animal jokes inside.
How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer for a few hours, then run it through a bandsaw and it goes "MRRREEOOW".
BONUS JOKE: How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it up and it goes "WHOOF".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People who live in Flint should drink gasoline.
It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my boss that I wanted a raise.
The boss, like a j**..., replied, "How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?"
"About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stuck in a traffic jam
some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a high traffic road...
"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"
Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"
"There's a t**... attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"
"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"
"1 litre"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is filling is car up with gasoline ...
And spills some on his arm. He doesn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck an itnout the window to try and put it out, to no avail.
A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him out out the fire. Then he writes him a ticket.
i**... transportation of a fire arm.
My truck had to spend a night in the impound lot.
It had a gasoline-alcohol content of .10 when it got pulled-over.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I accidentally filled my e**... with gasoline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stucks in a traffic jam in US
He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a cat bark?
Pour some gasoline on it, light it.
Woof!
A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...
I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
A popular flavored almond brand has started a new program to help those in need put gasoline their car
They're calling it Blue Diamond Fill-Ups
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know how to make a cat bark?
Pour gasoline over it and hold a lighter next to it.... WOOF!!
How do you know when a pornstar is pumping gas?
After the tank is full, he pulls the nozzle out and sprays gasoline all over the trunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stirlitz
Stirlitz saw how two German soldiers pour a gasoline on a cat and set it on fire. Poor cat runs in agony and after few seconds fall on ground and dies. He ran out of fuel - Stirlitz said.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Government
The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless c**... it will go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced
in US.
I've been doing my part, and I thank you for your help,
Best part about mask requirements
I can huff gasoline at work, and none would be the wiser!
A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed
A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.
*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.
*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.
*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the mechanic.
Suddenly, a voice echoed from behind them.
*"I'm the gas station owner and you're all half right. That wasted idiot drank pure gasoline while pouring beer into his car."*
A joke my grandpa told a lot.
Man 1: My dog drank some gasoline.
Man 2: What happened?
Man 1: He ran around like crazy for an hour then fell over.
Man 2: Did he die?
Man 1: No he ran out of gas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man ran out of gasoline and walked to a nearby small oiler town.
Fortunately, there was a gas station. . He couldn't find a gas canister, so he went down the street knocking on each door to find one.
He knocked on one door.
Hello, I've run out of gas and need a gas can. Can you help me? The woman said No, but Jolyne can.
He knocked on Jolyne's door. Hello. I've run out of gas and need a gas can. Do you have one? She said No, but Dwight can.
He knocked on Dwight's door. Hello, I've run out of gas and need a gas can. Do you have one? He said No, but j**... can.
Four students are in the car that breaks down
First student, engineering student, says "This is mechanical problem, there's nothing we can do."
Second student, chemistry student, says "You're wrong, this is clearly reason of faulty gasoline. There's nothing we can do."
Third student, electrical engineering student, says "No, there's problem with ignition. There's nothing we can do."
Last student, IT student, says "We should exit car, close the doors, come in and try again. Maybe that will solve the problem."
I was out mowing my lawn...
I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.
The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.
I tried catch it, but it went racing around the block, then back into my yard and right up my tallest tree. Then fell right off the top of the tree.
Feeling bad I took the cat to the vet, the doctor gave the cat an exam and I finally asked, "Is the cat alright?"
The doctor replied, "the cat is fine, it just ran out of gas."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?
No, but j**... can.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…
These days we switched to c**... to save some money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The traffic jam in Russia.
There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."
