Gas Pump Jokes
69 gas pump jokes and hilarious gas pump puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gas pump that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Gas Pump Short Jokes
Short gas pump jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gas pump humour may include short gas tank jokes also.
- This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. "It was pump #5," I replied.
- Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station? It was an April fuels joke.
- Found a new way to make money today. I put gas in my truck and the pump gave me 40.00 for my troubles.
- Daylight robbery... I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said, "Yeah, pump 6." - I was at a Pakistani owned gas station... There was some sort of problem with my debit card at the pump.
I know this because a message popped up that said "PLEASE SEE KASHIR." - It used to be free. Re-pumping up your car tyre at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.
Why you ask?
Inflation. - I want to die like my uncle. Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas. - My wife wanted me to take her out to an expensive place for our anniversary, So I took her to the Gas Station
Pump #4 - I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station I wasn't sure it was him at first. However, as he finished pumping, he pulled the nozzle out and sprayed gasoline all over the trunk.
Share These Gas Pump Jokes With Friends
Gas Pump One Liners
Which gas pump one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gas pump? I can suggest the ones about gas station and pumping gas.
- The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car. Where's he going, pump 4?
- 1848: You Have Died of Dysentery 2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas
- What do you call a family that runs a gas station? Pump kin.
- Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump You could call it the car owner virus
- My car loves going to the gas station It really gets him pumped up
- My girlfriend calls me the gas station... Because I have 6-10 pumps.
- What did Harry Potter say at the gas pump? Expecto Petroleum
- My brother and I work together at a gas station, filling cars I now call him pump-kin.
- What's something all men shake to reduce trickle when finished? Gas pumps
- Why gas station clerks do not need to workout? Because they always have a pump
- Wow! I got gas before prices went up! I'm so pumped!
- Is it a man or a woman? Do they shake the nozzle at the gas pump.
- Your girls like a gas station I pull in. Pump for a minute. Pull out and leave
- Why did the blonde dance at the gas station? She needed to PUMP IT UP!
- A man asked me to help him pump his gas today... turns out he was blind.
Gas Pump Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about gas pump you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pump jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gas pump pranks.
A blonde woman is driving down the road.
She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.
While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car.
So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock.
Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!…”
I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny.
Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven.
They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work;
You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."
He looks to the first man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replies,"None sir,I was faithful til the end." "Okay,You get this car." Saint Peter gives him a brand new golden ferrari.
Peter says to the second man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The man replies "About five times."
Saint Peter says "Okay here's your car." He gives the second man a fairly new Lexus.
Finally,Saint Peter asks the third man; "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" He replies "About 10 times."
Saint peter says "okay,Here is your car." The man gets an old beat up car that barely runs.
So after that,The men go driving around heaven. They stop at a gas station to fill up. The second and third man go to the urinals while the first man pumps gas.
The second man comes out and sees the first man crying. he walks up to him and says "What's wrong?" The first man explains "I just saw my wife hitch hiking."
What kind of ammo do you have?
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump...
She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very s**... voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of s**... for ammo?"
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....
"Well, maybe, but just what kind of ammo do you have?
45 year old charming guy
Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flattered but was perhaps a bit too old for her and that if I were 20 or so years younger I would happily take her up on her offer, I explained how love and s**... attraction, when intertwined, can be exciting and that I hadn't felt this way in years and asked that she save her love for someone who will truly care for her and respect her not only as a woman, but as a person.
. . . . "No," she said. "Your pump number, sir."
So a man was going as Adam from Adam and Eve for a Halloween costume.
So he went to a costume shop and asked the lady working there for a leaf to wear, so the lady brought out a leaf and the guy said, "bigger", so the lady brought out another leaf and the man said "bigger" again, this went on a few more times and the lady finally came out and said, "why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?"
Since we're translating Russian jokes...
A tiny little car, made out of a beer can, pulls up at a gas station.
A tiny little man inside the car honks his high-pitched horn to call over the attendant.
The attendant arrives and asks what he can do for the little man.
The little man asks for 5 drops of gasoline. The attendant carefully pumps 5 drops of fuel into the little car using an eye-dropper and asks if there's anything else.
The little man asks for 2 drop of radiator coolant. The attendant is getting aggravated but complies, and adds coolant using a teaspoon and asks if there will be anything else.
The little man asks to have the pressure in one of his tires checked. The attendant very agitated at this point replies, how should I fill that, with a f**...?
A black man walks into a petrol station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"
A black man walks into a gas station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"
The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!"
The black man says, "Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please."
What did the robot say to the gas pump?
"Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!"
I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.
How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas?
He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!
What's the difference between a Jew and a truck?
The truck doesn't scream when you pump gas into it.
Old Jewish Proverb: It's better to have Russians cut-off the gas than ...
... have Germans pump it.
My wife thinks I don't pull up far enough at the gas station.
She calls me a two pump chump.
Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium b**... on all the pumps...
April Fuels!
Another blonde joke
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"
An old lady was smoking and pumping gas...
Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.
Why don't you see mumble rappers at gas stations?
You can't fuel up your car with a Lil' Pump.
I was pumping gas and, a lady caught her arm on fire, police came and arrested her.
For possesion of a fire arm
Why is the Black Eyed Peas better at pumping gas than Oregonians?
Because they Pump it Harder.
A man went to a gas station
To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possession of a firearm.
I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.
I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.
She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in their patrol car.
I asked the officers what they were arresting her for. The officer looked me square in the eyes, and said, "WAVING AROUND A FIRE ARM!"
A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...
I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.
Offering to pump gas for your girlfriend is a good idea until
She tells you the pin to her debit card is her birthday and you can't think of it
How do you know when a pornstar is pumping gas?
After the tank is full, he pulls the nozzle out and sprays gasoline all over the trunk.
Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..
They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.
She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they all say good-bye.
As Bill pulls the car onto the road, he turns to Hillary and says: "Now aren't you glad you married me and not him? You could've been the wife of a grease monkey!"
To which Hillary replied: "No Bill. If I would have married him you'd be pumping gas, and he would be the President."
A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.
As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.
As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire
The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!
After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out that firearm wasn't registered
Last Minute
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Gas station robbery
First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.