Gas Jokes
133 gas jokes and hilarious gas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover a collection of hilarious jokes about oil, gas, petrol, and other gaseous substances. Whether you work in the natural gas industry, own a car, or simply find gas jokes funny, these jokes are sure to bring you a smile.
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Funniest Gas Short Jokes
Short gas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gas humour may include short oil jokes also.
- Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50 Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless. - Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
- I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.... My boss asked what companies?
Gas, water and electricity. - Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? Inflation
Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!! - President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid and gas.
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was... ...an ether/oar situation.
- Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires… They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
- Tesla founder elon musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange You'd think he was from mad-at-gas-car.
- My 8 year old daughter made this up today. Why did the car have a belly ache? Because it had gas.
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Gas One Liners
Which gas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gas? I can suggest the ones about petrol and gaseous.
- Where can you still get gas for $1.39? Taco bell
- Gas prices are so high... That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..
- Why did Bill Barr gas protestors? So the chicken could cross the road
- You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimney? They're through the roof.
- What's a three letter word that starts with gas? Car
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places But I just left the gas station.
- What kind of running means walking? Running out of gas!
- What do you call are car that's out of gas Exhausted
- What happens when you eat beans with onions? tear gas!
(Written by my 9 yr old son) - I got gas today for $1.57 Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell…
- If a king farts... Is it considered a noble gas?
- Have you heard the joke about the gas lighter? Yes, you have.
- The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car. Where's he going, pump 4?
- What do you get when you vaporize a king? A noble gas.
- If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean... ...I don't matter?
Gas Station Jokes
Here is a list of funny gas station jokes and even better gas station puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In a couple weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day April Fuels!
- My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".
- This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive Take her to the gas station.
- It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. "It was pump #5," I replied.
- Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station? It was an April fuels joke.
- I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border. I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.
- Dad joke *My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*
Cashier: any gas with that?
Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black - Daylight robbery... I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said, "Yeah, pump 6." - A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service. I walked in and hired myself.
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Car Gas Jokes
Here is a list of funny car gas jokes and even better car gas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Where were thr first gas cars invented? In Africa, they Madagascar.
- Gas prices are getting ridiculous I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
- Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car
- A person walks into an auto shop and says I'd like a gas cap for my KIA.
The car mechanic thinks for a few moments says, OK, that seems like a fair trade. - We should make an island for environmentalist... We could call it. Mad at gas car
- I filled my car with gas the other week and it cost me $175.00 So I drove off without paying.
They took me to court and I got fined $75.00
I will be back next week with more money saving tips... - if the gas station is 2 miles away.. ..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?
- If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations? Grass stations
- Apparently I've been banned from the gas station for playing 'The Who' too loudly on my car stereo... I won't get fueled again.
- I paid $30 for gas that would last for weeks And when I finished eating at Chipotle, I stopped at 7 Eleven to fill my car up.
Gas Bill Jokes
Here is a list of funny gas bill jokes and even better gas bill puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: Why did hitter kill himself?
A: Because he could not pay the gas bill. - Why was Germany in debt after WWII? The gas bill was too high.
- Why does Jewish pay less for the energy bill? Because they use the free gas
- Went to my mates house and she had a big open fire in the garden where she was burning her phone bill, gas bill and credit card bill. I said: "flipping heck what are you doing Bernadette?!"
- Why are Jews hated? They didn't pay the gas bill
- Why do Mac users have such high electricity bills, but low gas bills? They don't have windows.
Passing Gas Jokes
Here is a list of funny passing gas jokes and even better passing gas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine? An excess stench hole crisis.
- My dad taught me everything I know about passing gas. I've been under his tootelage my whole life.
- I once passed gas in an elevator, Which was wrong on so many levels.
- Why did the man driving stop at every gas station? Cause it's impolite to pass gas
- I'm an anesthesiologist. I get to pass gas for a living.
- When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud... That takes some guts.
- What's the difference between an establishment where alcohol is served and an elephant passing gas? One is a Bar Room, the other is a BAROOOM!
- What is Metal Gear's Snake's secret? There's a Solid, Liquid, and Solidus Snake. It seems they all passed gas.
- Life lesson #297 Never pass gas while using a public bathroom hand air dryer... It tends to create a fartnado!
- What did a passing motorist say to the elderly SS Officer? Give it some gas grandpa!
Oil And Gas Jokes
Here is a list of funny oil and gas jokes and even better oil and gas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Telegram from Putin to Kolinda (president of Croatia) CONGRATULATIONS STOP GREAT GAME STOP YOU WERE BETTER STOP GAS STOP OIL STOP TOURISTS STOP INVESTMENTS STOP
- Why can most major oil companies only get drop-outs on executive positions? The ones that managed to graduated all went to gas prom.
Hilarious Fun Gas Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about gas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean petroleum jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gas pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just f**... on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...
She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."
Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service
Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?"
"Because its a gas planet son"
Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.
He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are four states of matter.
Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a f**... while watching tv.
I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
Solid, liquid and gas
I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?
She told me I was missing the point
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What gave h**... a heart attack?
Seeing his gas bill
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do s**... and pizza have in common?
It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.
Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've f**... at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the h**... you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?
j**... can.
A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.
As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.
As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.
A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove
When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.
On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?
The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... kill him self?
He saw his gas bill.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... lose his drivers licence?
He was too hard on the gas
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like a gas station...
Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.
Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.
One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."
Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."
The third guy said, "You're not gonna believe this but I had a business and it was destroyed by a flood and I was able to retire here with the insurance settlement."
After a pause, the first guy asked the third guy, "So who do you call to arrange a flood?"
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
Why did the art thief's vehicle run out of gas?
He had no Monet,
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.
A man goes to the Doctor
and tells him he's been having terrible gas, but his farts don't smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his condition.
Yes! The man says. I still have terrible gas, but now my farts smell horrible!!
Great! Says the Doctor. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing!
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hitlers s**...
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did h**... commit s**...?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
My friend had a German plumber hook up his new shower....
I guess old habits die hard because he hooked up the gas line instead.
Chinese Food: $16.72 Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A man asks another "do you have a car?".
"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They all use gas lighting.
Why do masochists cook with gas?
Because they're pro-pain enthusiasts.
A man storms into his manager's office
and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"
"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"
"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."
So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...
Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
45 year old charming guy
Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flattered but was perhaps a bit too old for her and that if I were 20 or so years younger I would happily take her up on her offer, I explained how love and s**... attraction, when intertwined, can be exciting and that I hadn't felt this way in years and asked that she save her love for someone who will truly care for her and respect her not only as a woman, but as a person.
. . . . "No," she said. "Your pump number, sir."
A penguin has some car trouble...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...
He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas
and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of f**... silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."
Timed Gas
Timed Gas
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my Samsung phone with an ear-piece.
Why was the noble gas so sad?
all of his friends argon
People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend
I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder
So a guy was making counterfeit money and accidently prints $21 bills.
He decides he could go to a small town gas station where the cashier isn't too bright and see about exchanging them for real cash. He gets there and asks the cashier for his change and the cashier responds "Not a problem. Do you want 7 - $3 bills or 3 - $7 bills?"
Granny goes to the doctor.
She tells the doctor:
Look I have a big problem.
I have so SO much gas, thankfully it is not loud or smelly, but I need something about it.
Doctor said: Ok ask the pharmacist for this medication, take 1 pill each morning and come back in a week.
So the granny goes in a week later and says: What is going on, everything is all the same but now the gases are extremely smelly, what did you do?
So the doctor take a camera device and checks her nostrils inside and says: Ok now that the nostrils are no longer blocked, let's see about the ears.
What has 10 letters and starts with Gas?
Automobile!
Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it.
What will the gas stove enforcement agency be filled with?
"gas-stop-o" agents
What is a ten letter word that starts with gas.
Automobile
