The Best 85 Gardener Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Gardener jokes. There are some gardener hose jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these gardener infer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Gardener Jokes and Puns
What's the difference between a Gardener and an electrician?
Ask them to define the word bulb .
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed?
How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?
What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived?
He wet his plants.
I have an amazing gardener who's both vision impaired and dyslexic.
His work is Mind BLowing
A sad story
A boy was jelous of his baby brother, so he put poison on his mother's nipples. The next day, the gardener died.
What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp?
A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.
What do you call a bearded gardener?
Hairy Potter
Did you hear about the gardener that had an aneurysm?
He's currently in a vegetative-state.
I was in a fight with a gardener, and she started throwing herbs at me.
I'm fine now, but I was parsley blinded for an hour.
A gardener looks at his petunias & says to his foxy French apprentice...
WATER THOSE!!!!!!!
You can explore gardener planter reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean gardener carpenter dad jokes. There are also gardener puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you get if you cross a gardener with a banker?
A box hedge fund!
What did the homeowner say to the fruit growing gardener?
Water me lawn
What does the base-jumping gardener say?
GERANIUM!
Why are gardeners the best pimps?
Because they are well versed in whorticulture
Why do gardeners make horrible cops?
Because they keep planting evidence.
A gardener fell from grace and forgot how she once was.
So she went back to her roots.
What do you call a grunge gardener?
Hedgy.
My gardener is completely incompetent
He keeps soiling himself
What did the gardener say to the man in the grass shoes?
WATER THOOOOSE
I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.
Turns out he's an odd job man.
Why can Severus Snape never become a gardener
His lilies always die
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches...
He said only thyme would tell.
The gardener asked me what I wanted him to do, I told him to water the plants...
He points and asks "water these?",
I said "nah man, *pointing* WATER THOSE".
Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.
When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.
Turns out he's an odd job man.
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
The grass is greener on the other side
I forgot to water this half, I'm a bad gardener
What did the gardener say to the rose?
Hello, bud.
Why are gardeners better problem solvers than politicians
Because gardeners really get to the root of the problem.
Why was the gardener embarrassed?
He wet his plants in front of everyone
My wife left me for our gardener
So she's with Jesus now...
Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?
To pass the thyme.
Cutting down personal expenses
The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:
"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."
The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."
Woah, is Aquaman running after your gardener?
No, he's Jason Mamoa
I think my wife is cheating on me.
We moved from Paris to New York and somehow we still have the same gardener.
What did the excited gardener do when spring finally came?
He wet his plants.
What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common?
Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.
How did the gardener explain the mound of dirt in the kitchen?
"Heard would flore."
Why should you never tell a joke to a gardener?
Because they always soil there plants!
What's the last thing a gardener does?
Leaves...
Why is Kim Jong-Un such a good gardener?
Cause he's the supreme weeder.
What did Phil Collins say when his gardener asked how he'd like the lawn cut?
"I don't care; any mow."
Why'd the blind Canadian think he had a gardener?
He kept hearing his wife ask, Where's that hose, eh?
I used to be a landscape gardener.
Got my clothes too dirty so I started doing it in portrait.
A gardener found unwanted scallions growing in with his crops
His garden sprung a leek.
the gay gardener
he loved planting seeds
I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"
"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."
Why do gardeners like to wear diapers?
In case they get soiled
Roses are dead, violets are dead
And I'm a bad gardener
Gardeners say manure is great for tomatoes...
But I think it ruins the sandwich
Why was there a gardener on duty at Steven Hawking's burial?
They needed help planting the vegetable.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
Why does a Gardener make a decent Pimp?
They have experience dragging hoes outa beds
Why did the gardener feel naked when he went on vacation?
Because he didn't have any plants.
Asked a Landscape gardener for a quote
They said they couldn't help me as my garden was portrait
A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.
The husband says to the wife if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper
She laughed and replied if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener
What do a rapper and a gardener have in common?
They both spend a lot of money on hoes.
Where did the singing gardener go to school?
Julie's Yard!
Middle Ages Joke
Flower: I will droop my petals a little.
Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.
I hired a landscape gardener...
But he said he couldn't help me because my garden was portrait.
What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?
They both wet the bed.
Sorry to hear your wife ran away with your gardener
Oh, that's all right. I was going to fire him anyway!
What do you call a gardener who cleans up a lot?
A tidy didy seed insidey!
How is a gardener like professor Henry Higgins?
they both have a horticulture.
As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout
I guess that makes me a petalphile
A bricklayer, a gardener and an electrician
A bricklayer, a gardener and an electrician argue about whose job is the oldest
The bricklayer goes first: "You see, we were there already when the pyramids were being built!"
The gardener answers: "True, but we already planted the flowers and trees in the garden of Eden."
To that, the electrician says: "You are right! But when god said 'Let there by light', we already layed the cables!"
He proposed marriage, because she promised she will make him try different positions
Now he is a husband, a driver, a cook, a gardener and a plumber.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed?
Because he wet his plants
What is the best job in the world?
Gardener. They get all them hose.
Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?
He kept watering the vegetables.
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
I'm a nervous gardener...
and sometimes I wet my plants.
Blushing
My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her.'Any luck with the tomatoes?'
She said,"Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous.'
Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?
Plant Parenthood
The maid asked for a raise
[Long]
The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.
Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."
Woman : "Who said that?"
Maid : "Your husband said that"
Woman : "Oh"
Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"
Woman : " Who said that?"
Maid : "Your husband"
Woman : "Oh"
Maid : "And the third reason is that I am better at sex than you"
Woman : "Did my husband said that too?"
Maid : "No, the gardener did."
A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...
And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask? , said the wealthy homeowner.
3 reasons: Because I'm a better cook than you are , said the maid.
Who told you that?
Your husband. And I'm also better at cleaning.
Who told you that?
Also your husband.
And the third reason why you think I should give you a raise?
Because I'm a LOT better in bed than you.
Hmmm... did my husband tell you that, too?
No, ma'am... the gardener.
I never realised how much my parents hated coal...
...until I told them I was dating a miner. They haven't spoken to me since.
I don't get it, she's perfect. Even a great gardener. But they didn't even care when I said she gave me her peas
I recently hired a landscape gardener
He said he couldn't help me as my garden was portrait.
Lady Mary strolled down the path to where the young gardener was pruning the roses
"Hello, Thomas."
"Good morning, Your Ladyship."
"You know, Thomas, ever since you've come to work for us, I've been afraid that you would force me to kiss you," she said, conversationally.
"Oh, Your Ladyship, how could I do that with a pair of secateurs in one hand and a bag of clippings in the other?" he replied.
"Well," she mused, "you could put the secateurs on the bench and rest the clippings against that tree."
What do you say to compliment your Gardener?
You are cutting edge
What did the gardener do when he was excited for growing season?
He wet his plants.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
In my job, I have 500 people under me.
What are you then? — cemetery gardener
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns
"This morning," she announces, "the gardener found a condom in the rhododendron bushes!"
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"And it had been used!" the Mother Superior adds.
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"...And there was a hole in it!" says the Mother Superior.
Ninety-nine nuns giggle "Tee-hee!", one gasps in horror.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the gardener hoes puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working gardener compulsively piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.