The Best 61 Garden Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Garden jokes. There are some garden backyard jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these garden garden hoe puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Garden Jokes and Puns

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian

are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

SEO Expert walks into a bar...

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...

Garden joke, SEO Expert walks into a bar...

There's an old Italian man

There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.

"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."

The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."

That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.

The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."

Cats and ladders

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden...

...and asks him how things are going with him and Eve. "Great!" Says Adam. "We just finished having sex! Sex is wonderful!" God asks, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?". To that Adam Replies "Oh, she's down at the beach washing up." God is furious. "WHAT? NOW I'LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!"

Typical Johnny

Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.

After a long pause little Johnny puts his hand up. "yes Johnny, give it a go"

I was in the car with my dad and we were driving past one of our neighbours who was painting his garden fence with a toothbrush. My dad said "it's going to take that contagious to finish that"

Garden joke, Typical Johnny

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden...

...but he didn't have root access.

Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....

....she means well

You can explore garden gardener reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean garden lawn dad jokes. There are also garden puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.

"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Roses are red

Roses are red.
Violets are....red

Tulips are red

My garden is on fire.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

The plot thickens

Garden joke, Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

I knew someone had added dirt to my garden.

And so, the plot thickens

Where would man be without a woman?

In the garden of Eden.

"Where's your mother in law?"

- "She's in the garden."

- "Where? I can't see her."

- "You have to dig a little."


One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.

It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

I bought a new set of Electric Garden Trimmers.

They're cutting-hedge technology.

Roses are red, Violets are red,

Bushes are red,
Trees are red,
My garden is on fire.

My window cleaner caught me masturbating today. It was awkward.

Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

My wife just set up her beehives in the garden

I think she's a keeper

Some mystery person keeps adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden and when I asked her about it, she just giggled and shrugged...

The plot thickens...

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit.

The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.

The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?

My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."

"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.

"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?

I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since

Someone keeps adding soil to my garden!

The plot thickens

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.

Good thymes.

What does a pimp gnome use to make his money?

The garden hoes.

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.

But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.

I asked my wife to grab 6 asparagus stalks from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.

"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they're told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian."

My five year old just told me this one...

Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?

So he could go pick his nose.

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.

I think they are velcrows

As I suspected, someone had been secretly adding soil in my backyard garden

*The plot thickens....*

It's my cake day! Here is my favorite joke:

Someone's been adding soil to my garden...


...the plot thickens

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .

Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me

An arm and a leg

….what can I get for a rib?

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

What do you call a gay garden party?

An LGBBQ

I recently hired a landscape gardener

He said he couldn't help me as my garden was portrait.

I found an extra-terrestrial in my garden. He was sat next to the pond, wearing a red pointy hat.

It was E.T. - faux gnome

Trimming garden hedges...

...is shearious business.

Dad! I accidentally stepped on this butterfly…

Well you know what that means son, no butter for you for a month. The boy was upset and went back into the house. The next day the boy was playing in the garden again.

Dad! I accidentally killed a honeybee. The father looks at his son.

Well no honey for you for a month. The boy was upset and went inside the house. A few hours later the boy went up to his dad.

Dad! Mom just killed a cockroach.


(Old but gold lol)

A man is working in the garden and his daughter runs up to him and asks him…

Dad, what's sex?

He sits there and contemplates, and thinks that if his daughter is old enough to ask the question then she is ready for the answer.

He proceeds to tell her of the birds and the bees, love and how human biology works.

Why? He asks

Well, mum said dinner will be ready in two secs

My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.

I'm just living on borrowed thyme.

What does Santa do in his garden?

Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!

What did the gardener do when he was excited for growing season?

He wet his plants.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the garden yard jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working garden garden gnome piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes