Garden Jokes
177 garden jokes and hilarious garden puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about garden that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you enjoy a good laugh? Check out this collection of garden jokes that will have you laughing at the Garden of Eden, Garden Gnome, Garden Hoe, Garden Centre, Garden Path, Garden Shed, Garden Gate, Garden Weed, Garden Club and the act of Fertilizing. Brighten up your day and the day of your neighbour gardener with these funny garden jokes!
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Funniest Garden Short Jokes
Short garden jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The garden humour may include short lawn jokes also.
- I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
- In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices…. Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…
- I told my wife that what she's wearing isn't appropriate for gardening. But..she's digging in her heels.
- Roses are red Roses are red.
Violets are....red
Tulips are red
My garden is on fire. - Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other's gardens. This means Roger Waters Robert's Plants.
- My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water.... ....she means well
- My five year old just told me this one... Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?
So he could go pick his nose. - "Where's your mother in law?" - "She's in the garden."
- "Where? I can't see her."
- "You have to dig a little." - I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias
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Garden One Liners
Which garden one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with garden? I can suggest the ones about backyard and plant.
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it. The plot thickens.
- Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital? He kept watering the vegetables.
- What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad.
- Where would man be without a woman? In the garden of Eden.
- Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden. I think they are velcrows
- Why arent There Many jewish gardeners? Because money doesnt grow on trees
- Roses are dead, violets are dead And I'm a bad gardener
- A developer tried to pull weeds out of his garden... ...but he didn't have root access.
- What do you call a gay garden party? An LGBBQ
- I bought a new set of Electric Garden Trimmers. They're cutting-hedge technology.
- My wife just set up her beehives in the garden I think she's a keeper
- I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden Oopsie daisies
- Why was the polka musician a good gardener? He knew how to pick the right tune-ips!
- What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived? He wet his plants.
Garden Of Eden Jokes
Here is a list of funny garden of eden jokes and even better garden of eden puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know the first baseball game was held in the Garden of Eden? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and Abel struck out.
- When was the first computer made? The Garden of Eden...
Apple...
It had one byte. - How do we know that God was a Mopar man? He drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden in his Fury.
- What fruit caused Adam to leave the Garden of Eden? Man go.
- What does Jesus drive? Adam and Eve out of the Eden garden.
- Did you hear the Garden of Eden was actually a pretty naughty place? After all, Adam was ribbed for her pleasure.
- In The Garden of Eden...
Garden Hoe Jokes
Here is a list of funny garden hoe jokes and even better garden hoe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw my neighbor's wife hoeing around Her garden really is coming along well.
Vegetable Garden Jokes
Here is a list of funny vegetable garden jokes and even better vegetable garden puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a ward full of coma patients A vegetable garden.
- Came up with this one when I was 10: what do you get when you cross an elephant and a snail? I don't know either, but it sure won't be good for your vegetable garden.
- What's the difference between a bag that you take onto an airplane and the vegetables grown in Bilbo's garden? One is cabin baggage, the other is Baggin's cabbage.
- Grave diggers are like gardeners They plant vegetables
- What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers? A vegetable garden
- What do you get when weeds start growing in a vegetable garden? Baked potatoes.
- Why was there a gardener on duty at Steven Hawking's burial? They needed help planting the vegetable.
- Which one is the most regretful vegetable in the garden? The rue-barb.
- Did you hear about the gardener that had an aneurysm? He's currently in a vegetative-state.
- What's the difference between a special needs worker and a gardener? One of them has to water their vegetables
Olive Garden Jokes
Here is a list of funny olive garden jokes and even better olive garden puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the most popular first date spot in Alabama? Olive Garden: when you're here, you're family.
- Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden? Because when you're there, you're family.
- Olive Garden really does treat you like family... My waiter left to go buy a pack cigarettes, and he still hasn't come back yet. 😢
- What do you call a Ghost without any Boo's? SOBER!
Note: (am Dad) I told this joke to my kids at Olive Garden last night, and an old lady made sure to let me know how corny it was - Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy... ... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.
- Where do West Virginians go for Blind Dates? Olive Garden..when you're here you're family.
- The Olive Garden should sponsor The Fast and Furious franchise. Because when you are there, you are Family.
- How do you say McDonalds in Italian? Olive Garden
- I realized today that I really only have two options when it comes to a career path. I'm going to end up in jail or working at Olive Garden. Either way endless salads are getting tossed.
- Me:I got removed from Olive Garden for eating too many breadsticks. Friend:How many did you eat? Me:Olive them
Garden Gnome Jokes
Here is a list of funny garden gnome jokes and even better garden gnome puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck. It's a little gnome fact.
- Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats? It's a little gnome fact.
- I found an extra-terrestrial in my garden. He was sat next to the pond, wearing a red pointy hat. It was E.T. - faux gnome
- If your garden gets nuked. Does it become a Gnome man's land?
- Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats. It's a little gnome fact.
- I was cleaning one of my garden statues and accidentally cracked part of its face I guess you could say I don't gnome eye own strength
- I saw a garden elf On the subway today muttering to himself click.... click.... click.... click....
He was a metro gnome. - Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work? At the Russian Troll Farm.
- In Timothee Chalemet's next movie, the plot revolves around garden statuary. It's called… *Call Me By Your Gnome.*
- My Garden Statue Called In Sick Today He has Gnome-onia.
Comedy Garden Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about garden you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flower bed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make garden pranks.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[garden of eden]
**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.
Gardens (only clean joke I know)
Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?
Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Farming advice
A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks n**... every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden n**... every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.
SEO Expert walks into a bar...
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cats and ladders
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t**....
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head...
The priest doesn't know what head is but he figures it's bad if it is something she's confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can't get this "head" out of his head, so he asks the nun, "Sister, can I ask you a question? What's head."
"Same is in town, Father, $20"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer has a new handsome assistant
A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
Home safety
I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey?
A Thyme Lord.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was arrested for having s**... inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
An elephant escaped from the circus...
...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.
It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.
What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden?
Being a first-person shooter
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
I'm directing a film...
... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.
I asked my dad who the favourite child was.
"Ask your brother," he replied.
"Where is he?" I asked.
He said, "Buried in the garden."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my grandfather's f**......
I scattered his remains all over my back garden.
Which was horrible, because he hadn't been cremated.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure
So yeah, I got a big b**... h**...
What did the gardener say to the man in the grass shoes?
WATER THOOOOSE
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
A Beautiful Woman Loves Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. "The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
I was looking through the living room window at the tree I'd just planted and I thought to myself
"Why didn't I plant it out here in the garden?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I almost had a heart attack when I saw a black man carrying a TV like mine.
Then I remembered mine was at home working in the garden.
Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop...
The first one says to the other:
Don't go that way, there's a cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
How can you tell you are in a math teacher's garden?
All the trees have square roots.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, n**..., watering the garden.
When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife n**....
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing o**... s**....
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing o**... s**... on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I took l**... and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.
On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.
A man went to water his garden...
He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.
Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was shocked to find my son having s**... with our dog in the garden.
I had no idea our dog was gay.
A Catholic Priest told this joke at a Wedding.
Adam woke up in the Garden of Eden. After a while of wandering around he became sad. God came to him and asked "Adam, why are you sad? I have created this amazing garden for you." Adam replies, "Why does every other being have mate and I do not?" God replies " Very well I will create for you a perfect mate. But it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a bit and then replies "What can I get for a rib?"
Why was the gardener embarrassed?
He wet his plants in front of everyone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.
I turned w**... into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.
One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...
...I think he took a fence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100 nuns are in a prayer session.
After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a c**... in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that c**...."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.
A boy with swollen cheek.
Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.
When it's sunny, I think, "beer garden!"
When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while.
When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
A feminist has just stolen my garden gate
I was going to shout at her but I thought she might take a fence
What do you call a cauliflower growing at the edge of a garden?
a border cauli!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My window cleaner caught me m**... today. It was awkward.
Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.
How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it a bunch of times.
Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when
the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"
Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well he's in your cat"
I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?
I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Couple having s**... in the garden at night....
He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been l**... that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a garden and a woman on h**... have in common?
They both grow vegetables when someone plants a seed in them.
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower
I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.
The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.
A couple are discussing starting a garden
"You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums," remarked the wife. "Maybe I'll start by planting those."
"Oh sure, why not," replied the husband. "Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."
"Alright, let me just run to the store really quick then," said the wife. "You see, I haven't actually botany yet."
Three nuns die and go to Heaven...
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.
"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.
"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.
A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
What are you? asks the cat. I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you? The cat thinks for a moment and says, I guess i'm a gnome.
After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.
Eve became suspicious.
Are you running around with another woman? Eve fired off.
What other woman? Adam exclaimed You're it!
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
What are you doing?
Counting your ribs.
I went to see my mate Bruce today and asked his wife where he was.
She said he's out the back in the garden. I had a quick look but couldn't see him so went to ask his wife again.
She said, he's out there, you just have to dig a little deeper .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
A Gnome.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.
I just love mischief!
And what, may I ask, creature are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"I guess I'm a gnome."
Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...
God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."
God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."
God asks the third Nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
She says, "Hmm, that's a hard one."
He says, "Okay, you're in."
My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.
Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs?
His name is p**... O'Furniture
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a p**... gnome use to make his money?
The garden h**....
