Game Show Jokes

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is i**... to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.
One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize.
"To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say.
His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?"
He says"Quack quack Mummy."
His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right."
She says "What does a dog say?"
He says "Woof woof Mummy."
She says "Very good."
She says "What does a cat say?"
He says "Meow meow Mummy."
She says "Yes that's right."
Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go."
His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a cow say?"
The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a cow says."
Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a cow that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"
"Twelve", replied the rabbit.
"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"
The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"
"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand prize question: How much is 1,297 times 142?"
And without skipping a beat, the rabbit immediately replied, "184,174, what else?"
The host is surprised. "That's correct! But tell me, how did you get the final answer so quickly?"
"Oh, that's easy," said the rabbit. "If there's one thing us rabbits can do, it's multiply!"

$20 dollars for s**...

I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues her little $20 game, always requesting it before making love to her husband. He figures this is just her cute little way of getting spending cash for her clothes and lunch with her girl friends, so he always obeys.
After 30 years of marriage, he comes home one day, and tells his wife he has been fire from his job, they are broke, they have no retirement! She gathers her check book and shows him many lists of $20 deposits into a savings account. He realizes what she has been doing all a long, and says to her, "d**..., if I would have known what you were doing I would have given you all my business."

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...
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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.
I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.
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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...
...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.
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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:
"Chinese," I replied.
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I'm entering the m**... Tournament in the Olympics this year.
Very stiff competition though.
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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"
I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.
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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.
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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.
Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

An engineer, a doctor and a priest were playing golf.

A f**... was playing ahead of them and each man had his own personal ball spotter lining them up and then taking them to their ball.
The game was moving extremely slow and the men were starting to become annoyed.
The head golf pro showed up to see how the men were doing. The priest, being curious asked the pro what the deal with the men was.
The pro answered that the four men were firefighters that lost their eyesight in the clubhouse fire the year before. Because of this they get to play for free and get their own caddies.
The priest hearing this was saddened and said he would pray every night for the men.
The doctor then said that we would do everything in his power to find a way to get these men's eyesight back to them.
The engineer then asked the pro why the men can't play at night.

Bag limit.

A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
...
"What fish?"

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?
They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths' condo and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.

A story about a r**... and a Game Warden.

A r**... with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the r**.... "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The r**... said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The r**... released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the r**....
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the r**....

Three men - one blind, one deaf, one dumb - participate in a game show...

The blind man is shown a map with a marker and asked to name the exact place it is pointing to. Being blind though, he is well versed in Braille, so he begins feeling the map with his hands and after a few seconds says "Grenoble, France".
"Correct! 50 points for Mr. Blind", says the host.
The deaf man is played a particular song and asked to identify its singer. Being deaf though, he is a keen observer and lip-reader. He notices one of the people in the audience singing along with the song, reads their lip, and says, "Stand Tall, by Burton Cummings."
"Correct! 50 points for Mr. Deaf", says the host.
Finally, the dumb man is asked to spell "Mississippi". After thinking for a few seconds, he says, "M-R-S. S-I-P-P-Y".

Blonde Joke 2.0

There was a game show featuring 2 contestants: a blonde mother and a blonde daughter.
The game show revolves around the fact that the daughter must be able to answer the question, with only 1 attempt.
The host then asks the daughter.
"What is 2 x 7?"
The daughter quickly replies;
"12!"
The host looks at both the mother and daughter and yells
"INCORRECT, SO SORRY!"
The mother then quickly shots
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE MY DAUGHTER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The host then agrees (to stop the staggering from the mother) and then re asks the daughter the same question!
The daughter then finally answers:
"14"
And before the host can congratulate the daughter, the mother shouts
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, PLEASE GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE"

Go tell Meyer's wife . . .

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the kid reaches into his front pocket and says, "In my hand is something stiff, with a red tip and is about one inch long. What is it?"
"JIMMY!!!!!" exclaims the teacher
The kid smiles, takes his hand out of his pocket and says
"Nope, its a match.... But it shows your thinking!"

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.
When he arrived, they showed him into the family room, introduced him to their 5-year old son who was playing an old Nintendo game, and disappeared into the kitchen to bring out some refreshment. The minister asked their son what they were having for dinner.
"Goat" the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "This morning, I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We should have the old goat for dinner tonight.'"

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??