Gambling Jokes

Why is gambling i**... in Africa?
Because there are too many cheetahs!

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

I think gambling hotlines would be more effective

if every fifth caller won a prize.

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

A very life-battered looking hobo asks for some change from a guy coming from a bar

The guy asks "Are you going to use it for booze then?"
"No I will not, sir" says the hobo.
"Well will you gamble it then?" Asks the man.
"No I will not, sir"
"Well then you must come and show my wife what it does to a man if he doesn't drink or gamble!"

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.
Stop clicking on click-bait!
(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).

Teenage twin boys in a "special needs" class were suspended for online gambling while at school...

Turns out they have DoubleDown syndrome.

A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling.

Fortunately he quit while he was a head.

What do you use to gamble on vacation?

Pair-a-dice!

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

I was at the butchers the other day

And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.

What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought, "I might have to raise him."

My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a s**... card game!?"
I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

What do you call someone that doesn't eat animal products and loves to gamble?

A Las Vegan

An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog,

a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at all of them and says:
"What is this, a joke?"

What do you call a cow gambling for his life?

High steaks.

I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. Zulu's? He asked.

I said nope. I usually won.

A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.

God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.

How do you earn a small fortune by gambling?

You start with a big fortune.

My wife told me I ruined our vacation.

How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

Living to 90

So a guy asks his doctor, "Do you think I'll live to 90?"
The doctor says, "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"
"No."
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"Do you gamble?"
"No."
"Do you chase women?"
"No."
"Well," says the doctor, "let me ask you this: Why the h**... do you want to live to 90?"

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I'm bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

Did you hear about the cow that gambled over w**...?

It was a high steaks game.

When I go to casinos, the most...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:
Rabbi, were you gambling?
The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?

so i heard they banned gambling at the zoo

too many cheetahs!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.

Nobody rewarded me :(

I see people in the subreddit of ''GetMotivated'' writting stuff like ''I am a month free from alcohol'' or ''I am 3 months away from gambling'' and they get awards for doing that. Well I wrote there ''I am 3 months away from studying''. Nobody rewarded me. Thank you people of reddit!

I finally have quit gambling...

I do cryptos now.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads:

If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.
He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

A father picks his son up from school and tells him "Today we're gonna go to the forest and learn some survival."

The son asks "Cool! How long will we be there?"
The father replies: "I don't know, I just gambled the house away."

What's a cat's favorite way to gamble?

Scratchers.