Gambling Jokes

Funny gambling jokes about casinos, gamblers, debts, and the Las Vegas lifestyle. Learn about the risks of gambling addiction, and what you can do to help. Whether you're a fan of casino games or just appreciate a good joke, these gambling jokes are sure to entertain.

Ridiculous Gambling Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

Too many cheetahs

I think gambling hotlines would be more effective

if every fifth caller won a prize.

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

jokes about gambling

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

Teenage twin boys in a "special needs" class were suspended for online gambling while at school...

Turns out they have DoubleDown syndrome.

What did the nun wear to the casino?

Her gambling habit.

Gambling joke, What did the nun wear to the casino?

A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling.

Fortunately he quit while he was a head.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

You can explore gambling vegas reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean gambling addictions dad jokes. There are also gambling puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Did you know the Dalai Lama has a gambling problem?

Yeah, he loves Tibet

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.

I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.

A Greyhound bus.

My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem

But I think she's bluffing.

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

Gambling joke, What's gambling like in heaven?

My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.

I thought, "I might have to raise him."

My dad is like the Michael Jordan of dads.

He has a serious gambling problem.

I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas...

What can I say? I like Tibet.

How do you stop a gambling addict from gambling?

Make a bet. They won't refuse.

Why did the Necromancer with a gambling problem get kicked out of the Slaughterhouse...

He kept raising the steaks.

I know how to make a small fortune from gambling

start with a large fortune

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"

I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

How much do you wanna bet

that I have a gambling problem?

A man walks into a butchers's shop

and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?

The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".

So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"

So the butcher looks up.

He looks down, and back at the man.

"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".

"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"

"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

Gambling joke, A man walks into a butchers's shop

Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog,

a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at all of them and says:

"What is this, a joke?"

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

What do you call a cow gambling for his life?

High steaks.

My wife left me today

She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.

They say that one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money's on Dave.

I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. Zulu's? He asked.

I said nope. I usually won.

Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said 'Why? We don't have gambling problems!'

I replied, 'You wanna bet?'

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

How do you earn a small fortune by gambling?

You start with a big fortune.

My wife told me I ruined our vacation.

How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling.

My friend told me he has a gambling addiction...

,,bet you can't quit"

The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?

Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.

Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?

Winner : I'll probably just waste it.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

My wife just left me because of my gambling addiction...

I wonder what the odd are for me winning her back.

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I'm bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

When I go to casinos, the most...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:

Rabbi, were you gambling?

The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?

so i heard they banned gambling at the zoo

too many cheetahs!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.


The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

The man replies, That would be my wife.

I finally have quit gambling...

I do cryptos now.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

What do you call a fish that won't walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads:

If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.

He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?

My wife is mad at me because I lost £6,570 gambling. Seriously, honey! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

Studies show that one out of every six friends have a gambling addiction

My money is on Peter

Did you hear about the guy who had such a gambling problem, he sold every single body part to pay for it?

He should have quit while he was still a head.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction

But I know I can win her back

Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

Gambling brought my family closer together.

We had to buy a smaller house.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the gambling gambling problem puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working gambling gambling addiction piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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