Gallon Jokes
82 gallon jokes and hilarious gallon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gallon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Gallon Short Jokes
Short gallon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gallon humour may include short quart jokes also.
- What weigh more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke - My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too" - Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
- If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed. That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
- I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon? She told me I was missing the point
- A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk. - If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.... That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
- My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants
- What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The water. Butane is lighter fluid
Share These Gallon Jokes With Friends
Gallon One Liners
Which gallon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gallon? I can suggest the ones about gas tank and bottle.
- I bought a gallon of Wite-Out the other day.... Big mistake.
- I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day. Big mistake.
- Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me How dairy!
- An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea He drowned in his own tepee
- How do you make a cat go woof? A gallon a of gas and some matches.
- Some guy threw a gallon of milk at my head How dairy
- Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon? They only come in quarts(z)
- The last thing my grandfather told me was Quarts! Litres! Gallons! That spoke volumes.
- How many gallons can fit inside the world cup? A brazilian
- What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish? A bass drum.
- What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream? Breyers remorse.
- What happened to the Indian who drank 10 gallons of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.
- A friend of mine once chugged 2 straight gallons of milk It was legendairy.
- A pelican can store 3 gallons of water in his beak. Yet I don't see how the helican.
- How much is a hospice? About 10 gallons
Miles Gallon Jokes
Here is a list of funny miles gallon jokes and even better miles gallon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If software developers made cars They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.
- Why does Eminem spend so much on gas? His car only gets 8 mile per gallon.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Gallon Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about gallon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pint glass jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gallon pranks.
A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all
Kurdled
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
Programmer husband
A wife says to her programmer husband, "Honey, go to the store and get a gallon of milk; if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes back with only 12 gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs."
Paint it green
A young man shows up for a job at a large house and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and gives the young man a gallon of green paint and a brush and tells him to go out back and paint the "porch green." After a few hours the young man comes back and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and the young man says, "Sir, I'm done paintin', but that aint no porch you got out back, it's a Ferrari."
I guess I've cut back on my drinking...
Time was, I'd buy a half gallon of bourbon and get drunk four times. Now I buy a half gallon and just get drunk twice.
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?
Meat hes a butcher.
A dog walks into a saloon, he's got revolver on his hip, a 10 gallon hat, and a pair of spurs on his boots that clank as he limps. With everybody's eyes on him, he limps up to the bar, leans back on it, tips his hat up and says:" I'm looking for the two-bit varmint that shot my pa"
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A woman is putting her grocery items on the conveyor belt...
A woman is putting her items on the conveyor belt and the clerk sees, a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. The clerk looks at all of the items and says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman, shocked, says "Yes! How do you know this?" The clerk replies with
"It's because you're ugly"
You must be single.
A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."
A bucket goes to the doctor
The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.
The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."
"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."
The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."
A woman is shopping at a grocery store.
She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
My grandpa would always tell me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
Adolf h**...'s Refrigerator
Adolf h**... opens his fridge to find 5 gallons of Tropicana, 8 gallons of Cranberry Ocean Spray, 1 gallon of Grape Minute Maid and a pint of V8. How long until he eliminates all of the juice?
I tried to donate blood to the Red Cross the other day...
...but they wouldn't accept it in a 5 gallon bucket.
They also said it had to be mine.
The GOP gets kidnapped
The kidnappers demand the ransom of 500M USD or they will douse them in gas and light them on fire.
So there were people in the streets collecting donations, and they asked me at an intersection
"You must have heard the news recently. Could you spare a little to help us out in this initiative?"
"How much is everyone giving on average?"
"About a gallon, give or take"
What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?
Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
A friend of mine died recently
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
A programmer is heading out to the grocery store.
His wife tells him "get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 13 gallons of milk.
A man stuck in a traffic jam
some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "
So h**... was getting gas the other day...
And he said "what?! $2.60 per gallon?? That's a heil of a deal."
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...
She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?
"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.
"Because they had eggs" says the husband.
Why didn't the bourbon distiller try to lift a full 53 gallon barrel by himself?
Because it was too whiskey.
A man is asked to go to the store by his wife
She tells him - buy me a gallon of milk, and if they have avocados, get me 6.
When man returns from the store, the wife asks him - why did you get 6 gallons of milk?
He replies, they had avocados
A recent study found .....
........ that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn't square?
Because the opening of the bottle is round.
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
How many eggs in a gallon?
Your average gal on the street has about a million.
My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.
Skim milk has never tasted so good.
A programmer
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"
A woman goes to the store
She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know you're single". The woman is surprised and laughs "That's crazy! How can you tell just based on my items?!". The cashier replies, "its cause you're ugly"
What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)
Water because butane is a lighter fluid
Which one is heavier? A gallon of water or butane?
A gallon of water because butane is lighter fluid.
I saw a man k**... a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself
How dairy.
A guy put a gallon each of strawberry, grape and apple flavored punch in a barrel, jumped in and rolled down a local hill. His friend asked, but why?
He replied: I just wanted to roll with the punches.
Some guy just threw a gallon of milk at me!
How dairy
This was udderly dumb, I should stop milking this
If you're down in the dumps and feeling really depressed, drink a gallon of water before going to bed.
It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.
Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.
What is the difference between an emo kid and a gallon of milk?
The milk won't hang itself after you dump it.
Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore….
Too many cameras.
Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store
he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.
so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes
the second one bursts into laughter
the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?"
\- because, he wants to buy a gallon of potatoes and he didn't bring a bottle
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
