Gallon Jokes
73 gallon jokes and hilarious gallon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gallon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Gallon Short Jokes
Short gallon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gallon humour may include short quart jokes also.
- What weigh more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke - My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too" - I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon? She told me I was missing the point
- My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants
- A friend of mine died recently A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish. - What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns? Several gallons of laughing stock.
- I tried to donate blood to the Red Cross the other day... ...but they wouldn't accept it in a 5 gallon bucket.
They also said it had to be mine. - I guess I've cut back on my drinking... Time was, I'd buy a half gallon of bourbon and get drunk four times. Now I buy a half gallon and just get drunk twice.
- Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore…. Too many cameras.
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Gallon One Liners
Which gallon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gallon? I can suggest the ones about gas tank and bottle.
- I bought a gallon of Wite-Out the other day.... Big mistake.
- Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me How dairy!
- How do you make a cat go woof? A gallon a of gas and some matches.
- Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon? They only come in quarts(z)
- How many gallons can fit inside the world cup? A brazilian
- What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish? A bass drum.
- What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream? Breyers remorse.
- A friend of mine once chugged 2 straight gallons of milk It was legendairy.
- A pelican can store 3 gallons of water in his beak. Yet I don't see how the helican.
- How much is a hospice? About 10 gallons
- What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon? One Supreme Litre.
- How many eggs in a gallon? Your average gal on the street has about a million.
- Why does Eminem spend so much on gas? His car only gets 8 mile per gallon.
- When Chuck Norris donates blood, he gives twenty gallons.
None of it is his own. - what does a cowboy from colorado wear? a 420-gallon hat
Miles Gallon Jokes
Here is a list of funny miles gallon jokes and even better miles gallon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If software developers made cars They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Gallon Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about gallon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pint glass jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gallon pranks.
A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all
Kurdled
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wants to be an Eskimo...
He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things:
1) You must drink one gallon of 151 r**..., and if you can handle it and maintain all of your faculties, we will know your body and spirit are in harmony.
2) You must climb up the tall mountain and kill the polar bear that resides in the cave at the summit.
3) To show your true love for our race, you must make love to an Eskimo woman of my choosing."
The man thinks for a while, and agrees to complete the challenges. He first drinks the gallon of 151 and it was like nothing ever happened to him. He can talk, walk, and think logically. Next, he ascends the mountain and is not seen for a few hours after entering the cave. The chief breathes a sigh of relief, because he is sure the polar bear killed him, but gets the shock of his life when he sees the man descending the mountain. He is in tatters. His clothes are ripped, he is breathing heavily and sweating profusely, and his hair is pointing in every direction.
He approaches the chief, ready for the third challenge and asks, "Alright, now who is this woman you want me to kill?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store…
She has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken p**... pies, and laundry detergent.
When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.
You must be single? he asked her.
Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.
Yes, I am single , she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell I'm single? she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.
cause….. he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. cause you're ugly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the prize." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: An alligator out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have s**... with the dirtiest h**... in the place. The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds. He yells, "Now! Where's that h**... with the tooth ache?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into an ice cream shop
A woman walks into an ice cream shop.
She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."
The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."
She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."
The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."
The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."
The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"
"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"
She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"
He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the f**...' in chocolate?"
She furrows her brow, "But there is no f**...' in chocolate!"
He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"
A priest goes to get a haircut...
Upon completion, the barber refuses payment.
"You do the work of God, I cannot take your money."
The following morning on his doorstep he found a basket of apples.
That day a Muslim religious came in to receive a haircut.
Upon complete the barber said: "You do God's work, I cannot take your money."
The following morning he found a gallon of goat milk on his doorstep.
That same day a Rabbi came in to get a haircut.
Upon completion the barber said: "I cannot take your money, you do God's work."
The following morning he found ten Rabbis on his doorstep.
Paint it green
A young man shows up for a job at a large house and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and gives the young man a gallon of green paint and a brush and tells him to go out back and paint the "porch green." After a few hours the young man comes back and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and the young man says, "Sir, I'm done paintin', but that aint no porch you got out back, it's a Ferrari."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?
Meat hes a butcher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is putting her grocery items on the conveyor belt...
A woman is putting her items on the conveyor belt and the clerk sees, a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. The clerk looks at all of the items and says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman, shocked, says "Yes! How do you know this?" The clerk replies with
"It's because you're ugly"
Gas is under $2 a gallon and Suge just killed a guy...
Looks like the '90's are back!!
A bucket goes to the doctor
The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.
The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."
"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."
The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adolf h**...'s Refrigerator
Adolf h**... opens his fridge to find 5 gallons of Tropicana, 8 gallons of Cranberry Ocean Spray, 1 gallon of Grape Minute Maid and a pint of V8. How long until he eliminates all of the juice?
Gas dropped to 77 cents a gallon in some places in Michigan.
But don't bother, it was leaded.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?
Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stuck in a traffic jam
some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So h**... was getting gas the other day...
And he said "what?! $2.60 per gallon?? That's a heil of a deal."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The clever old man
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been in a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out till you leave!" The old man frowned "I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding up the bucket he said, "Im here to feed the alligator."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Why didn't the bourbon distiller try to lift a full 53 gallon barrel by himself?
Because it was too whiskey.
Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn't square?
Because the opening of the bottle is round.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
A programmers wife sends him to the store for a gallon of milk.
"if they have eggs, then get a dozen," she said.
But tragically, on the way there, he got hit by a bus and died.
An american, a french, an arab and a swiss are on a fly...
Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".
The american take billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"
Then the french drop cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"
The arab drop gallon of oil and says : "We got too much of this"
and the swiss was embarassed, he thought a lot, then he took the french guy and drop him through the windows and say : "We got enough of them"
It's a swiss joke, in switzerland, we have a lot of french guys that come to work and some extremist will say "they steal our jobs" :-)
A young English farmer girl is watching a news report on the state of hospices in the country
She asks her father confusingly dad, what's a hospice?
Dad: About a gallon and a half
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wifey saw me buying a gallon of pineapple juice and said:
"Sorry, I have o**... problem".
If milk is only about 3$ per gallon, and it only takes 5 minutes to get to the store...
Why hasn't my dad been home?
My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.
Skim milk has never tasted so good.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes to the store
She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know you're single". The woman is surprised and laughs "That's crazy! How can you tell just based on my items?!". The cashier replies, "its cause you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a man k**... a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself
How dairy.
A guy put a gallon each of strawberry, grape and apple flavored punch in a barrel, jumped in and rolled down a local hill. His friend asked, but why?
He replied: I just wanted to roll with the punches.
Some guy just threw a gallon of milk at me!
How dairy
This was udderly dumb, I should stop milking this
What is the difference between an emo kid and a gallon of milk?
The milk won't hang itself after you dump it.
Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store
he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.
so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes
the second one bursts into laughter
the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?"
\- because, he wants to buy a gallon of potatoes and he didn't bring a bottle
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
