Gained Jokes
47 gained jokes and hilarious gained puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gained that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Gained Short Jokes
Short gained jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gained humour may include short gaining jokes also.
- There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight. The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
- The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
- My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
- After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin. - My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
- I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
- Why do women gain weight after they get married? Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.
- I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain. Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
- I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
- Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground? They say they have members all around the globe now.
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Gained One Liners
Which gained one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gained? I can suggest the ones about gains and acquired.
- To the guy who stole my weight loss pills.. You'll have nothing to gain.
- Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
- What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.
- How does a farmer gain the attention of a woman? A tractor.
- Yo momma's so fat ...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.
- What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
- I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food. I've gained 10 pounds
- I have a new theory on inertia But it is not gaining any momentum.
- What happens when you lose you attention span in school You gain your detention span
- My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast. He's a little Husky.
- Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately. Goodbye, normal jeans.
- When do Asians gain the most weight? When their dog dies
- "Come forth and gain eternal life" said God Dave came fifth and won a toaster
- A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight He was trying to make a four chin
- What did the christian say to the ladies at the gym? Hallowed be thy gains
Gained Independence Jokes
Here is a list of funny gained independence jokes and even better gained independence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did Slovakia gain independence? By bouncing a czech.
Comedy Gained Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about gained you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean earned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gained pranks.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
A wife says to her husband, "Have a gained to much weight since we met?"
The husband honestly answers, "Oh, maybe just a fraction more than I'd like." The wife asks, "I thought so too. How *much* of a fraction?" The husband again answers honestly, "I'd rather not say. It would be improper."
It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion.
A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.
An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...
He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, and at the end of the day, I sold them for twenty cents. This went on for a week. Then my uncle died and left me twenty million dollars."
Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.
The movie is called: m**... Impossible.
My doctor told me I've really grown as a person!
Well, her exact words were that I "Gained Weight"
A new competition!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'"
Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...
yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner
When do you know when your girlfriend has gained weight?
When she fits into your wife's clothes.
Day 3 in the desert:
I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
a baby was fed on elephant's milk
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.
She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body t**..., it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off the sofa.
Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight
Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.
Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?
Husband: On your mouth.
Pluses in the Soviet Union
Two Ukrainians are drinking together. Between shots of v**..., they are discussing many issues. One of the men was but a very young child when the Soviet Union dissolved and Ukraine and the other former member states gained their independence. Having very little recollection of what life was like back then, he asked the older man, Tell me, my good friend, were there pluses in the Soviet Union? The older man replied, There were. They were printed on batteries.
I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...
I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds
I've got an elementary school reunion coming up that I'm dreading,
because I've gained like a hundred pounds.
Nihilistic Kindergartners
David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.
Anyone heard of the guy who gained 300 lbs just by drinking sweet tea?
I've heard he's a man-a-tea now.
After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight
I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
Scientific research recently revealed....
Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
A woman visited her parent's home.[SFW]
A woman visited her parent's home.
When she opened the refrigerator, she found a picture of supermodel in a bikini.
woman: Mom, what's this?
Mom: Oh, I put up that picture, which reminds me not to over eat.
woman: Is it working?
Mom: Yes and No. I've lost 9 kg's but your dad has gained 22 kg's..!
Found out my wife gained weight...
When she sat on my face I couldn't hear the stereo anymore...
I can't believe that the pre-gregorian calendar didn't account for the hour that we just gained
How times have changed.
Since I've gained a lot of weight, I decided to name my stomach Budapest
The capital of Hungary
I've gained a lot of weight
Since birth
Couldn't get to the gym and gained a bit of belly fat this semester...
I just had too much on my plate.
