The Best 38 Gained Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Gained jokes. There are some gained win jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these gained earn puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Gained Jokes and Puns

Found out my wife gained weight...

When she sat on my face I couldn't hear the stereo anymore...

There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

Nihilistic Kindergartners

David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.

Gained joke, Nihilistic Kindergartners

(Another screenwriting joke) Did you hear the one about the bulemic girl?

She overcame her disorder, but then lapsed into compulsive overeating. She gained 300 pounds and died of a heart attack. In the end, she was a round character.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried the Dr. Scholls footmapping machine?

She was disappointed to learn she'd gained 300 pounds.


A woman visited her parent's home.[SFW]

A woman visited her parent's home.

When she opened the refrigerator, she found a picture of supermodel in a bikini.

woman: Mom, what's this?

Mom: Oh, I put up that picture, which reminds me not to over eat.

woman: Is it working?

Mom: Yes and No. I've lost 9 kg's but your dad has gained 22 kg's..!

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

Gained joke, My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion.

A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.

Day 3 in the desert:

I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Couldn't get to the gym and gained a bit of belly fat this semester...

I just had too much on my plate.

Do you think you'll get fake teeth when you're old and gray?

Might as well. Nothing dentured, nothing gained.

You can explore gained lose reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean gained kgs dad jokes. There are also gained puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight

Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.

Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?

Husband: On your mouth.

After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight

I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.

Mr. Banks began to fill his hot air balloon for a trip across London

To his delight a few minutes later, he found that it'd gained a pound due to inflation

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

Gained joke, Scientific research recently revealed....

Your mom gained so much weight

that her tattoos redshifted.

I've got an elementary school reunion coming up that I'm dreading,

because I've gained like a hundred pounds.

Honey, do you think I gained weight?

No, I think the living room got smaller.


(Original) I recently gained the ability to turn my whole body into water...

It only works when I'm in the bath

a baby was fed on elephant's milk

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

If Chance the Rapper gained weight, what would we call him?

Chance the snacker.

Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...

yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner

Since I've gained a lot of weight, I decided to name my stomach Budapest

The capital of Hungary

Anyone heard of the guy who gained 300 lbs just by drinking sweet tea?

I've heard he's a man-a-tea now.

What if Emma Watson gained some weight?

I can't believe that the pre-gregorian calendar didn't account for the hour that we just gained

How times have changed.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off the sofa.

I've gained a lot of weight

Since birth

One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

I'd you hear about the paedophile banker?

He gained interest in children.

Women are suddenly interested in me now that I gained weight and lost my hair

If I knew so many women were into bald guys I woulda lost my hair years ago!

Aristotle has long been regarded for his philosophical mind.

But it's too bad his theory of inertia never really gained momentum.

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, and at the end of the day, I sold them for twenty cents. This went on for a week. Then my uncle died and left me twenty million dollars."

Pluses in the Soviet Union

Two Ukrainians are drinking together. Between shots of vodka, they are discussing many issues. One of the men was but a very young child when the Soviet Union dissolved and Ukraine and the other former member states gained their independence. Having very little recollection of what life was like back then, he asked the older man, Tell me, my good friend, were there pluses in the Soviet Union? The older man replied, There were. They were printed on batteries.

A new competition!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the gained belly jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working gained gaining a little weight piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes