Gain Jokes
132 gain jokes and hilarious gain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you feeling concerned about weight gain during the pandemic? Get your daily dose of laughter and a healthier mindset with these hilarious jokes about not only weight gain but also the benefits of gaining income and obtaining a new job. Read on to find out more!
Quick Jump To
- Short Gain Jokes
- Gain One Liners
- Gain Weight Jokes
- Weight Gain Jokes
- Gain Access Jokes
- Covid Weight Gain Jokes
- More Gain Jokes
Funniest Gain Short Jokes
Short gain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gain humour may include short loss jokes also.
- There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight. The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
- The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
- My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
- After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin. - My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
- I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
- Why do women gain weight after they get married? Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.
- I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain. Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.
- I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
- Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground? They say they have members all around the globe now.
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Gain One Liners
Which gain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gain? I can suggest the ones about earn and profit.
- To the guy who stole my weight loss pills.. You'll have nothing to gain.
- Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
- What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.
- How does a farmer gain the attention of a woman? A tractor.
- Yo momma's so fat ...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.
- What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain
- I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food. I've gained 10 pounds
- I have a new theory on inertia But it is not gaining any momentum.
- What happens when you lose you attention span in school You gain your detention span
- My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast. He's a little Husky.
- Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately. Goodbye, normal jeans.
- When do Asians gain the most weight? When their dog dies
- "Come forth and gain eternal life" said God Dave came fifth and won a toaster
- A man was trying to become rich by gaining weight He was trying to make a four chin
- So I bought a tavern... It was a real bar-gain.
Gain Weight Jokes
Here is a list of funny gain weight jokes and even better gain weight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her. I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"
- My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much. I'm fed up.
- My doctor told me I've really grown as a person! Well, her exact words were that I "Gained Weight"
- When do you know when your girlfriend has gained weight? When she fits into your wife's clothes.
- A microbiologist quit caring about his own health. He started gaining a lot of weight. He's a biologist now.
- My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie.... IBS.
- I hate having to gain weight to play a role... and then remembering I'm not an actor.
- A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight Needless to say we didn't work out
- Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan? Make America's Weight A Gain.
- Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal… alcohol reduces fear.
Weight Gain Jokes
Here is a list of funny weight gain jokes and even better weight gain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't understand why I'm still gaining weight... ...I've added a salad to every meal
- Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK. After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".
- My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor. I think I've got the shakes.
- If you are afraid of gaining weight then just take a shot of liquor before dinner. Alcohol can numb your sense of fear.
- After my parents got divorced my little sister gained a lot of weight I hope they don't make fun of her at school... She has enough on her plate.
- Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas.
- Today we'll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your wife or girlfriend about weight gain.
- If body builders religiously try to gain weight.. Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?
- I think my girlfriend is starting to gain weight. She's starting to fit into my wife's clothes.
- Gaining Weight? ...It's a piece of cake!
Gain Access Jokes
Here is a list of funny gain access jokes and even better gain access puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own: We're rooting for you!
- How much is EA worth in today's dollars? [Pay $102.99 to gain access]
Covid Weight Gain Jokes
Here is a list of funny covid weight gain jokes and even better covid weight gain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine? The Covid-19
Fun-Filled Gain Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about gain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gain pranks.
China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.
I think it was just panda ring.
Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?
>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>30 pounds.
This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?
----
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!
Lunch theif
At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.
My pi day joke
There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.
Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.
I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.
What does a rich fat Englishman gain?
Lots of Pounds.
I hate it when you gain 10 pounds for a role...
And then remember that you're not an actor.
Why do Texans gain so much weight?
Because they always "Remember the à la mode."
Gaining weight from drinking so much water?
Drink lighter fluid
How do you make a girl gain weight?
Marry her.
When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.
Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.
Please Jesus, I pray to you.............
I pray to you again, stop confusing what I'm asking you..... I asked to lose weight and gain money, not the other way around.
It appears that Jared Fogle has gain 30lbs since going to jail
I guess that's what happens when you stop the child portions
A low level member in a clan of cannibals gave some of his food...
...to the leader of the clan, in order to gain his favor.
It cost an arm and a leg, but it was worth it.
What's the leading cause of weight gain in women?
Marriage
My Twitter Followers are like my hair...
...Everyday I lose more than what I gain
Why do guys gain weight after marriage?
Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
We could have five more trumps running and still no one would gain.
All we'd have is six pence, and none the richer
How fast do fat people gain weight?
Two-folds the normal rate.
I'm not gaining weight.
I'm losing wavelength
Doctor: ""If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese."
"Do you understand what this means?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now."
I have a great idea for a business.
Combination nair and rogaine, I'll call it no gain.
Facebook is like an Emotion Bank
People deposit their feelings to save, but usually gain very little interest.
What's the difference between obsequious behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage and John Wayne Gacy wearing a top hat and monocle?
One is sycophancy and the other is a fancy sicko.
(As far as I'm aware this is an original joke that I created and am quite pleased with)
Have you ever heard the joke about drifting?
No, because it failed to gain traction.
i calculated my BMI recently, and i realised i need to
gain several inches
What food makes women gain weight fastest?
Wedding cake.
Why did the deaf woman gain hearing after being earfucked?
She contracted hearing AIDS.
Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?
To gain centipedal force
What do you gain after grinding for 40 hours to unlock Darth Vader in SW: BF2?
Upon gaining sentience, a donut was quoted as saying:
"There are dozens of us!"
Since I've gained a lot of weight, I decided to name my stomach Budapest
The capital of Hungary
A friend came over to mine and my girlfriend's house.
As soon as we let him in, I could see by the shock in his eyes that he'd noticed my girlfriend's tremendous weight gain. He leant in and whispered to me, "What happened to her!? She must weigh about 7 tonnes!"
I just turned to him and shook my head vigorously in defiance.
I didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room.
How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?
Through their erections.
On average women gain weight if they're married
When they're single, they come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, look at what's in the bed and then go to the fridge.
Today, the United States began to silence an influential African American icon
Never again will we hear the words of More gain, Free man
Why do some blondes dye their hair?
To gain themselves some artificial intelligence.
New routine
Recently my mate started doing his morning workout on the 5:30 service from Norwich to London liverpool Street.
I asked him why.
He said, "no train, no gain".
What is the difference between a s**... bank and a savings bank.
A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a s**... bank you make a deposit and lose interest.
If you're broke you can just go eat a lot in london. You will profit as you gain pounds.
Only works if American.
How to gain Karma
ctrl + c
ctrl + v
A blind man walks into a sculpture store.
He'd been planning a heist targetting the jewellery store beside it. Fumbling around to gain his bearings, he eventually comes into contact with a statue of a woman, to which he finally exclaims, "Well, this is a bust!"
If you p**... up your lunch...
you have a net 0, but a g**... gain.
Gaining respect through fear is the same as gaining followers on Instagram by unfollowing a bunch of people:
it just isn't real.
I've gained a lot of weight
Since birth
The most successful people are t**... victims
because no pain no gain.
An idiot goes walking through the woods...
After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.
The Lord said: "come forth and gain eternal life"
But instead he came fifth and won a toaster
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...
I will find you; you have my Word. You've taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?
How did Slovakia gain independence?
By bouncing a czech.
As the french say...
...no bread no gain.
Do you know how when you go to college you gain the freshman 20lbs?
Well, I've got the COVID 19
The COVID-19
The 19 in COVID-19 must stand for how many pounds we will gain while in quarantine. I feel bad for all the college freshmen out there.
Thanos was struggling to gain infinite wisdom
So, one day he goes to one of the strongest avengers alives, Vision, and he says,
"Hey, can I pick your brain?"
So I was asked by my friends about how to gain karma fast in reddit.
So I smiled and did this once in a year post.
What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?
This is the whey.
Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of s**... drive.
Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.
I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.
The British museum is a really cool place.
