The Best 87 Furniture Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Furniture jokes. There are some furniture ikea jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these furniture house puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Furniture Jokes and Puns

Man, I love my furniture.



Me and my recliner go way back.

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her for misbehavior?

They re-arrange the furniture around the house.

Let's hear your best Helen Keller jokes.

Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork. Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!

Furniture joke, Let's hear your best Helen Keller jokes.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?"

The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".


Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid?

rearrange the furniture

Furniture joke, I know its slightly distasteful but, what's the best way to punish a blind kid?

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store?

One nightstand.

My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses.

She's going to open a furniture store called 'Sofa King' and I'm going to open a soup restaurant next door called 'Stew Pit'.

I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture.

I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.

You can explore furniture emporium reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean furniture apartments dad jokes. There are also furniture puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl.

So I went to the furniture store and got her another one.

What's Irish and sits on your lawn?

paddy o' furniture

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

One Night Stand

This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?

That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's Furniture Emporium…

Furniture joke, Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture.

Dang girl, I want to treat you like my big toe...

...and bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.
(sorry if its been submitted before)

Are you a pinky toe?

Cause I'm gonna bang you on every piece of furniture in my house


Why do hurricanes have women name?

Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.

What did Hitler call his favorite piece of furniture?

Mein Kampfy Chair

Whats the difference between normal barbie and divorced barbie?

The divorced barbie is $399 because it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, etc.

Awful pick up line

Are you my big toe?

Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.

How are blind kids punished by their parents?

The parents move the furniture.

Woke up to discover my curtains were drawn

The rest of the furniture was real though, weird.

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,

He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 panties.
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no panties
I made $300,000.. ...

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did...

I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him..

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

Girl, imma treat you like I treat my pinky toe

I'm going to bang you on all the furniture all night long

Why do hippies shop at Ikea?

Because no trees were harmed in the making of their furniture.

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?

God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."

Assistant: "Why?"

God: "For home furniture."

Assistant: "Furniture?"

God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

Business is going well

A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and lingerie business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 panties and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no panties Ive made 500,000 dollars!'

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

These two guys started arguing in the local gay bar...

It got really nasty and the bouncer escorted them out the door to finish their dispute where they could no longer break any more bar furniture or fixtures.

The two gay dudes went out into the parking lot where they exchanged blows.

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearranged the furniture.

God making the human race

Assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmmm, add a little toe.
Assistant: Why?
God: Furniture.
Assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me, it wil be fun.

How do parents punish their blind children for bad behaviour?

They rearange the furniture.

What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch?

Paddy O' Furniture.

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

Now that Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, is dead...

... Do we have to buy our furniture from EA?

I had an uncle that died from drinking furniture polish.

it was a terrible end but a beautiful finish.

What's Irish and sits in your garden?

Paddy O' Furniture

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

I'm skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I'm sure it woodwork

Why did Ed Gein keep his house so hot?

To prevent the furniture from getting goose bumps.

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts

That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.

I applied for work at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them, "That's a job I could really see myself doing"

I wish the furniture store would stop calling me.

I just wanted the one night stand :/

[Riddle] See H side by side, you are inside. If you are in IT, you are E.

Church Furniture

This guy died after drinking a whole bottle of furniture polish,

A sad end but a beautiful finish.

(richard dawson: source)

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

Brits

They drive a German Car
They go to Irish Pubz
To drink Belgium beer
They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back
They sit on Swedish furniture
They watch American films
On a Japanese TV

Most of all though they are suspicious of all things foreign

Courtesy of Rick Wakemam who I'm doing lighting for tonight. (super chill guy btw)

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts

down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.

What piece of furniture never uses a condom?

Pull out couch

What does Stevie Wonder's wife do when they have an argument?

She rearranges the furniture

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.

At first, it sounds like a great idea.

But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.

Polish is a lot like Finnish

Theyre both used to make furniture shine

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture, but when I got home...

...the tables were turned.

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

I saw a sign outside IKEA .

It said, "Huge Furniture Sale!"

So I went inside and looked around. Unimpressed, I found a sales assistant. "Your sign outside is misleading."

"What do you mean, sir?" he asked.

"Well," I replied, "None of this furniture on sale is particularly huge."

A theological one for the computer scientists

After the animals exited the ark, the Lord came to the animals and the Lord spoke "Go forth and multiply".

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, we cannot fulfil the commandment, for we are adders"

Thus spoke the Lord "Go and cut down the trees, and out of the trees you shall fashion furniture. For adders can multiply with the aid of log tables"

A friend of mine works making furniture

He fell into the upholstery machine.Took a while to get him out, but he's all recovered now.

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said 'Mimics.'

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

The furniture store won't stop calling me...

All I wanted was one nightstand.

Failed Pick-Up Lines:

I wish you were my big toe.

Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house..

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.

My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply"

The salesman at the furniture store told me....

This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.

I said, Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?

How do parents punish their blind kid?

The rearrange the furniture in the house

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the furniture rearrange jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working furniture dresser piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes