funny Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious funny stories

What are the best Funny puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Funny? Well here is a complete list of Funny dad jokes:

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

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Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

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My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

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A horse walked into a bar



Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.





I'll show myself out

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This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."





Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.

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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's not funny

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How many germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, they're efficient and not very funny.

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". He said "Because it's MY hand".

It was so funny I gave the guy five bucks.

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Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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I love my wife

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

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Vagina jokes are not funny

Period.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

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My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.

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Since is translate your national jokes day here it goes: a romanian one.

Bula is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:

"Andrei?"

"Here."

"Anda?"

"Here."

"Bula?"

"Here."

Behind the class George starts laughing.

"What's so funny George?"

"Miss! If you change the first letter from Bula's name you get Pula (Penis). Hahaha"

Bula frowns.

The next day the same; George laughs.

The third day, after George laughs again at Bula's name:

"Gina?"

"Here."

"George?"

"Here."

Bula starts laughing uncontrollably.

The teacher, startled, asks:

"What's the matter Bula?"

"Miss, if you change a few letters from George's name you get *Fuck You George And Your Inbred Family*. Haha!"

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I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"

The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."

The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"

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In the club last night i bought this hot girl a drink.

I then watched her give that drink straight to her boyfriend. Usually that would piss me off, but it was just as funny to watch him drink that Roofie.

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How are girls and school similar?

You can only fuck around between the periods.

I don't know if you guys will find this funny, but I thought of this at lunch yesterday, may just be highschooler humour!

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Homosexual jokes are not funny

Come on guys

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John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

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When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.

The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

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Old joke, still funny

A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

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Two Jewish mothers are at lunch...

During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian."
Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi."
The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamentations replies, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us pray for guidance."
The three of them kneel in prayer, and are answered by the voice of God: "What troubles you, my children?" He says.
"Father," says the Rabbi, "Each of us sent our sons to Israel to become better Jews, and each of them has become a Christian."
To which God replies:
"Funny story..."

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10 Funny Pun Jokes

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? *He's all right now*

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. *It's impossible to put down.*

3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. *Then it hit me.*

4. I'm glad I know sign language, *it's pretty handy.*

5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, *he just didn't have the balls to do it.*

6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, *but eventually it came back to me.*

7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, *but I got over it.*

8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said *'Keep off the Grass'.*

9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? *He was lucky it was a soft drink.*
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

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2 Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To get to the idiot's house!

...

Not funny? Okay, how about this one?
Knock Knock

Who's there?

The chicken.

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A doctor is walking down the street...

...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"

The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"

The man says "Well, it's funny you ask. I was walking down the beach one day when a bottle happened to wash up on the shore. I picked it up and a genie came out in the form of a beautiful woman! She told me I could have anything in the world that I wanted. I told her that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and that my wish was that I could have sex with her. She said 'I'm sorry mortal, but that is one wish I can't grant you.'"

Confused, the Doctor asked "Well, what did you wish for?"

The man replied "I thought about it, then I said 'Well, if we can't have sex, how about a little head?"

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Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

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Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"



A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss her."


Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist.
"You start at the feet. I'll start at the head." says the first. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You ok?" he asks.
"Fine." Comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."
"You're eating too fast."

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B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer

Anyone got any more?

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I met a girl with 12 Nipples, sounds funny?

Dozen tit

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

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How Long is a Chinese name

* That's the joke.

* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.

* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a funny sense of humour

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Three drunks on the top of the Empire state building.

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!" The second drunk says, "You're crazy!" The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!"

The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top! The second drunk says, "Let me try!"

So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

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Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

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My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died...

She got eaten by a giant crab

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. Enjoy.

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pessimist vs optimist (x-post from funny)

The pessimist says, 'It can't get any worse!' And the optimist replies, 'Oh yes it can!

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Door to door salesman joke. Old but funny.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door and is greeted by a young boy. The boy is wearing lipstick, his moms dress and smoking his fathers cigarettes.
The salesman asks "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid takes a drag and replies "What the fuck do you think?"

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It would be really funny to see a woman pirate

Wooden tit?

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THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK!

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

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A Very Outdated But Still Funny Joke

A high-school teacher asks a girl in the class, "What part of the body enlarges to ten times its normal size during periods of excitement?"

The girl stammers and blushes and looks at the floor and says, "I don't want to answer that question."

So the teacher asks a boy, "Do you know the answer?"

The boys answers, "The pupil of the eye."

"That's right," says the teacher. Then he turns to the girl and says, "Two things are obvious. First, you didn't study your lesson last night. Second, you wedding night is going to be a terrible disappointment to you."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best funny jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about funny. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty funny gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these funny jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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