funny Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious funny puns

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

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If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

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My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

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A horse walked into a bar



Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

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A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

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Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.




**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**

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Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

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I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

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The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

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How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

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Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny

They have enough on their plate anyway.

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

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Boy walks in on his parents going at it...

Father turns around, smiles, and winks.

Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father.

Boy smiles, winks, and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"

The other responds, "*no.*"

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"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

One says, "Does this taste funny?".

The other says, "No".

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Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.





I'll show myself out

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday'

I'll be honest it's not the nicest postcard I've ever received

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[META] There's been an influx of anti-gay jokes recently and I just wanted to say something: jokes using gay people as the punchline are NOT funny

Come on guys

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I've been seeing some anti-gay humor on this sub lately and wanted to say something: Gay jokes ARE NOT funny.

Come on guys.

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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

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I once met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny.

Dozen tit.

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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's not funny

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". He said "Because it's MY hand".

It was so funny I gave the guy five bucks.

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Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

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When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

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I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

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With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

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What are the most funny Funny jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Funny? Well, here are the best Funny dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Funny pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes