We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
My eight year old cousin told me this one:
Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?
Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
Q. What do you call a line of Barbies?
A. A Barbecue!
A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"
Boy : You are the most funniest & most beautiful girl I've ever met.
Girl : You just want to screw me , Don't you ?
Boy : Wow ! and smart too ... !
raPUNzel
*sits there laughing to self*
...so lonely..
I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.
He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."
She says "Force it!"
He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".
Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high five.
All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went first and told the funniest joke he knew and everyone laughed... Except the tortoise. So the lion ate him. The gazelle was next and nervously told her funniest joke. Again everyone laughed but the tortoise so the lion ate the gazelle. After a few more times of this happening it seemed the tortoise didn't find any of the jokes funny. It was the rabbits turn and he told the funniest joke any of the animals had ever heard, but the tortoise would still not laugh. The lion was starting to get a little annoyed that the tortoise wasn't laughing. Finally it was board turn and he told a mediocre joke and only got a few laughs. However, the tortoise started laughing hysterically. The lion, confused, asked the tortoise how he found the boar's joke funny but not the other ones. The tortoise said "No...I just got the monkey's joke."
Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most nasty joke involving a Disney character.
The stand-up chameleon.
I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
... A FSHHH
A Yama-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.... :)
^^^I'll ^^^show ^^^myself ^^^out...
The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.
The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject.
The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:
*Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"*
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said:
"Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Because they have big fingers!
Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)
A colleague approaches him and asks him why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well go ahead and tell me," says the second judge. "I can't - I just gave someone ten years for it!"
What do you call a electrician who tries to be a carpenter?
A lousy carpenter
What do yoy call a carpenter who tries to be an electrican?
A dead carpenter
What do you call a electrician with a hammer?
Thief
The Bahahahamas.
He tells everyone he is there to shoot the man who slept with his wife.
A person from the back of the bar yells "you don't have enough bullets."
Note: I heard this joke a few years ago and it's still the funniest I've ever heard.
There was a lion in the jungle who was getting very bored and very evil. So because he was the king he started a contest with his old friend turle. The contest stated- whoever makes turtle laugh first does not have to suffer death. So he had all his subjects line up in front of turtle. The first in line was zebra, he told the funniest joke the kingdom had hearf in centuries, even lion laughed a little. But turtle stared him in the eye mercilessly and without emotion. The lion looked at zebra and said sorry, rules are rules so he killed him and fed zebra to the hyenas. Then giraffe came and told an equally funny joke to which turtle didnt respond. So he died a terrible death as well. This went on for weeks and weeks and turtle would not laugh. When finally the only animals left were the lion, the turtle, and the hyenas. So lion told the hyenas, bring me your best jokester and we will finish this contest. So the hyenas brought their best comic and he told his joke. The turtles eyes widened he looked at lion and said ha...haha....hahahahahahahahaha! I just got the zebras joke.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson: " Well if there are millions of stars and even few of those contain planets, it's quite likely there are many planets like Earth out there, it's even possible that there is other forms of life out there"
Holmes replied: " Watson, you Idiot, it means someone stole our tent!"
After all feminism is one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard of
*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*
*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.
*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*
Not short as in small, short as in short
The young boy asks his father, "Dad, Dave's Father always makes the funniest jokes.. How come you don't do that?"
The father replies to the son, "What are you talking about, Jim? I Made you?"
The boy runs off home where he then runs into his mother's arms and bursts into tears.
"What's wrong, honey?" The mother asks her beloved little boy.
"I asked dad why he never makes funny jokes like Dave's dad." He said. "And he told me that I was wrong because he made me."
She began to comfort him "Oh honey, that man is just cranky because he didn't get the raise he wanted."
"And for the record, you were right.. Dave's Dad *does* make the best jokes..."
i propose we see who can come up with the best joke. we submit a part, someone else adds to it. maybe 3 parts? maybe not? let's see who can come up with the funniest crowd sourced joke.
A hot rod.
NOTE: When I was about 5, I thought this was the funniest joke on earth.
Patient: Doctor, last night, I made Freudian slip. I was sitting at the dinner table next to my mother-in-law. I turned to her and I meant to say,"Please pass the salt", but instead I said "You fat cow, you've ruined my life".
You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...
The HUMOURUS!
Lewis and Clark were so starved on their exploration, Sacajawea had a hard time understanding why they didn't eat Seaman.
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
We could call it the LOLympics.
Are you a bank loan? Because you've got my interest
A Soviet judge exits a courthouse after a trial. He is laughing hysterically as a friend greets him.
The friend asks, "Why are you laughing?"
The judge answers, "I think I just heard the funniest joke I've ever heard."
The friend says, "Come on, tell it to me."
The judge says, "I can't. I just sent someone to the Gulag for it!!"
It would be the humerus but something in the lungs is cilia
Comment the stupidest, funniest joke you know!
After the 2000 Presidential elections with the multiple vote recounts in Florida, she came home and told us the funniest joke she had just heard:
Have you seen the new Texas quarter?
You count it five times!
Like "See you soon, dad."
I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?
It's near-humerus.
Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
A Punzi scheme.
No clue. But I'll give you $20 if you laugh.
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Because he has the best punchlines.
For my research and speech class I have to tell a joke but it has to be clean. Nothing dirty, racist, sexist etc. It has to be appropriate. So what's the funniest clean joke you know?
Elliot Rotflgers.
I knew this chick was nuts
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Funniest? Well, here are the best Funniest puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Funniest pick up lines to share with friends.