Funnier Jokes

You know what's funnier than 24?

Twenny fiiiiiiivvvveee

So one time this chick is going down on me,

and I give her the "courtesy tap" because I'm about to blow. She just keeps on going and I'm like, "I hit the jackpot here!" So I finish, and she leans back and picks up a glass off the coffee table and spits in it.

I was like, "Wow, that was *hot*.

She says, "Well, I don't s**...."

I say, "Well, that'd be weird if you told me you were waitin' for it to cool off.."

Stole it from somebody way funnier than me.

[True Story] When I worked at a Residential Treatment Center for Children a boy once said to me...

"I have to f**...-en pee!"

I said, "Well, pick one and do it!"


^that ^was ^funnier ^to ^me ^when ^it ^happened

The French are such nice people. (would have been funnier a few decades ago)

Do you know why all of the streets in France are lined with trees?

The Germans like marching in the shade.

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.

I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
p**... dropper for sure.

They say there's nothing a woman finds sexier than a man who makes her laugh...

They say there's nothing a woman finds sexier than a man who makes her laugh...

...it's just a shame that there's nothing a woman finds funnier than a million dollars in the bank.

Two and a half men would be way funnier with an all black cast

But then it would have to be called one and 3/5ths men

Fact: Fat people falling down is always funnier than a skinny person falling down.

What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?

The amount of lead put into black people.

(It was funnier over the radio)

The state of New Mexico..

When they named the state of New Mexico were they degrading the state or honoring Mexico?

it seemed funnier when I first said it. is this how it always happens?

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz

(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever.

Not.

Do you know whats funnier than 24?

25.

What types of jokes are funnier than jokes with substance?

Jokes with substance a**...!

How fast can Klingon's run?

About Warf speed.

My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.

What's the funniest part of a boxing joke?

You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

I thought of something funnier than 24

25

a joke my teacher made in class

teacher:"(generic kid name) this is the forth time i have warned you!"

kid:"did you count how many times you warned me?"

teacher:"no, i just pick a random number and it sounds logical"

this was funnier in class and in Hebrew, i don't expect it to do good here.

Whats funnier than Amy Schumer?

The Holocaust

It was funnier in my sleep...

I told my dog a joke while throwing a ball. He didn't get it.

As soon as I find a girl that is wealthier, prettier, smarter, funnier, better connected, into physical deformities, and more than willing to take care of a grown adult.

I'll move out of my moms

Alcohol and life

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

What's worse than getting a piece of glass stuck in your foot?

Getting a piece of glass OUT of your foot.

This joke would be funnier if I didn't have a piece of glass stuck in my foot right now.

"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans

Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have t**... on premarital s**...

The Little Horse: An Inspirational Children's Story

[Parents, read this to your kids. I expect to see results. The last part is funnier with a long pause and not adding anything onto it, including context. I have no idea where I heard this one, but let me just say that while the concept is not mine, I did a whole lot of tweaking. Just a warning, it's super long, but it is meant to keep your interest as long as possible, so it's almost a legit story.]

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had s**... all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.

Nothing is funnier than watching newscasters try to avoid saying sh*t hole

By saying as*hole

I'm not super hungry, does anyone want to split this??

Is a funnier thing to say when handed a baby.

Have you heard of that new band 1023 Megabytes ?

They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.

Edit !: just woke up and i feel like the comments are funnier than my joke :(

Everything get's funnier when you're sleep deprived.

The laughing creeps out the kidnappers though.

After his birthday party, a little boy goes to his mother

Son: Mom, you need to act funnier, especially in front of
my friends. You never make jokes!

Mother: I made you

How do you keep an idiot occupied without Net Neutrality laws?

Please insert credit card information for punchline. If you would like a funnier punchline, choose our premium package for only twice the price!

What kind of food loves to get n**...?

A n00dle.

P.S : probably funnier to Asians like me.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

What's funnier than twenty-four?

Twenty-five.

I'm not as good as I once was

But I am good once as I ever was

Much funnier if you're 35+, kids

Humour's all about expectations for me.

There's nothing funnier than a well mannered person defying expectations with a good 'fuck'.

Scarier than funnier, but a good laugh never hurts.

-Did you hear they opened up a George Orwell memorial in the states?

-Oh really!? Where?

-Well...pretty much everywhere.

My wife walked in to the room, I snuck up behind her and yelled Boo!

She Shrieked, cried hysterically peed herself and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

A blonde and two brunettes had to climb 100 stairs without laughing

On each stair they were told a joke, and they got funnier every stair higher.

The first brunette only made it to the first stair.

The second brunette made it to the fifth stair before she laughed.

The blonde slowly made her way up all the stairs, until finally she was at the 99th stair, where she let out a chuckle.

The brunettes, in awe of how well she did, asked her why she laughed.

She replied I finally got the first joke

Why are people on higher floors funnier?

They have a type of elevated humor

I have two optometry jokes

but I am not sure which one is funnier

one or two

one or two

one or two

My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I'm mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, hey are you alright? What's with all the coughing? Do you need your inhaler?

The coughing guy goes it's miasma....

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands

Soldier: hey sailor, in boot camp they taught us we need to wash our hands when we get done in the bathroom

Sailor: in boot camp they taught us not to pee on ourselves

The Library

This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.

Here it goes:

A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams MA'AM I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER A LARGE FRY AND A LARGE MILKSHAKE PLEASE!!!

The librarian shushes him and sternly says in a whisper, Sir! This is a library!

The man immediately apologizes and whispers,

So sorry, I'll have a cheeseburger a large fry and a large milkshake please

Canoeing

Bob: You get a great deal of amusement out of your new canoe, I suppose?
Joe: Well, my wife does.
Bob: But she never rides in it!
Joe: No. She says it's safer and funnier to watch me from the shore.

Source: 1913 Newspaper