Funerals Jokes
75 funerals jokes and hilarious funerals puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about funerals that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Funerals Short Jokes
Short funerals jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The funerals humour may include short funeral home jokes also.
- I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.
- I hate it when my aunts and grannies come up to me at weddings and say "You're next." So now I just do the same to them at funerals.
- Valentines Day is on Monday Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
- Why did the accordion player bring their instrument to the funeral? To give the deceased one last squeeze.
- I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child. Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don't come cheap.
- Why do accordion teachers love to play at funerals? It’s the only time everyone’s happy to hear them play.
- I always hated weddings... I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
- It is always difficult for me to attend funerals I suffer from a condition called mourning wood.
- Dark humor! My older relatives at wedding always used to say "you'll be next!" Although they stopped after I started saying to them at funerals.
- Whenever I go to funerals, I always say "plethora". People tell me it means a lot to them.
Share These Funerals Jokes With Friends
Funerals One Liners
Which funerals one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with funerals? I can suggest the ones about funeral procession and mortuary.
- I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.
- Funerals are like family reunions minus one
- What do Mexicans play at their funerals? Another Juan Bites The Dust
- I don't like to go to funerals I'm just not a mourning person.
- Why don't night owls ever cry at funerals? They just aren't mourning people
- Why aren't there ever funerals at night? Everyone is still in morning.
- Why do funerals always happen before noon? It's the perfect time in the mourning
- When should funerals occur? Mourning
- I never attend the funerals of my friends... Because they won't be there at mine
- Is necrophilia a funereal disease? I'm dying to know.
- "Better late than never" works with any situation Though not as much with funerals
- My Russian doll passed away. I'm not looking forward to the funerals.
- Why don't poor people go to funerals? They can't afford to pay respects.
- If you think politicians are the best at 'spin'... you should listen more at funerals.
- What's the top Journey song at Japanese funerals? Don't Stop Bereaving
Attend Funerals Jokes
Here is a list of funny attend funerals jokes and even better attend funerals puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Single, attending ex's wedding, person next to me asks, 'wouldn't weddings make you wanna get married?' 'Wouldn't funerals make you wanna get dead?' I answered.
- Always attend peoples funerals... Or they might pay you back by not attending yours.
Amusing Funerals Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about funerals you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cemetery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make funerals pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For anyone attending Stan Lee's f**......
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the world Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got caught having s**... in a church.
Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her f**... was over.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
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fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
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The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
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Why did the elk cry at the f**...?
He had lost a deer friend
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"The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director.
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
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f**...
Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.
It's a shame she never learned how to swim.
We brought a life preserver to her f**....
It's what she would have wanted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
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Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your f**...."
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Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."
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The guy who invented t**... lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the f**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...
f**... services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My friend drowned. So at his f**......
...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's f**...
Because that person is still alive?
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Making the arrangements for my wife's f**... is tough
She keeps asking what I'm doing
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I was at a f**... & asked the priest for the wifi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
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Two spiders are at another spiders f**....
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.
I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me to sing at his f**....
He wants people to know there's something worse then death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The f**... planner died.
They weren't quite sure what to do with him.
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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.
His f**... has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KÖFFIN product
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Mother-in-law
Oh, I didn't expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn't it your mother-in-law's f**... today?
Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A woman who was married six times had just died.
During the f**... service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"
The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"
"None of them. I was talking about her legs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My friend Dave drowned.
At his f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).
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What's something you can say during s**... or at a f**...?
I'm sorry. Were you close?
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Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing
unless you're at a f**...
[Demetri martin]
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An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man walks up to the Widow at a f**... and asks if he can say a word.
"Of course", she replies.
The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".
The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,
"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
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*At my boss's f**..., kneeling and whispering at coffin*
"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a difference between I'm sorry and I apologise...
Don't believe me?
Try saying I apologise at a f**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why did Draco Malfoy's f**... service take place outside?
Because he hated grief indoors.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I'm about to go to a f**... for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.
Remains to be seen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A f**... service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meatloaf passed on today.
His f**... is set at 350 for about an hour.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the f**...
A man walks up and asks the woman may I say a word the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says you may the man looks down at the grave and says abundant the woman smiles at him and says thanks, that means a lot
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm opening a f**... parlor for people of no specific faith
I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What will be heard the most at j**... Spinger's f**...?
Bury! Bury! Bury!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old f**... coach with all of the badges removed.
I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.
