Funeral Procession Jokes
43 funeral procession jokes and hilarious funeral procession puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about funeral procession that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Cheeky Funeral Procession Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What is a good funeral procession joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
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Guy walks into a f**... home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
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Frank and Harry are at their golf club...
As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man paired up with an older gentleman at the local golf course...
Over the course of the round the older gentleman and younger gentleman traded stories of past rounds, good shots and poor shots, and overall had a grand old time. While the Old man prepared his drive on the 14th tee box, he witnessed a f**... procession going past the golf course. Very quietly he stopped, hung his head and said a quiet prayer. The Young Man stood astonished at what he witnessed and asked the Old Man "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed, may I ask why you did what you did?"
To which the Old Man responded, "Well we were married for 40 years"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got this in an email: The ITALIAN f**......
The ITALIAN f**......
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked
and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in
the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, Steve is out playing golf with his three buddies on a beautiful Sunday afternoon...
On the 18th green, Steve is about to make his final put before they all go in and have some beers. Just before he hits the ball, however, the golfers see a f**... procession in the cemetery across the street. Steve stops what he's doing and takes his hat off, waiting for the procession to pass. His buddies, thoroughly impressed, say, "Steve, that was really cool, man. You showed a lot of respect, just now."
To which Steve says, "Well, I should. We were married for 30 years, after all."
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A man sees a f**... procession...
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Playing golf, when a f**... procession goes by
A couple of guys are out playing golf one fine day. o**... is about to take a swing, when a f**... procession turns onto the street next to the golf course. The guy stops in the middle of his swing, takes off his hat, and bows his head until the procession is out of sight.
"Wow!" says the second guy. "That was one of the most touching things I've ever seen. I can't believe you'd stop in midswing like that, just for a f**... procession."
"Well," says the first guy. "We were married for 35 years; it's the least I could do."
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f**... procession
Disclaimer: Not my own... I apologize if it's been posted here before.
While going for his morning coffee one day, George notices two hearses driving down the road, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind the man walking a dog is the rest of the procession, a few hundred men following closely... all walking down the street.
A bit sheepishly, the man approaches the dog walker and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you explain what's going on here?"
The dog walker replies, "Well, my deceased wife is in the first hearse. My dog jumped up and bit her in the t**..., killing her."
"I'm so sorry to hear that... But, who's in the second hearse?"
"Well, when Rusty here killed my wife, my mother in-law jumped up and started yelling... and well, Rusty killed her, too."
"Gosh, that's horrible," George said. "But... um, do you think I can borrow ol' Rusty for a day or so?"
"Sure," the man replies, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, "Get in line!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old men playing golf
Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a f**... procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his ball, removes his cap, and bows his head in silence as the procession passes by.
The other old man is amazed at his friend's reverence for the deceased. "That was truly one of the most touching and thoughtful acts I've ever seen from you." he says.
"Well I figure it's the least I could do. After all, we *were* married for 42 years"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....
They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a f**... procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."
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Oldie but a Goodie
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and f**... procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**... Dog
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Good Natured Hunter
Two old fellows are out hunting. The one with the gun sees a buck, broadside, and glistening in the sunlight. Just as he is about to take the shot they see a f**... procession going along a road in the distance. The fellow lowers his gun and tips his hat at the procession - and the deer runs off into the woods. The other fellow says, "Wow, I didn't know you had such compassion for the dead." The old fellow responds, "Well, I just thought that it was the right thing to do - after all, if she'd made another week, we'd have been married for 40 years."
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The golfing f**...
Larry's wife dies during the week and above his buddies objections he decides to play in his regular Saturday golf game. He says he ought to get out for a bit, golfing is good therapy. As they are set to tee off on 16, which runs along a busy road, a f**... procession passes by. Larry takes off his hat and stands at attention as the f**... procession passes. "Larry, what are you doing?" Larry responds, "We were married for 26 years--at least I ought to show a little respect for the woman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
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A f**... procession crawls through the centre of town
At the front is the hearse carrying the coffin. Behind this is a man with a big grin on his face and holding a leash which is attached to a big scary looking dog. Behind him are hundreds of mourners, except they're all men.
An onlooker approaches the man with the dog and asks, "excuse me, who is in the hearse?"
"My mother in law" the man chuckles.
"Oh really? Well, that explains the grin. But what's with the dog?"
"Oh, the dog killed her."
"The dog killed her?"
"Yes. I've trained the dog to kill mother-in-laws. It's awesome."
"Wow."
"I know right."
"So... um..."
"Mhm?"
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Sure," the man says, "but" he jerks a thumb at the procession behind, "you'll have to join the queue."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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It's Only A Game?
At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a f**... procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
"That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his f**... says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one compassionate guy."
"Thank you," replies Bernie. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is walking along when he sees a f**... procession going by
A man is walking along when he sees a f**... procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is the f**... for?"
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the f**... is for the mother-in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her."
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
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The f**...
A f**... procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
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Funeral Procession One Liners
Which funeral procession one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with funeral procession? I can suggest the ones about procession and funeral home.
- What do you call a f**... procession for a journalist? A dead line.
- I recently got hit by a car in a f**... procession... It still hearse!