The Best 69 Funeral Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Funeral jokes. There are some funeral mortician jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these funeral eulogy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Funeral Jokes and Puns
For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
I just got caught having sex in a church.
Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her funeral was over.
A Very Nice Golfer
There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.
The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."
fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a funeral procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral?
Mourning wood
Why did the elk cry at the funeral?
He had lost a deer friend
A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...
During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."
You can explore funeral cremate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean funeral doctor funeral dad jokes. There are also funeral puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.
"And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
The Super Bowl
Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."
During a funeral...
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral
My friend Dave drowned yesterday
his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.
I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM.
I'm not a mourning person.
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...
It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...
I got caught sniffing underwear...
I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day,
What made it worse was she was still wearing them,
Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...
Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45
Dave drowned
So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
(Gary Delaney)
Funerals are like family reunions
minus one
My friend drowned. So at his funeral...
...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.
What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?
They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.
Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral
Because that person is still alive?
Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough
She keeps asking what I'm doing
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Two spiders are at another spiders funeral.
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday.....
They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the funeral."
My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
One fewer drunk person.
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral
She'd be spinning in her ditch
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
You know what they say, where there's a will...
there's a funeral.
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
At a funeral
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.
Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the funeral."
Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing ...
Unless you're at a funeral.
My friend told me to sing at his funeral.
He wants people to know there's something worse then death.
The funeral planner died.
They weren't quite sure what to do with him.
Mother-in-law
Oh, I didn't expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn't it your mother-in-law's funeral today?
Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
A woman who was married six times had just died.
During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"
The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"
"None of them. I was talking about her legs."
My friend Dave drowned.
At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...
a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing
unless you're at a funeral
[Demetri martin]
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.
"Of course", she replies.
The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".
The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,
"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".
A man walks into a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word.
The widow, sobbing in grief, agrees.
The man says "Plethora"
The Widow says "Thanks, that means a lot"
"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs!
That's the last thing I need!
Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub
They were all drinking and laughing, but when a funeral procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.
I never knew you had so much respect for the dead? one of his friends commented as he sat back down.
Usually I don't, but after all, we were married for 30 years.
Two guys are playing golf.
They're near a road.
One of the guys put a tee in the ground put his golfbal on it and takes his club.
He looks at his ball, begins to lift his club to make a swing when a funeral procession passes on the road.
The guy immediately stops what he's doing and takes a minute of silence untill the funeral procession has gone.
The other one is impressed and says to the guy:
"Damn that's some mark of respect you just showed there".
And the guy replies.
"That's normal. we were maried for 10 years after all."
Sorry for my english
A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted smoking or nonsmoking.
He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is cremation or burial.
Ted had been on his phone constantly at every funeral he had been to.
It was quite disrespectful of him. So at this most recent one, I told him: I think you're addicted.
My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together
We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.
It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.
Do you know why you should be wearing white on a funeral?
\#ffffff
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the funeral mortuary jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working funeral bereave piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.