The Best 35 Funeral Homes Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Funeral Homes jokes. There are some funeral homes jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these funeral homes puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Funeral Homes Jokes and Puns

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."


Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.

Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.

Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.

Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

I want to make a funeral home in the forest

I'll call it "Mourning Wood"

2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend

2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's funeral. One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.

"So... How'd it happen?"

To which the other responds.

"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a horse.' But on the way home he broke a leg."

What do you call two funeral homes right next to each other?

Stiff competition.

You can explore funeral homes reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean funeral homes dad jokes. There are also funeral homes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I've always wanted to own a funeral home....

With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."

I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week......!

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I've taken up his mantel.

A man walks into a funeral home...

He asks the mortician if he's had much business lately.
"Not really..." the mortician says, "It's been pretty dead around here".

Funeral homes are a great place to hit on women.

No matter how many times you punch them, they will never complain about it.

Or: They might give you the cold shoulder at first, but if you keep at it, they'll eventually warm up to you.

Or: Because of recent trauma in their lives, they are very receptive to having sex.

I'm anti vaxx

I own a funeral home so it's good for business

So

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, How old was your husband? Ninety-eight, she replied. Two years older than I am.

So you're ninety-six, the undertaker said.

She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?

This bar that was near my house turned into a funeral home awhile back.

The place isn't as alive as it used to be, but they've still got some cold ones in the freezer.


One guy working at our local funeral home is supposed to be a necrophiliac.

He's responsible for the creamations.

One great perk about working at a funeral home...

I always get to bring flowers home to my wife!

(Yes, I actually work at a mortuary. No, I don't do this)

What do funeral home staff do if they mess up transporting a body?

They go back and re-herse.

What do funeral home workers and football defenders have in common?

They get yelled at if they let the wrong guy inside the box.

(OC)

I got fired because answering the phone 'good morning' in the afternoon is wrong.

I already miss working at that funeral home.

So this guy finishes reading a self-empowering book..

And then goes to his wife to put the knowledge to the test. so he tells her :"Wife, tomorrow morning i expect breakfast in bed, followed by some good love-making and then a warm bath...and after all this, who do you think also gets to do my hair and dress me ?" the wife looks at him, smiles, and says :"The guys at the funeral home, honey"

I think I upset a girl with a pickup line yesterday

She was looking at her father when I walked up to her and said hey babes why don't we turn this funeral home into a cream-atorium

You know that new funeral home?

People are dying to get in there.

I had to go to the funeral home at 8am the other day

...the place was totally dead!

A father comes home from WW2

His wife breaks the sad news in tears: "Our son is dead". At the funeral the fathers last words to his son are: "Hi dead I'm dad"

Why are there no funeral homes on the river?

Because it is a no wake zone.

So much traffic around the funeral home...

I guess it's not a dying business.

What do you call a bricklayer at a funeral home?

A mortician.

Being PC

In a bid to be more politically correct a funeral home has announced plans to use new funeral cars.

They have set plans to introduce the new line as his and hearse funeral cars.

Funeral homes have the best services in town..

Everyone is dying to get them

Funeral homes are considering using glass coffins.

Remains to be seen.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the funeral homes jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working funeral homes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes