Funeral Home Jokes
80 funeral home jokes and hilarious funeral home puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about funeral home that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Unearthly Funniest Funeral Home Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What is a good funeral home joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a f**... home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a man from Alabama . . .
He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated h**... type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .
Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?
One day, very tragically, Catfish Jeb's wife and sister died. A terrible hunting accident where he was mistaken and thought he was shooting at a deer. Beyond distraught, Catfish Jeb hurried home to his cabin and called up his church's preacher, Bill.
Bill answered his phone right away, greeting happily in that churchy way. Despite the cheeriness, Catfish Jeb was in tears as he told the preacher what happened. "Ma wife and sis'ta are ded, Billy," he blubbered.
Bill was a little miffed; he hated being called Billy. But with the light of God always shining down upon him, he forgave Catfish Jeb the instant the misname left his lips. "I am terrible sorry to hear that, Jeb," the preacher consoled.
On the phone, Bill and Catfish Jeb arranged a f**... for the bumpkin's wife and sister to be held at the church. It was to take place that Sunday, right before the bake sale. They planned the flowers, the music. Bill agreed to have someone make pamphlets on the grieving r**...'s behalf.
"One last thing, Joe," Bill said, pen poised in hand.
Catfish Jeb wiped at his eyes. "Yessa, preacher-man sir?" he simpered.
The preacher man pursed his lips. "Will you be needing one coffin, of two?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a f**... home...
He asks the mortician if he's had much business lately.
"Not really..." the mortician says, "It's been pretty dead around here".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend
2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's f**.... One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.
"So... How'd it happen?"
To which the other responds.
"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a horse.' But on the way home he broke a leg."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this guy finishes reading a self-empowering book..
And then goes to his wife to put the knowledge to the test. so he tells her :"Wife, tomorrow morning i expect breakfast in bed, followed by some good love-making and then a warm bath...and after all this, who do you think also gets to do my hair and dress me ?" the wife looks at him, smiles, and says :"The guys at the f**... home, honey"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do f**... home staff do if they mess up transporting a body?
They go back and re-herse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A guy scores a ticket for a Green Bay Packers home game....
Finds his seat about 20 rows up on the 50 yard line behind the Packers bench. As the stadium begins to fill up a nice looking middle aged woman comes and sits in a seat just in front of him. The game starts and he can't help but notice that the seat beside this woman remains vacant. At half time the seat is still vacant so he asks the woman about it. She tells him: "My husband and I have had season tickets for these seats for many years. my husband has recently passed away and I don't see any sense in letting them both be vacant." The man replies: "Well, couldn't you find a friend or family member to use the other ticket?" And she says: "Well, no. They're all at the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with a terminal illness has gone home to die.
he is laying in his bed and after making his peace with God and man he is ready to send his soul to the hereafter. As he is drawing what will be his last breath he catches a whiff of his favorite smell in all the world...fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. So summoning a super human strength he rolls out of bed onto the floor, crawls to the top of the stairs, then head over heels he tumbles all the way downstairs. On his belly he drags himself into the kitchen. As he is laying there on the tile he can just see the edge of the cookies hanging over the counter. He reaches a weak hand up and then *KERRRWACK* right on his hand. He looks up and his wife is standing there holding a spatula. She says "STOP IT!!! Those are for the f**...".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The s**... Shop Fatality.
A man walks into a s**... shop to purchase some see-through l**... for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the l**... home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling n**..., return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears n**... at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His f**... is on Thursday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A special gift
Bill is sitting at home on his computer when his wife Cindy comes downstairs. She starts telling him about her day and after awhile she realizes he is not listening at all. Fed up with all his inattentiveness she tells him, "when I wake up tomorrow I expect to see something sitting in the driveway that goes from zero to two hundred in less than five seconds."
The next morning Cindy wakes up and looks outside to find a scale sitting in front of the garage.
f**... services will be held this afternoon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some of my favorite SFW jokes
Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of p**.... Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The farmer's wife went into a coma...
... at home, and he summoned the doctor.
"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the f**... home for you."
The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer suddenly lurched to avoid a holly bush, lost his balance, and dropped his end of the stretcher. The jolt brought the woman back to consciousness. In a week, she'd made a full recovery and was back at the farm.
Several years later she went into a coma again. This time the doctor sadly assured her husband she was unquestionably dead.
The undertakers were summoned. As the stretcher bearers inched down the steps and headed for the driveway with the corpse, the farmer cautioned, "Watch out for that holly bush."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at home, laying on his death bed...
...he knows he doesn't have much time left. His wife is in the kitchen, his daughter at his bedside. His wife is baking, and with what little senses he has left, he can smell she's making apple pie. He asks his daughter, "Do you think you can do me one last favor?"
"Anything," she responds.
"Do you think you could see if your mother could give me a slice of her apple pie?" he asks.
She says she'll see what she can do, and walks out. She comes in not two minutes later and says, "sorry, the apple pie is for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's estranged father passed away suddenly...
and he was unable attend the f**.... But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the f**... home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all the best and be buried in a beautiful casket and in a lovely cemetery at the top of a hill.
Well, the next month, he gets a bill for a considerable some, which seemed fair, so he paid it. But then the next month he got another bill. He decided, sure there was probably some residual balance, so he paid it as well.
The following month he got yet another bill from the f**... home, which seemed odd. So he called them to ask about it. "Didn't you say you wanted your father to have all the best when he was buried?"
"I did."
"Well we rented him a tux."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A joke fit for Viking Fest
Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa. Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor. Sniffing the air and muttering, "Lefsa," he crawled to the stairs and half climbed, half fell downstairs. "Oh, Lefsa..." He crawled to the kitchen door. There, he saw Lena standing at the stove cooking Lefsa, with a stack of finished ones on the table. He crawled to the table and painfully pulled himself up on a chair murmuring "Lefsa." He was reaching out for one when Lena turned and saw him. She smacked his hand with the spatula and said, "Now, Ole, stop that! Those are for after the f**...."
Hawaiian joke I love, closest thing i've heard on the mainland features "a brunette, a redhead, and a blond" instead
A Hawaiian, a Japanese, and a Portagee guy are taking a break from construction on the bridge they're building. They sit down to take out their lunches they brought from home.
Hawaiian: If it's tuna salad again, I'm jumping off this bridge!
Japanese: If *I* gotta eat tuna salad one more time, I'm jumping off too.
Portagee: If I have tuna salad again, I'm gonna jump off too. I've had it.
They open their lunches and discover they all have tuna salad. They jump off the bridge.
At their funerals, their wives are weeping to themselves.
Hawaiian man's wife: If only I had known he hated tuna salad! I never woulda made again!
Japanese man's wife: I wish he had told me he didn't like his lunch! I would have made something different!
Portagee man's wife shrugs and says, "Eh, he made his own lunch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Japanese f**... home have to turn away new business?
They ran out of san storage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man and his wife are on vacation in Israel . . .
when the wife suddenly falls ill and dies. The f**... director said to the man, "You can have your wife buried here in the Holy Land and it will cost you only $1000 or you can have her flown back the United States and buried there but it will cost at least $15000." The man said, "Ill have her flown home." the f**... then responds, "But sir she is her IN the Holy Land and it will cost you so much less. I have to know why you want to go through all of that just to have her buried!" The man stood up and said, "Oh no you don't, I know exactly what happened the last time you guys try to bury someone here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Email to Wife
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Saw an interview in the paper yesterday
This women had just turned 85 years old and my local paper had an interview with her, and they learned she was married four times. So the interviewer says, "Would you mind saying telling us about your husbands?" and she smiles and says, "Sure. When I was in my twenties, I married a banker. It was great and we had lots of money, but I decided I wanted something more, so in my fourties I married a circus ring leader,and that was amazing and fun. But I soon got bored of that so I married a church celergy man. After him I married a f**... home director." The interviewer of course was amazed by this and said, "Wow, those men sure had interesting jobs, what made you want to marry such interesting people?" Again she laughs, and smiles, "You know, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go"
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Funeral Home One Liners
Which funeral home one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with funeral home? I can suggest the ones about mortuary and funeral director.
- I want to make a f**... home in the forest I'll call it "Mourning Wood"
- What do you call two f**... homes right next to each other? Stiff competition.
- How did the f**... home make so much money? They had the market coronered
- I'm a f**... home director People are always dying to get my attention
- I'm anti vaxx I own a f**... home so it's good for business
- You know that new f**... home? People are dying to get in there.
- I had to go to the f**... home at 8am the other day ...the place was totally dead!
- Why are there no f**... homes on the river? Because it is a no wake zone.
- So much traffic around the f**... home... I guess it's not a dying business.
- What do you call a bricklayer at a f**... home? A mortician.
- f**... homes have the best services in town.. Everyone is dying to get them
- What would you name a coffee shop in a f**... home? Grim Horton's
- f**... homes are a never ending business People are just dying to get in the door
- There should be bongs and blunts at viewings in f**... homes... A true wake and bake.
