Funeral Director Jokes

64 funeral director jokes and hilarious funeral director puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about funeral director that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Funeral Director Jokes
Funeral Director One Liners
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Funniest Funeral Director Short Jokes

Short funeral director jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The funeral director humour may include short funeral home jokes also.

"The total cost would be £3000," said the f**... director. "And that includes digging the grave."
"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.
He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."
f**... director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage." Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."
I can't understand how f**... directors have raised the price of funerals.... By blaming it on the cost of living!
"Will it cost extra to bury my wife?" I said to the f**... director, "Will it cost extra to bury my wife?"
He asked, "Why, is she a big woman?"
"No, still alive."
What is the busiest industry in the World? f**... Directors.
And they say it's a dying trade?
Jesus the Mexican stuntman. Jesus was a Mexican stuntman who died while making a film. At his f**..., his mother said to the director, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Why do f**... directors hold most services before 12 pm? Because they're mourning people.
A necromancer and a f**... director are at marriage counselling. Counsellor: So, why are you guys here today?
f**... Director: He only wants me for my bodies!
I told the f**... director I'm not sure if I'll make it to the wake on time Remains to be seen.
What did the f**... director say To the labourer after he dug the hole in the wrong spot?
"You've made a grave mistake"

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Funeral Director One Liners

Which funeral director one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with funeral director? I can suggest the ones about doctor funeral and funerals.

f**... director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife? Schroedinger: Yep.
I'm a f**... home director People are always dying to get my attention
What did the f**... director do with Alan Turing's dead body? He encrypted it
Why did the f**... director cover his mouth? he kept coffin
A f**... Director isn't the best position in this economy... It's a dying trade
What did Crazy Eddie's widow say to the f**... director? These prices are insaaaane
A f**... director walks into a bar The bartender asks, "Can I get you a bier?"
How the accountants cheer up their parties? They invite a f**... director
What does the f**... director say to the 11am service goers? Mournin'

Funeral Director Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about funeral director you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean coroner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make funeral director pranks.

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a f**... director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

Apparently I'm still lost....

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....

Bagpiper at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Bagpipes at a f**...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept. We all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._
Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of s**... that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f**...' f**... director would be my first guess"

Interviewing an 80-year-old lady

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a f**... director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a f**... director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go go go"

Why a fourth time?

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

Interview With An 80 Year Old Lady

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it is like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a f**... director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a f**... director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

I'm not lost. ...okay maybe I am.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost… It's a man thing.

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
Apparently, I'm still lost…

I played for a homeless mans f**...

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

A banker dies and his wife is making his f**... arrangements.

The f**... director notices that the husband died at work and came to him in a nicely pressed, gray suit. "Well," he said to the wife, "why don't we just keep him dressed like this, since he looks so nice?"
"No way," she replied, "He looked better in blue. I've been trying for years to get him to wear a blue suit, so now I can finally have my wish. I don't care what it costs, just find a blue suit for him and put it on the bill."
So, the service comes and goes and the banker looked great in a crisp, blue suit. As the widow is looking over the f**... bill, she notices that the cost of the suit isn't listed anywhere. "Excuse me, but you didn't include the cost of the suit," she tells him.
"Oh, don't worry about it," he replied.
"No, sir, I'm an honest woman and I pay my debts. How much do I owe you?"
"The truth is," he replied, "the same day your husband was brought in, a broker came in wearing a blue suit-"
"*You switched their suits??*" The widow interrupted, disgusted.
"No, no, of course not...we just switched their heads."

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. (xpost from funny)

A rich and proud man dies while his son is out of the country.

The son calls the f**... director and says he wants the best for his father's f**... and will settle the bill when he gets back. A few weeks later the son returns and pays the $22,000 charge. A bill comes the following week for $79. The son pays that as well. The next week another $79 bill arrives. The son calls the f**... director. "Why do you keep sending me bills for $79?" he asks.
"You said you wanted the best for your father" replies the f**... director "so I rented him a tux."
-APHC

Just a joke I know.

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others" She replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" The interviewer inquired.
"This one will be my fourth." She replied. "I was married in my 20s to a banker, then my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher"
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a f**... director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me." She replied "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Man and his wife are on vacation in Israel . . .

when the wife suddenly falls ill and dies. The f**... director said to the man, "You can have your wife buried here in the Holy Land and it will cost you only $1000 or you can have her flown back the United States and buried there but it will cost at least $15000." The man said, "Ill have her flown home." the f**... then responds, "But sir she is her IN the Holy Land and it will cost you so much less. I have to know why you want to go through all of that just to have her buried!" The man stood up and said, "Oh no you don't, I know exactly what happened the last time you guys try to bury someone here!"

Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

Two gay men went to a f**... director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The f**... director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the f**... director.

Saw an interview in the paper yesterday

This women had just turned 85 years old and my local paper had an interview with her, and they learned she was married four times. So the interviewer says, "Would you mind saying telling us about your husbands?" and she smiles and says, "Sure. When I was in my twenties, I married a banker. It was great and we had lots of money, but I decided I wanted something more, so in my fourties I married a circus ring leader,and that was amazing and fun. But I soon got bored of that so I married a church celergy man. After him I married a f**... home director." The interviewer of course was amazed by this and said, "Wow, those men sure had interesting jobs, what made you want to marry such interesting people?" Again she laughs, and smiles, "You know, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go"

Two brothers are discussing the details of their father's f**...

The first one is trying to arrange everything himself, because he knows that the other one is pretty dim and sure to mess something up in some way.
The dim brother insists that he won't. Finally the first brother relents and gives him a small task: "Just make sure dad looks nice for the service."
The day of the service arrives and everything goes off without a hitch. The first brother congratulates the dim one on a job well done.
A month after the service, the first brother receives a bill for $200 from the f**... home. He assumes it was a missed cost and sends the money.
Another month goes by, and again he receives a bill for $200. Thinking something must be wrong, he calls the f**... home and asks why he's being charged another $200.
The f**... home director replies, "Well, your brother was insistent on your father looking nice for the f**..., so he rented him a tux!"

Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a f**... director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the f**... director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.
On the day of the f**..., there was her husband in his coffin with a form-fitting blue suit.
Afterwards, she asked the undertaker about the extra charge. He replied, No charge. Glad to do it for you! You see, the same day you asked me about that, another man's body arrived, wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his widow, and she wasn't particular about the suit.
So I switched the heads.

An old man dies.

His wife takes him to the f**... home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"
The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."
"No problem", the f**... director says.
The day after, the wife walks in and sees the husband in a perfect, tailor made blue suit.
"That's perfect!" she says. "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, nothing", the director responds.
"Why nothing? It surely must have cost something!"
"See, yesterday another woman whose husband had died came in. He was the same size and same height as your husband, and was wearing a blue suit. She wanted a black suit on her husband.
So, I did the logical thing, and swapped the heads".

My friend just just dumped a f**... director she was dating.

She said he was a real stiff.

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a f**... director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

An old man dies...

...and at the f**..., his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects. When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants. When he goes to ask the f**... director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"

An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road

Suddenly, he sees a f**... procession driving slowly down the road.
So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.
2 hours later, the f**... director comes up to the man , this time by himself.
"That was very respectful, what you did. I want to thank you for your manners."
"Well," says the man, "it's the least I can do for my wife."

Walking past the f**... directors.

I was walking past the f**... directors the other day, and I looked in, and was shocked to see a large, hairy elephant in a black suit showing a family a head stone.
I thought to myself "That's a mammoth undertaking."

I asked a f**... director about mausoleums and he would only speak in metaphors.

He was acting very cryptic.

Did you hear about the f**... director who ran out of gas?

He was arrested for beating a dead hearse.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the f**..., his mother walks towards the director and says,
"Jesus died for your scenes."

Did you guys hear about that Mexican stunt man that died?

At the f**..., his mom was crying and yelling at the director saying:
Jesus died for your scenes!

Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.

The f**... director explains to the President's entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the f**... director and say they prefer to the return the body to the U.S.
Why? asks the confused f**... director, for less than a fraction of the cost you can have him buried in the Holy Land . The diplomats respond, A long time ago another man died and was buried here, and three days later he came back from the dead. That's a risk we simply cannot take.

I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!

So was the f**... director.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"