Fun Kid Jokes

There are three types of s**... in a marriage.
The first one is Kitchen s**....
This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom s**....
This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of s**... is Hallway s**....
This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom s**....
This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!

A fun joke to tell your friends.

This joke is pretty fun to tell, but you need a friend to make it work.
You: A class went on a field trip to the zoo. The teacher stopped by the gorilla cage and said "Can anyone tell me what animal this is?" the r**... kid raised his hand and said "It's a gorilla." Everyone said "Yay for the little r**... kid!" They continue and the teacher stops by the flamingos and asks the same question. The r**... kid raised his hand and said "They're flamingos!" everyone said "Yay for the little r**... kid!" They stopped at another pen with white and striped horses in it. They're white, and they have black stripes... I can't remember what they are. (Act like you really don't know)
Your friend: Zebra.
You: *claps* Yay for the little r**... kid!

Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.
Bob starts taking random b**... classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.
One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent e**... service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.
Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."
Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a p**..., and storms away. But Bob is confident.
Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the w**....

Blonde physical education teacher

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, k**... a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"