Full Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

I saw an advert that read: Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

I saw this advert in a window that said: Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought.....

I can't turn that down.

How can you tell an ant's gender?

1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.

Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.

So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.

Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.

Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."

Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."

Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."

Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

What do you get when 32 rednecks enter the same room?

A full set of teeth.

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

I really don't like russian dolls...

They are so full of themselves.

Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says

"This is a repost."

I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is

What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth

Pessimist: The glass is half empty...

Optimist: The glass is half full

Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass!

Why is Tumblr so unhealthy?

It's full of trans fats.

Optimist: "This glass is half full"

Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"

Feminist: "This glass is raping me"

(NSFW) What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"


The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.

Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

How can a room full of couples be empty?

There isn't a single person left!

Bwahahahahaha

Why is the congress never impeaching president Trump?

because republicans insist on carrying a baby to its full term.

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

I've never met a full on jew

They were all just sort of jew-ish

What are the funniest full jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Full? Well, here are the best Full puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Full pick up lines to share with friends.

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