Fulfillment Jokes

Three men get trapped on an island. An native tribe finds them. The chief says to them, "I'll grant each of you a wish but after that wish is fulfilled, we're going to kill you to make canoes out of you." The first man wishes to be rich. The tribe hands over some rare gems, enough to make him rich. Then they kill him. The second man asks for peace for his country. The tribe goes to his country and has a meeting with the ambassadors from all around, pledging to bring in more trade if they did not attack this man's home country. They accomplish the deal and head back to the island and kill him. The third man asks for a fork. The tribe travels all around searching for a fork. When they finally find one, they hand it to the third man asking, "Why'd you want a fork?" The man answers by stabbing himself and saying, "You're not gonna make a canoe outta me!"

So there are three prisoners

who have all been sentenced to twenty years behind bars. They are all allowed to have a few items in their cell. The first prisoner asks for a pile of law books, the second for his wife, and the third for three thousand cigarettes. When they are released the first prisoner walks out happy and says, "Thank god for those books. I can now finally fulfill my dream of being a lawyer. The second walks out and says, "Thank god for my wife. I now have four children and I am now going to settle down and have a nice family life. Then the third walks out and says, "Anyone got a match?"

A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....

The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"

This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"

The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"

A piece of butter...

A piece of butter, Joe, has lived a long, satisfying life. He's very content with it, and he realizes that he should end his life here, on a happy note. However, before he does so, he wants to cross a few things off of his "butter list".
First, Joe finds a nearby piece of toast, and hops onto it. He spreads himself out, and relaxes there for a little while. It's fun, but he still doesn't feel completely fulfilled with his life.
Next, Joe searches for a second starchy food to hang out on. He picks a bagel, and stays even longer than he did on the toast. The feeling of being split into a circle revs his engine, and it's hard for him to leave.
Finally, Joe finds a third food and spreads on it. He stays a very long time, and another piece of butter comes over to see what's going on. Joe tells him, "I wanted to experience some new things before I die. But now that I've done all of them, I think it's a good time to go. Nice knowing you!"
He is about to pass away when the other butter stops him. "Wait, Joe!" he cries. "Don't stop now; you're on a roll!"

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse.
The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?"
The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid.
The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

Men entrance to Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,God appeared and said,"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line for men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Divine Frog

A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

"You won't be able to stop me this time, Captain Food Saver,"

shouted The Moldy Bread at his arch nemesis, who was very tightly bound.
"Ah ha! But there's where you're wrong, Moldy! I brought along an old weapon that you've forgotten about..."
The Moldy Bread ignored the Captain, stating, "It's too late! I've already started up my Mold Machine! My lifelong purpose will finally be fulfilled when all of the world's bread is moldy! Muahahahaha!"
The great sci-fi-looking cannon started whirring and humming. At the last possible moment before the machine fired, Captain Food Saver burst through his bonds and threw a small and very thin sheet of metal in front of the cannon. The blast reflected off the surface of the metal, and back into the cannon, making it collapse in on itself into a rotten and damp pile.
Devastated, The Moldy Bread shouted, "Curse you Captain Food Saver! My plan was foiled again!"

A young woman married and had 13 children

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7
more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving
woman who fulfilled his commandment to Go forth and multiply.
In his final eulogy, he noted, Thank you, Lord, they're finally together.
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, Do you think he means her first, second or third
husband?
The other mourner then replied, I think he means her legs.

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.
He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his bakery and moves to Canada to fulfill his dreams.
Unfortunately it doesn't go as planned. He is making even less money than before. After a while he fears he will not have enough money to feed himself.
He goes to a bar to drown his sorrows, and explains this all to a man at the bar. The Baker asks him what he should do.
I he man says, "if at furs you don't succeed, try rye again."

She married and had 6 children

Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 3 more children.
Again, her husband died.
But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.
At last, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."