Fuel Jokes

What weighs more than a car and consumes a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?

Your mom.

Make me feel like a woman.

The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a c**... landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.

What did James Hetfield say when he go to the gas station?

Gimme fuel

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

Three engineers were driving down the road.

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. (Shut up, just go with it). Suddenly their car sputters to a halt.
The electrical engineer says it has to be a problem with the electric system.
The chemical engineer thinks it's a problem in the fuel system.
Then they both look at the Windows engineer... He just says, "Perhaps we should all get out and back in again"

Climate skeptics and 9/11-truthers unite!

Alternative fuel can't melt steel beams!

The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire

Four Engineers get into a car.

The car won't start.
The mechanical engineer says: "There must be a problem with the gear box."
The electrical engineer says: "It must have a broken starter."
The chemical engineer says: "There must be something wrong with the fuel"
The IT engineer says: "Hey, let's all get out of the car and get back in."

What does RoboCop use for fuel?

Petroleum

Four engineers riding in a car -

it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

What did Amelia Earhart learn?

Triplane fuel can't melt sea beams.

Four students are having a problem with their car...

Four students are having a problem with their car and are forced to stop on the side of the road.
"The ignition is damaged" says the electrical engineer.
"The fuel pipe is clogged" says the chemist.
"Engines is damaged" says the engineer.
"Lets just get out of the car and get in again" says the computer scientist.

Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

The Google car won't use any fuel

It will run on a search engine

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..
-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as s**... as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

A lot of different plants can be turned into alcohol and then used for trucking fuel. I tried this with juniper berries.

I call it gin diesel.

Today I saw a car stop at a zebra crossing in India to let one person cross...

but then I realised it had just run out of fuel.

What kind of fuel do you put in a s**... ambiguous car?

Genderfluid.

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest

EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.

After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings, construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from Frank Gaybeau's c**... induced, hotel filled, 5 figure by the hour e**... stuffed full on satanic o**... fest.

The Irish have completely solved their own fuel problems

They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs so they can drill for their own oil.

Wintertime joke: Give man fire and he will stay warm until it's fuel is consumed.

Set a man on fire and he will stay warm his entire life.

How many New Jersians or Oregonians does it take to fuel a car?

One, if they are a qualified, trained vehicle fueling technician.

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

A man in my town was arrested for indecent exposure when he forgot to close his fuel filler door on his car.

He was showing the public his gas hole.

What do you call a spaceship that runs on all natural fuel?

The Millenial falcon

I haven't been able to fuel my ATM addiction for a few weeks

But I'm not having withdrawals

When you're trying to slingshot around jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?

Because he pities the fuel.

What do you call an ion engine which has run out of fuel?

An ioff engine

Stirlitz

Stirlitz saw how two German soldiers pour a gasoline on a cat and set it on fire. Poor cat runs in agony and after few seconds fall on ground and dies. He ran out of fuel - Stirlitz said.

Why does h**... like being on Santa's naughty list?

Because those ovens aren't going to run without a source of fuel!

Why don't you have to wait in line for fuel in Cuba?

Because theres no fuel to begin with

Years ago, I invented an aviation fuel made of water,

but it never took off.

What fuel does a t**... Van run off?

Gender fluid

This is a man that sold his car....

so he can be able to buy some fuel!

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.
They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.
So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
So there they are, two Nuns in full Nun garb pouring gas into the vehicle from a bed pan.
A man driving by sees the Nuns, sees the bed pan and exclaims:
"Oh, Lord! Now that is faith!"

A Qatari,American,and Indian are in a boat in middle of sea.All are bragging about their country

The Qatari : In our country,we have excess of oil.*Throws all fuel in the sea*.
The American : In our country,we have excess of advandced gadgets and technology.*Throws every gadget in the sea*.
The Indian : *Throws both of them in the sea*.In our country, we have excess of people.

engineers

4 engineers are traveling down a road when suddenly the car comes to a stop
The electrical engineer says "the battery died"
The chemical engineer says "we ran out of fuel"
The civil engineer says "the road shredded the tires"
The computer engineer says "why don't we get out of the car and then back in?"

How does Harry potter fuel his car?

He goes Execto petroleum

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect u**... as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect u**....

I think it's BP

What do clowns fill their cars with?

Laughing gas!
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This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate j**... can.

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect u**....

I think it is B.P.

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.
"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"
Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.
She says, "Of course, I'm not s**.... I'm using D during the day and N during the night"