Fucking Jokes

What are some Fucking jokes?

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My friend just wrote "I love my girlfriend <3" on his status

I know he likes them young, but that's just fucking ridiculous

I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

My dad told me he was a necrophiliac. I thought he was joking....

but, he was dead-fucking serious.

Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."

"Definitely majestic!"

"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"

"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking horseshit'"

Tried to Select a Password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one consecutive upper case character.
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WEBSITE: That password is already in use.

Falling Bricks

A man is starting his new job at a skyscraper construction site and he is a little nervous. He introduces himself to the other workers.
"H-H-Hello... M-My name is Peter." The Men grunt and continue working. When it's time for lunch, all the men sit on the edge of the building. the man walks over and sits next to them.
"W-What do you do around here for fun?" he asks. A rather large man turns around and says:
"Falling Brick."
"W-Well what's that?"
"Take a Brick and throw it off the edge. while it's falling yell falling brick. It's hilarious watching all the people below scatter."

The man reluctantly takes a brick from the pile. He tosses off the edge of the building.
"F-F-F-F..."

"F-F-F-F..."

"Fffffff..."

"F-F-Fucking got him."

I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he says. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?'

The lawyer looks down in horror.

'FUCKING HELL!' he screams........'My Rolex!!!'

A Native American boy walks up to the the Chief of his tribe...

He says to the Chief "Great Chief, where do the people of our tribe get their names?" the chief replies, "Well, each infant is given a name by their father seconds before the mother gives birth. You see, what the father does is observe the nature around them and let its spirit inspire them." The boy says "I see, this makes some sense to me." and the Chief explains to the boy, "You're friend, Soaring-eagle, received his name when his father saw an eagle fly directly above the hut that his wife was giving birth in." The boy still looked slightly confused, so the Chief asked "Why exactly are you seeking this information. Did you want to know where you're name originated, Twodogsfucking?"

What do you say when you step on a snake?

FUCKINGFUCKERMOTHERSONAFUCKINGSHITFUCK

How does a rock star feel when he nails a groupie?

Fan-fucking-tastic!

Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."

The boy seemed satisfied with the response for a moment then again questioned the father.

"Dad, why is grandpa named waxing moon?"

The boy's father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when your grandfather was born his parents took him outside and that's the first thing they saw, a waxing moon. Now tell me, two-dogs-fucking, why have you become so curious?

Choose a new password:

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

Sigmund Freud sits down for tea with his mother..

Sigmund Freud is sitting down for a cup of tea with his dear mother, who has her nose in a book. She gasps, and Freud asks why. And so she responds: "why, Siggy, according to these scientists, our universe is only one of many! We live in parallel with millions of other realities where everything that may or may not happen is happening simultaneously throughout the multiverse! Our reality is one string in a giant blanket of undulating spacetime!"

Freud nods, thinking a moment before responding.

"You mindfucking me, mom?"

Old Native American joke

A young Indian boy was curious about how he got his name. He asked the chief, "Chief, how do we get our names?"

The Chief answers him, "We give names by what is outside of the teepee during ones birth.

"When your mom was born, it was a beautiful April day, so we named her BlueSky.

"After your dad's birth we were greeted by a majestic deer, so we named him WhiteTail."

The chief looked at the boy a little puzzled,

"Why do you ask BearFuckingBear?"

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

A group of friends were named after their professions.

The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because 'Fucking People Out of Money' takes to long to say.

How does it feel to be a famous rock-and-roll musician?

Fan-fucking-tastic!

What business are you in?

I'll start

'What business are you in?'

'I'm in the Necrophiliac business.'

'How is it?'

'Fucking dead.'

**************

'What business are you in?'

'I'm in the Parkinson's business.'

'How is it?'

'Bit shaky at the moment.'

A game we played as 13 year olds. Plenty more in the tank

My friend tells me English has prefixes, suffixes, and infixes...

I know the first two, but an infix? That is un-fucking-believable.

Big ones

The OH&S officer did the rounds today.

I was going ok with the questions until he asked ' what steps would you take if there was a fire?'

'fucking big ones' was not the answer..

Two muffins are in an oven..

One says to the other one "Dude, I am so baked."


^^^^^Ishouldfeelreallyfuckingbad

There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."

John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.

John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."

"But-"

"Take a hit, John."

John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."

John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.

The voice exclaims,"Un-fucking-believable!"

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm...

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He turns to his wife and says, 'This is the pig I'm fucking'. His wife says, 'You idiot...that isn't a pig. It's a duck.' The man responds, 'I wasn't talking to you...'.

Didn't help myself today when the police pulled me over...

They suspected I was driving with no insurance."Fucking filthy pigs" I raged, "have you got nothing else better to do, like arresting murderers and rapists?""Any more language like that, and you'll be arrested" he snapped."I'm sorry, I said, "It's just the beer talking."

Attempting to Set A New Password


Attempting to Set A New Password:


Website: Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.


User: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?


Website: No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.


User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working
pretty good?


Website: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire
every 30 days.


User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?


Website: No, you must get a new one.


User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember

.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.


User: OK, roses.


Website: Sorry you must use more letters.


User: OK, pretty roses


Website: No good, you must use at least one number.


User: OK, 1 pretty rose


Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.


User: OK, 1prettyrose
Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters.


User: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose


Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.


User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose


Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.


User: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose


Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use
additional letters.


User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow


Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

Mickey & Minnie Divorce Court [NSFW]

Judge: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie just because shes a little weird.."

Mickey: "Your Honor, I didn't say she was a 'little weird', I said she was 'fucking Goofy!"

On the topic of tailpipe-fucking a car, how does one sodomize their ride?

Stick it in the gashole

Two ISIS fighters making a letter bomb

Abdul and Saddam sitting making letter bombs, Abdul says, "Saddam, do you think I've put enough explosive in this envelope?" "I don't know" says Saddam "open it and see". "But it'll explode" says Abdul. "Don't be so fucking' stupid" says Saddam "it's not addressed to you!"

Big IF

If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd only have 2 bucks and millions of illegal counterfeit dollar bills that only bring sadness and disappointment in the human race and are a scar on the face of earth, ruining and vandalising every-fucking-thing the human race has strived for.

Hugga-Bugga

Three African explorers are captured by a tribe of savages, and are brought before the chief.

"You have trespassed on our land," says the chief. "Your choice is death, or hugga-bugga."

The first explorer thinks about it, and chooses hugga-bugga. The savages then bend him over a tree stump, and the chief gives him a good ass-fucking. They let him go, and he stumbles off.

The second explorer is given the same option. "I don't want to die," he thinks, "and that didn't look so bad." So he chooses hugga-bugga. This time they bend him over the tree stump, and after the chief is done, all of his top hunters have a go. They let him go, and he hobbles off.

The third explorer is horrified, and sees that it keeps getting worse, so when he is asked, he chooses death.

"So be it," the chief says, "Death, by hugga-bugga."

A young native child asks his father...

"Father, where did I get my name?"

To which the father replied, "well son, we name our children after the first thing we see when we come out of the teepee when you are born. That is why your sister is named Running River..."

"Oh, like how we live near the river!" the son chimed in. "But father, why am I named Twod Ogsfucking"

Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew he liked them young but that is fucking ridiculous.

What would the news headline be if virginity could be restored?

Unfucking Believable?

Michelob Ultra joke

Elizabeth Warren: Michelob Ultra is the club soda of beers.
Stephen Colbert: They’re both fucking close to water.

A rockstar was telling his mate about all the groupies on the weekend.

Apparently, it was fan-fucking-tastic

Some insults are deeply sexist...

"You fatherfucking daughter of a dog."

A guy with a stammer participates in an open Mic night at a pub.

In his opening joke, he makes fun of other people with stammers. A guy from the audience shouts, "You can't make fun of disabilities even if you have one!" The comedian replies, "Did I f-fucking s-s-stutter?"

A man asked an American Indian for his wife's name...

"She is called Five Horses" He replied.

"That's an unusual name, what does it mean?"

The Indian grimaced. "Fucking....NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

A libertarian prostitute looks at her pay stub..

"I'm sick of all these fucking-taxes"

F1 quote if this season

fuck.faaack puuck paaak .mmmmffff fff.fucking idiot . -Sebastian Vettal

Indian guy complains

I have lived 20 years in America but I still don't understand this:

I have a friend who is almost 2 meters tall - and they call him "Shorty".

Then I have a friend who has no hair at all - and they call him "Curly".

Me, I have never been with a woman - and they call me the 'Fucking Indian'

Did you hear about the guy who entered a turd-fucking contest?

He came in number two.

The UFC is a joke

Khabib beat #11 and is now champion, conor commits a felony and injures fighters which fucks up the event and doesn’t even get arrested and not suspended, we all know if that was ray Borg that did that and injured Conor they would cut his contract, and now brock comes back after a suspension and gets HW title shot, I live the UFC but it’s a big fucking joke, they do t even follow the rules they make !

Catholic Church tries Tumblr

IFuckingHateScience (IFHScience)... is taken?

Jesus!

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"

"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."

"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"

"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."

"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"

"No, you must get a new one."

"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."

"Sorry, you must get a new one."

"OK, roses."

"Sorry you must use more letters."

"OK, pretty roses"

"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."

"OK, 1 pretty rose"

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"OK, 1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use additional characters."

"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."

"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"

I don't know why my mom keeps telling me to stop watching 'fucking anime'

It's called 'hentai'.

Come to the conclusion my dads a dinosaur..

Cause everytime i mention him my mother says "heneverfuckingsawus"

Makes sence cause dinosaurs havent been around for a while either.

I dressed up as a coprophiliac Taurus to the Halloween party, but got kicked out because apparently it was "indecent."

Bull-fucking-shit.

Swearing is so unattractive

I'm already un-a-fucking-attractive so mind your muthafucking business.

What do you call 30 gay guys buttfucking in a circle?

A creme-filled donut.

What did the fish say when it ran in to the wall?

Holy-fucking-shit-son-of-a-bitch!!!

She said she'd keep an eye out for me

I don't know why. I don't even like skullfucking.

How to make Fucking jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Fucking to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Fucking? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Fucking pick up lines to share with friends.

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