fucking Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious fucking puns

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ajit Pai.

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on...

...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

​

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my coffee how I like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

American healthcare.

That's it. That's the fucking joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!

*the father turns to her boyfriend*

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.


Dancing, she replied.


The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fucking kids are expensive , I said

Is , my lawyer replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The average person has sex 89 times a year

My December is going to be fucking sick

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'

'Impossible!!' she bellowed.

The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.

That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.

The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"

The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."

(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a huge bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

10 year old boy walks on his parent's room while they were having sex

Parents stop and looked, laugh a lot and then carry on
boy leaves the room in disgust.
2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast,
boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!

EDIT- My English is not that good yet btw anyone cares to PM me the joke with proper punctutation and proper english

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals..

I'm fucking LIVID

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A **realist** sees a freight train.

The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I wanna name my puppy 'insane'...

...so when people ask 'are you fucking insane?' I can say 'no I'm fucking my sister'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Guy: girl are you a newspaper?

Girl: no why?
Guy: because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband comes home to his wife

with a duck in his hands and says "This is the pig I've been fucking"

The wife says "That's not a pig that's a duck"

The husband says "I wasn't talking to you"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wordplay is fun.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my coffee like I like my women

Without someone else's dick in it SHARON YOU FUCKING WHORE

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctor.

After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within minutes his wife is screaming having the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friendly slowly and says "And that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Accidental dad joke

So I was making soda in my Soda Stream for some friends that were over. For those that don't know a soda stream is a little c02 pump you get at target that carbonates water for you. Anyways, you're only supposed to pump it like 4-5 times. I wanted it super fizzy so I was pumping it way more than that. One of my friends goes "It's not going to get any fizzier" to which i said "trust me it will, what are you a fucking physicist?" Everyone started giggling. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. They all thought i made a clever play on the word physicist (fizz-icist), but I didn't. After I realized they thought that I just went with it. That's now my go to soda joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Procrastination is like masturbation

It's fun at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Geologist have jokes too...

Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these Dan?"

Geologist: "They're sex stones."

Steve: "What? Really?"

Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while, my wife said, "Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I won my first cage fight last night...

Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was in the living room with my dad

I was in the living room with my dad when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"You're lying."

"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"What's the point of fucking one?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My chemistry teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because he's a fucking creep

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl is with her Dad in garden...

...and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fucking livid

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend...

...she looks at him "dad, I'm sorry" he says "Hi sorry, I'm dad" then he turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry!?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dad joke

A dad goes to see his daughter in her room but the door is shut. He opens it, and finds his daughter and some guy he's never met having sex.

The daughter looks up, distraught and embarrassed.
"I.. I can explain! I'm sorry!"

"Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."

He looks at the guy.

"Are you fucking Sorry?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny's parents decided to have sex.

So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Johnny says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Johnny says " I didn't see any red cars but i found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says " haha well did they leave the curtains open?", Johnny spits out, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting cars"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not fucking wait in line for anything! Sir."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're fucking donuts."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my women like I like my whiskey...

WITHOUT BRIAN'S FUCKING DICK IN IT, JENNY.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been in jail 5 minutes and already got raped twice

I'm fucking done playing monopoly with my dad.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound.

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a horse-fly.

Dog: **NO. FUCKING. WAAAAAYYY!!!**

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm just back from Walt Disney world so....

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...

I said she was fucking Goofy!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The farmer's new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, geese and the lone parrot too. That evening, the farmer finds the cock lying out in the open field, pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head.

"You horny bastard! You deserve this." He tells the cock.

The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, "Sshhhh! Don't shout.. Wait for them to land.."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burn'....

Fucking firemen

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Broken Leg

Bill had a broken leg. His friend Nick visits him.

Bill asks Nick, "Can you go get my slippers upstairs?"

Nick goes upstairs to see Bills beautiful daughters on their beds.

Nick says, "Your dad wants me to have sex with you."

They say, "No way! Prove it!"

Nick shouts at Bill, "Both of them?"

Bill shouts, "Yes, both! What's the use of fucking one!?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I happened to be in the area where I grew up so I went and checked out my old childhood home. I knocked and asked if I could look around a bit, but the owners said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy goes to his Mom and says, Mom, how come you're white and I'm black?

His Mom replies, Son, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I said to my girlfriend, " Please get me a newspaper. "

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The autopsy

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, "You can't do this to me!"

I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my women like I like my student debt

Always there and constantly fucking me

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are gay men so mean? NSFW

Because they're all fucking assholes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

True friendship

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mother has a thick Russian accent...

... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.

For instance "want" sounds like "vant."

Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"

The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once caught my ex-girlfriend putting acorns into her vagina...

She was fucking nuts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

daaaamn guuurrrl are you a smoke detector ...

because you're really fucking loud and annoying

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Give it to me!" she yelled

Give it to me! She yelled.

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted.

I was keeping the umbrella.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I see one more fucking post about Net Neutrality

I'll have to pay for it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: Thanks. How much?

Bartender: T... ten... d... dollars

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Bartender: Sorry but... it's the very first time a talking horse comes into my bar

Horse: First and last. TEN DOLLARS A FUCKING COKE?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Damn girl are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Procrastination is like masturbation...

... it feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walked into a bar...

... and he stayed there my entire fucking childhood.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You're gonna need to reload."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife was going through her wardrobe when she squealed, "Look at this! It still fits me after 25 years!"

I grumbled, "It's a fucking scarf!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My 6 year old son caught me masturbating this
morning...

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a short black person?

By their name you fucking racist

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When my wife left I was sad upset and lonely

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .



She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no fucking money in there.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I told my boyfriend I wanted to try something I saw in a porno.

He wasn't as enthusiastic when I started fucking the pizza guy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said Use a fucking spoon, you're not a Jedi

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What happens when a cyclist meets a stop sign?

Not a fucking thing, usually.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.

Firefighter: How do you think all this started?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why cant dinosaurs clap?

Because they're fucking dead.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Give it to me" she screamed "Give it to me I'm so fucking wet!"

But try as she might, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Opening a bank account

A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said, "I want to open a fucking bank account."
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the man. "What is the problem here, sir?", the manager asks. "There is no fucking problem here. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my mother-fucking money in this mother-fucking bank."
"Oh...I see," says the bank manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man kills a deer...

A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been in jail for 5 minutes and already got raped twice.

I'm fucking done playing monopoly with my dad.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

We had a safety meeting at work today.

They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire?

"Fucking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Fucking puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Fucking? Well, here are the best jokes about Fucking to have fun with.

Joko Jokes