fucking Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious fucking stories

What are the best fucking puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Fucking? Well here is a complete list of the top fucking jokes:

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on...

...I'd be like why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?

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Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

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Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

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A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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I like my coffee how I like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A **realist** sees a freight train.

The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

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My love is like a candle...

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

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daaaamn guuurrrl are you a smoke detector ...

because you're really fucking loud and annoying

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"Give it to me!" she yelled

Give it to me! She yelled.

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted.

I was keeping the umbrella.

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A man walked into a bar...

... and he stayed there my entire fucking childhood.

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My 6 year old son caught me masturbating this
morning...

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

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When my wife left I was sad upset and lonely

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .



She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

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A man kills a deer...

A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

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I once saw a girl with 12 nipples

It sounds pretty fucking strange, dozen tit?

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I said to my girlfriend,
"Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly,"she replied,
"you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

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I cry every time after sex

I fucking hate prison.

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I saw a sign the other day the made me fucking piss my pants...

...it said "Bathroom Closed"

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My girlfriend was shouting Give it to me now! I'm so fucking wet!

I simply told her This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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Doctors and nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

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Divorce

Mickey Mouse was fed up and wanted a divorce from Minnie. He went to the courthouse to get it official, but the judge wasn't going to let it happen. He said, "Mickey, I can't let your divorce your wife because you think she's crazy." Mickey yelled back,"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

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I was wondering why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation...

Then I saw a dragon and I fucking shit myself.

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So I was walking home from the bar the other night..

And I came across this girl; dirty, disheveled, and curled up by the dumpster out back.

I took her home and bathed her. As I was toweling her down I became aroused.

One thing led to another and before you knew it we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

For one minute she was flailing so hard you would think she was still alive.

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My wife came home to find me in bed with a young, attractive blonde girl

She said "what the fuck are you doing?"
I replied, "we're practicing our golf swings"
"That's a stupid answer!".....I said, "well, that was a stupid fucking question"

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A woman is checking out at the grocer ...

She places 1 whole frozen chicken, 1 gallon of whole milk, and 1 dozen eggs onto the check-out counter.

The clerk looks over her items and says: "Chicken, milk, and eggs ... I bet you're single, ma'am."

"That's amazing!" says the woman. "How could you tell that just from my groceries?"

The clerk responds, "Well, you're fucking ugly."

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Minnie and Mickey Mouse are getting a divorce...

The divorce court judge looks down at the paperwork and says to Mickey "It says here that you want to divorce Minnie because you think she is crazy?" And Mickey replies, "No, I said I want a divorce because she is fucking Goofy!"

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My love for you is like a candle.

If you forget about me, I will burn your fucking house down

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I heard a man at the beach yelling "I can't swim!"

Well, I can't play the fucking Piano but am I bitching about it? Attention Whore...

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What do pedophiles and climate change deniers have in common?

They both enjoy fucking the next generation.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What you you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?

Still no fucking eye deer.

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I once dated this girl who owned a parakeet. Oh my god, that fucking thing never shut up.

But the bird was cool

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So three guys were sleeping in a bed

when all of them woke up at the same time. The guy on the right said, "Holy shit I was just having the best dream about a girl wackin' me off." The guy on the left said, "No way I was having the same fucking dream!" The guy in the middle then said, "Dammit, I just had a dream I was skiing!"

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I had sex with a chinese girl on an elevator

I was fucking Wong on so many levels

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So I went to a convention for nymphomaniacs with sleeping disorders...

... it was a fucking nightmare.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best fucking jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about fucking. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty fucking gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these fucking jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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