Fuckin Jokes
110 fuckin jokes and hilarious fuckin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fuckin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Fuckin Short Jokes
Short fuckin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fuckin humour may include short jokes also.
- I was s**... off my new Thai bride, last night When I thought.. "Hang on a f**...' minute"
- If you've got one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand what have you got? A big f**...' moth.
- Common misconception about New York, we don't have 24 hour subway service. We actually have 12 hour service because it doesn't work half the f**...' time
- Every time we go on holiday the wife gets pregnant.. f**...' takin' her with us next year!
- What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes? One is luck n' fame, the other is f**...' lame.
- I failed a Health and Safety course at work today... One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. - Why are Soviets so bad with the ladies? They're always Russian the f**...' and Stalin the lovin'
hehehe - How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None of your f**...' business! Get owta my f**...' way!
- China already tried Trump's giant wall idea, and we saw how that worked out... not too many f**...' Mexicans in China, are there?
- What's the longest word in the world? Marriage. Because it's not just a word, it's a f**...' sentence.
Share These Fuckin Jokes With Friends
Fuckin One Liners
Which fuckin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fuckin? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Having s**... while camping is NOT for the faint of heart. It's f**...' in tents
- What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom? f**...' nothin'.
- Why did Mickey Mouse leave Minnie Mouse? She was f**...' Goofy.
- How do they teach the alphabet in New Jersey? f**...-A, f**...-B, f**...-C...
- How does Gordon Ramsays family know he's having a s**...? The toast is f**...' burnt
- What do you call a vegan who gives blow jobs? A f**...' liar...
- Where can you find an asexual person? You can't. They ain't f**...' anywhere.
- I don't understand why people are always talking about f**...' an A A B has more holes
- How did Gordan Ramsey like the steak John Cena served him It was f**...' RAW
- Why is Mickey mad at Minnie Cuz she's f**...' Goofy
- What do you call a cow with no legs? f**...' dead
- How do you recite the alphabet in Brooklyn? f**...' "A"! f**...' "B"! f**...' "C"!
- A Pig is roaming around the desert... He says "Jesus, I'm f**...' bacon!"
- How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Mind yer own f**...' business!
- Best pickup line: Are you from Tennessee? Because you look f**...' i**....
Fuckin Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about fuckin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fuckin pranks.
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is f**... ridiculous.
Why do chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?
Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
Slip of the Tongue
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have s**... with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of f**...' one?"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. h**... $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the h**...?"
She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your f**...' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
My friend just wrote "I love my girlfriend <3" on his status
I know he likes them young, but that's just f**... ridiculous
Password reset
A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"
"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."
"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"
"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."
"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"
"No, you must get a new one."
"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."
"Sorry, you must get a new one."
"OK, roses."
"Sorry you must use more letters."
"OK, pretty roses"
"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."
"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
"OK, 1prettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use additional characters."
"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."
"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.
Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.
Struggles of passwords
Struggles of passwords
"Set password:"
carrot
"Password must be at least 8 characters."
boiled carrot
"Password must contain at least 1 number."
1 boiled carrot
"Password cannot contain spaces."
50boiledcarrots
"Password must contain at least 1 capital."
50FUCKINGBoiledcarrots
"Password cannot contain multiple consecutive capitals."
50FuckingBoiledCarrots
"Password cannot contain swear words"
IfYouDoNotAcceptThisPasswordThenYouCanStickThose50BoiledCarrotsUpYourButt
"This password is already in use."
My girlfriend just freaked me out...
she gave me a b**... but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.f**... weird and g**.... I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your f**...' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."
Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"
Fire safety
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'
My dad told me he was a necrophiliac. I thought he was joking....
but, he was dead-f**... serious.
Two women meet over a coffee.
"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .
. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.
Within a minute, she is reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess on the sidewalk. The drunk spits on the nun, and sneers.
"Yeah. . .not so f**...' tough NOW, eh Batman?"
What do you say when you step on a snake?
FUCKINGFUCKERMOTHERSONAFUCKINGSHITFUCK
How does a rock star feel when he nails a groupie?
Fan-f**...-tastic!
Man with half an orange for a head
A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story:
"When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said. 'Anything?'
'Anything,' said the genie.
'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.'
'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?"
"Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender.
The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?"
The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?"
The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey.
"What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward.
"For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."
Why is it so difficult to hold a conversation with an asexual?
They're not interested in fucking anything!
A blind man was walking down the street
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point, started p**... on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a d**... treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a n**... deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his f**...' a**...."
Didn't help myself today when the police pulled me over...
They suspected I was driving with no insurance."f**... filthy pigs" I raged, "have you got nothing else better to do, like arresting murderers and rapists?""Any more language like that, and you'll be arrested" he snapped."I'm sorry, I said, "It's just the beer talking."
coffee
You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a f**...' b**... and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess f**...' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"
Old Native American joke
A young Indian boy was curious about how he got his name. He asked the chief, "Chief, how do we get our names?"
The Chief answers him, "We give names by what is outside of the teepee during ones birth.
"When your mom was born, it was a beautiful April day, so we named her BlueSky.
"After your dad's birth we were greeted by a majestic deer, so we named him WhiteTail."
The chief looked at the boy a little puzzled,
"Why do you ask BearFuckingBear?"
A man walks into his home holding a duck by the neck
He looks at his wife and says, Honey, here's the pig I've been f**...'
Confused, she corrects him, Sweetheart, that's a duck
I wasn't talking to you
I'm at the bar right now (getting food I'm not an alcoholic I promise) and…
There's these two guys are arguing and one asked j**..., howcome you got so many grandkids and I don't?
And he answers, I taught my kids how to multiply
I f**...' lost it
"hey man— you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot"
I guess you could say *[stares muthafuckingly]*... I made a grave mistake.
"9-1-1, What is your emergency?"
"Yeah, there's a guy dressed up as a peanut in the parking lot, he's on the ground and yellin' that he's assaulted. ... I'm at the Shell station on Brittle St. ... Naw, I can't tell from here if he's just plain' or not. This guy's a fuckin' ***nut***."
A group of friends were named after their professions.
The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because f**... People Out of Money' takes to long to say.
Kentucky Freud Chicken...
It's m**...' good!
A farmer is drinkin' in his barn one night...
and decides to go wake his wife. He grabs a goat and heads up to their barn loft, wakes her up, and says "Hey! This here's the pig I've been f**...' ". She replies, "But Earlie, that there's a goat.." "I was talkin' to the goat!"
How does it feel to be a famous rock-and-roll musician?
Fan-f**...-tastic!
I saw the chief of a New York City police on the news
I saw the chief of New York City police on the news, he said "We will never forget 9/11"
I said "Well I sure f**...' hope not it's your phone number"
Two muffins are in an oven..
One says to the other one "Dude, I am so baked."
^^^^^Ishouldfeelreallyfuckingbad
What business are you in?
I'll start
'What business are you in?'
'I'm in the Necrophiliac business.'
'How is it?'
'Fucking dead.'
**************
'What business are you in?'
'I'm in the Parkinson's business.'
'How is it?'
'Bit shaky at the moment.'
A game we played as 13 year olds. Plenty more in the tank
A guy walks into a bar...
There's a sign there that reads:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grilled Cheese - $2
h**... - $10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He asks the petite bartender "Are you the little lady that gives the h**...?"
Bartneder says "Why yes I am hun."
Guy says "well, wash those f**...' hands and make me a grilled cheese"
This old man was reminiscing about the good old days...
When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many f**...' security cameras.
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm...
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He turns to his wife and says, 'This is the pig I'm f**...'. His wife says, 'You idiot...that isn't a pig. It's a duck.' The man responds, 'I wasn't talking to you...'.
My friend tells me English has prefixes, suffixes, and infixes...
I know the first two, but an infix? That is un-f**...-believable.
Big ones
The OH&S officer did the rounds today.
I was going ok with the questions until he asked ' what steps would you take if there was a fire?'
f**... big ones' was not the answer..
Mercury curiously approaches the Sun with a question: "What kind of planet are you?"
I'm not not a planet," the Sun replies.
Amazed and confused Mercury inquires, "Then what are you? An asteroid? A *comet*?"
Already tired of the conversation, the Sun replies curtly, "I'm a m**...' star, boi."
Two women are partners at a science laboratory
They both work together and create a breakthrough in modern science.
Their boyfriends receive this news while they are both at the bar together.
One boyfriend turns to the other and says,
"Dude, we're f**...' geniuses."
Two ISIS fighters making a letter bomb
Abdul and Saddam sitting making letter bombs, Abdul says, "Saddam, do you think I've put enough explosive in this envelope?" "I don't know" says Saddam "open it and see". "But it'll explode" says Abdul. "Don't be so f**...' s**..." says Saddam "it's not addressed to you!"
Tough Kid
An 8 year-old kid is sitting on a swing, eating jelly beans, in a playground in South Philly. This man walks by and says, "Hey kid, you shouldn't eat candy. It's not good for you."
Kid looks up and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 95?"
"Yeah, and? He ate a lot of candy?"
Kid smiles and says, "No. But he knew how to mind his own f**...' business."
A young native child asks his father...
"Father, where did I get my name?"
To which the father replied, "well son, we name our children after the first thing we see when we come out of the teepee when you are born. That is why your sister is named Running River..."
"Oh, like how we live near the river!" the son chimed in. "But father, why am I named Twod Ogsfucking"
Big IF
If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd only have 2 bucks and millions of i**... counterfeit dollar bills that only bring sadness and disappointment in the human race and are a scar on the face of earth, ruining and vandalising every-f**...-thing the human race has strived for.
A woman is in line at the grocery store when a very drunk man behind her looks the items in her cart and slurs "you mus' be single...!"
She was set to ignore him when she notices her shopping. There's nothing in her cart that would indicate her relationship status...
Curiosity gets the better of her and she answers him
"I am actually, but, how did you know?"
The drunk straightens up slightly and says "cos you're f**...' ugly...!"
On the topic of tailpipe-f**... a car, how does one s**... their ride?
Stick it in the gashole
Classic r**... joke
Bill moves to Bama from Boston. He knocks on his r**... neighbor's door.
"Well, welcome to Bama, Bill. You come just in time. We's havin' a party tonight. Gonna be eatin' and drinkin', fightin' and f**...'."
Bill is excited, "Wow, what should I wear?"
r**... neighbor replies, "It don't matter - just gonna be the two of us."
Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew he liked them young but that is f**... ridiculous.
A little boy was eating a bag of candy...
A little boy was eating a bag of candy when a lady approached him and said, "you know, that candy will rot your teeth and shorten your life", to which the boy replied, "I dunno, my uncle lived to be 107 years old". "Oh", said the lady, "and your uncle ate alot of candy I suppose"? "No", said the boy, "he minded his own f**...' business"!
Michelob Ultra joke
Elizabeth Warren: Michelob Ultra is the club soda of beers.
Stephen Colbert: They’re both f**... close to water.
A rockstar was telling his mate about all the groupies on the weekend.
Apparently, it was fan-f**...-tastic
What would the news headline be if virginity could be restored?
Unfucking Believable?
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's f**...' worth it.
A friend's divorce is being finalized today and he often says this.
A man walks into a doctors office for a COVID-19 consultation and the doctor says, Sir, you're exhibiting the relevant symptoms so you'll need to self- quarantine for two weeks.
The man yells back at the doctor, What?! That's ridiculous, I can't self-quarantine for two weeks! I have a life to live, I want a second a second opinion.
To which the doctor replies, Okay you're f**...' ugly too.
A libertarian p**... looks at her pay stub..
"I'm sick of all these f**...-taxes"
What do a couple on the beach having s**... and American beer have in common?
They're both f**...' near water.
My years of experience
Movies: Everything that could go wrong, might go wrong.
Tv Shows: Everything that could go wrong, will definitely f**...' go wrong.
A guy with a stammer participates in an open Mic night at a pub.
In his opening joke, he makes fun of other people with stammers. A guy from the audience shouts, "You can't make fun of disabilities even if you have one!" The comedian replies, "Did I f-f**... s-s-stutter?"
"Just give it to me already!", my girlfriend screamed, "You know I'm so f**...' wet!"
But no matter how much she screamed, I wasn't giving her my umbrella.