fucked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fucked puns

They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked


What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.


Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister


Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."


What did Hillary tell Trump after the results came in?

"Thank you. I haven't been fucked like this since 1998"


Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.


A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."


Success is like getting pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.


I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.... [NSFW]

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.


TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did


Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.


Last week I fucked my sister in law

This week I fucked my brother in geography


Did you know, that pigeons die when they have sex?

At least the one I fucked did.


Difference between twins

I've fucked a set of twins.
People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits,
And frank had a cock.


I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.


A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.

Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?

Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.



So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".


I fucked a girl for an hour and 45 seconds last night

Thanks daylight savings



While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."


Fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock


What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?

"Well, I fucked that one up."


I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now.

About time I got fucked.


I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked


Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely fucked now."


Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?


A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"


The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!


Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.


My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"


Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...


Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?


A gunman walks into a bar.....

A gunman walks into a bar....

Gunman: Who fucked my wife, show yourself so i can shoot you dead!

Random Voice: Doesn't look like you have enough bullets for that!


First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.

Husband : What? You had three divorces before.

Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.

Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it.

You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.


Boy to girl: So did it hurt?

Girl: What?

Boy: When you fell from heaven.

Girl: Awwwwwwwwww. How did you know?

Boy: Your face looks fucked up.


I got fucked by a priest 20 years ago....

....He said "you may now kiss the bride".


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