fuck Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious fuck puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15"
The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.

I said, that's fine, but don't go into that field over there. You won't like it.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!

I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....

YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be saved or else I would burn . I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

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I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

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I Will Never Forget My Son's First Words

Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?

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Damn girl are you a parked car?

Because I would have to be drunk as fuck to hit that

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The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

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I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!


Just relax. I said, You might like it.


Relax? she screamed, What the fuck is Dave doing here?

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man,

"And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"

^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger

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Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "That's what I said!"

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Fucking kids are expensive , I said

Is , my lawyer replied.

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

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"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

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A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?

Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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As my cum dribbled down my girlfriend's chin I looked her in the eyes and said, Do you like that?

No , she replied, what the fuck is in this sandwich?

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

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A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells:

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

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An husband comes home to his wife of 20 years

Husband: Darling, I'm home and I brought you some aspirins.

Wife: But I don't have a headache.

Husband: Then let's fuck.

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Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

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My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid and screamed what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry hahaha fuck you all

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

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I saw my midget neighbour on my way home today .

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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What's the rudest kind of elf?

A go fuck yours-elf

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

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So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.

I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctor.

After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within minutes his wife is screaming having the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friendly slowly and says "And that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

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In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said,
What the fuck are you doing
with your life?

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My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.

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A rich guy and a poor guy both have wives with upcoming birthdays ... (NSFW)

The rich guy says: "I'm going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday."

Poor guy:"But why?"

The rich guy responds: "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jeweler's and return it. So what are you going to get YOUR wife for her birthday?".

Poor guy: "That's easy, a pair of slippers and a dildo."

Rich guy: "But why?"

Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

 

*

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An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser

Barman: Oh, you must be American.

American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?

Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

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I fucked a girl for an hour and 45 seconds last night

Thanks daylight savings

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I was in the living room with my dad

I was in the living room with my dad when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"You're lying."

"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"What's the point of fucking one?"

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Why did America remove the "u" from "colour"?

Because fuck u

that's why

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People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up

What I'm doing is **natural** and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said the boy. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, the boy was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" The young boy replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" the boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:



Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck!"?

Get another old lady to yell, "BINGO!"

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Why Doesn't American English Use a "U" in Words Like Color and Flavor (Colour and Flavour)?

Because fuck U, that's why.

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35 years ago...

A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.

The woman asks:

"What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 35 years ago?"

" I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman,as she undid her robe.

"I think I did a pretty good job!"

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A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says "How the fuck did you do that?"

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A priest, a rabbi & a 13 year old boy are all on a plane

The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives, let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."

The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"

The priest, asks, "do you think we have enough time?"

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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Introducing my girlfriend to the family

Me: This is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

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Fucked a girl with one leg

Should've used my cock

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Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.

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A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the fuck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"

The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.

"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"

"I do not, sir!".

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?

Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off to."

The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.

Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!"
Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"

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My daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."

"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"

"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."

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A guy with a gun enters a bar..

'Who the fuck had sex with my wife?'


A voice was heard in the background 'You don`t have enough bullets mate!'

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Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)

A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help.

"Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?"

"Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000."

So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would."

"Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing."

So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too."

"Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."



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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

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A boy sees his dad smoking [NSFW]

So the boy asks if he can smoke, to which the dad replied: "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy replied, "no".

Later he sees him drinking a beer and asks if he can have one. "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" Again, no.

That night the boy is making cookies with his mother and the dad walks in. "Boy those cookies look great, can I have one"

Seeing his chance the boy asks his dad if his dick touches his asshole.

When the dad tells him that it does indeed, the boy replies: "That's great dad, cause you can go fuck yourself these are my cookies"

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A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne. The man was eating a human leg while his son was eating some human ribs.THEY WHERE CANNIBALS.

"I'm fucked" the young hiker hopelessly thought. However, at that same moment the clouds opened up and the hand of god appeared and said "No son, you are still not fucked. Steal the spear from one of the guards and put it through the fat kid's forehead". The man was aware that this plan did not sound effective, but he wanted to live and knew that god had to know what he was doing so he trusted him. He ran towards the closest guard, stole his spear, and shot it towards the fatkid's forehead, killing him instantly. The sky opened up again, "NOW you are fucked son".

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An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, one is tall, other is short, they don't look anything like each other! Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice." !!

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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

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Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy that was sitting on a bench last night

but he told me to fuck off and buy my own...

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A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm.

So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."

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10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.

He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them,

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

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I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, "You can't do this to me!"

I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.

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After my prostate exam....

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

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My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked.

I said, "It's a woman masturbating."

"Why is this on your computer screen?"

"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."

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Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display

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A lady walks down the street with her breast naked

Someone tells her:

"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"

She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:

"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"

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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the fuck out of their dogs

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What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you're on a bike

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

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What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

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Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

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I like my women like i like my coffee...

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN IT. FUCK YOU, RACHEL.

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A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeeet!"

Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

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My girlfriends joke

Her: i had a crossword puzzle today that i couldnt get

Me: what was it?

Her: "an overworked postman"

Me: but how many letters?

Her: too many

Me: fuck.....

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.....

....He hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".....what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain

"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home". "Fuck off!", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

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If I see one more fucking post about Net Neutrality

I'll have to pay for it.

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I WON! I WON!

man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife:
"honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!"
the wife says:
"oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?"
the man replies:
"i don't care, just get the fuck out!"

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

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I'll never forget my son's first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?!"

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My wife's doctor prescribed her a new pill

It's great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she'd never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn't woken up once.

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I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday..

If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.

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When the fuck did you get here Harvey?

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Harvey's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Harvey's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three arrive at the camping site only to find Harvey sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit, Harvey, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"

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A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship

Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!

Preacher: we have to save the kids first!

Rabbi: fuck the kids!

Priest: do we have time?

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A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You're gonna need to reload."

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Ladies, When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

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Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial

The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand.

Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?"

Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy."

Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?"

The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.

The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?"

The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

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philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

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I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

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An old woman asks her husband of 60 years..

"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?".

"My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied.

"And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked.

"I think I've done a pretty good job"

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I try to tell good jokes...

...but I always punch up the fuck line.

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Sex positions for small penises

Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post?

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A Father has three daughters..

Daughter 1: Dad, why did you name me Rose?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Rose petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 2: Dad, why did you name me Lily?

Dad: Because sweetie, a Lily petal fell on your head when you were born.

Daughter 3: hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??! nfhriirb!!? Jfjebdjhcb!!??!

Dad: SHUT THE FUCK UP CINDERBLOCK!

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try Anal

Her: "Fuck that shit"

Me: "That's the spirit"

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Two Priests are in a burning Chruch

Priest 1 : WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN

Priest 2 : FUCK THE CHILDREN

Priest 1 : Do we have time?

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

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A man goes to a job interview...

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Man: "Probably my honesty."

Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness."

Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

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A sadist, a murderer, a necrophile

In a mental institution...

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asks the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouts the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again," says the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it," says the pyromaniac.

Silence took over, and then the masochist says:

"Meow."

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[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common?

I don't fuck with either of them.

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The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike.

I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.

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A priest, a lawyer and a teacher with his students were on a plane

The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"

Then the teacher screamed "What about the CHILDREN!?!"

The lawyer responded "Fuck the children!"

The priest coyly glances around "But... is there time?"

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Wife says to husband "Be honest with me, what did you think of me the first time we met?" Husband says "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!" Wife says "And now?" Husband says...

"I did a good job!"

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replies:
"Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"

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A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The desk clerk says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

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A doctor just recently had sex with one of his patient..

..and he really feels bad about it.


-
**poof** a little devil appears on his left shoulder and speaks to him;
"Come on bro! Its not that bad. Many doctors fuck with their patients and it was awesome!"

-
**poof** A little angel appears on his right shoulder "Duuuuude, youΒ΄re a vet!!"

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What are the best Fuck puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Fuck? Well, here are the best jokes about Fuck to have fun with.

Joko Jokes