fuck Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious fuck stories

What are the best fuck puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Fuck? Well here is a complete list of the top fuck jokes:

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.


Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.


I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"


A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this


What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA


My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.


Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."


Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?


An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.


If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language


On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."


My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"


Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be saved or else I would burn . I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.


I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.


I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin


Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".


I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy that was sitting on a bench last night

but he told me to fuck off and buy my own...


After my prostate exam....

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"


A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."


I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.



man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife:
"honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!"
the wife says:
"oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?"
the man replies:
"i don't care, just get the fuck out!"


I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"


I try to tell good jokes...

...but I always punch up the fuck line.


A doctor just recently had sex with one of his patient..

..and he really feels bad about it.

**poof** a little devil appears on his left shoulder and speaks to him;
"Come on bro! Its not that bad. Many doctors fuck with their patients and it was awesome!"

**poof** A little angel appears on his right shoulder "Duuuuude, youΒ΄re a vet!!"


Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"


A man went to a library and asked for a book on committing suicide.

The librarian replied, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back"


A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship.

The pastor yells "Save the children!"

The rabbi replies "Pft, fuck the children!"

The priest says "Do you think we have time?"



For those of you who have a hard time understanding what the word "dilemma" means, let me give you an example.

You're lying in the middle of a kingsize bed, with on your left side the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. She's naked, and she really wants to have sex with you. On your right side, however, lies a horny as fuck gay dude. Who are you going to turn your back on? *That*'s a dilemma.


Why don't blind people bungee jump?

Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.


I asked my wife..

"what would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replied, " I would take half and leave you." I said, "good I won $12. Here's $6, now fuck off."


A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.


Two cows standing in a field...

One cow looks at the other and says "Moo", the other cow says "Fuck I was just about to say that".


A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won Lotto?"

She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won $12, here's $6 - now fuck off!"


My wife came home to find me in bed with a young, attractive blonde girl

She said "what the fuck are you doing?"
I replied, "we're practicing our golf swings"
"That's a stupid answer!".....I said, "well, that was a stupid fucking question"


Fred gets home from his weekly golf game....

and his wife asks how it went. Fred says: "It was terrible. George had a heart attack and died on the 11th fairway. It was awful." His wife is understandably shaken and says: "That's terrible, poor George." Fred says fuck George, poor me! The whole back side of the course it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.........."


wife woke up with 2 black eyes.....

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine."


Blowing Bubbles

There is this door in an ally. Three guys walk out of it. A curious man asked the first guy," what were you doing in there"? The man answered "I was blowing bubbles" The curious man asks the second guy what he was doing, and the man answered, "I was blowing bubbles". Then the curious man said, "Let me guess, you were blowing bubbles". Then the last guy said," What the fuck are you talking about I am bubbles."


A drunk guy is in a bar.......

A drunk guy is in a bar when he suddenly says "Hey everyone! I bet I can fart the national anthem!" People start coming wondering if he'd really do it. The man then takes off his pants,kneels on the bare counter and takes a shit. The angry bartender then asks him what the fuck he was doing and the drunk responded "Well even Elvis had to clear his throat!"


A Priest walks in to a hotel to check in...

And he asks the clerk at the front desk, "Is the pornography disabled in my room?"
The clerk responds, "No, it's regular porn you sick fuck!"


She left me a note...

I will never understand my wife, she is so sensitive.
I come home from work last night and she'd left a note on the fridge...

"It's no good Harry, it's just not working. I am going to stay at my mums for a few days."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was stone cold.
What the fuck?


A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fuck off."
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."


What about the kids?

A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.

"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.

"What about the kids?" Asks the second.

"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.

"But, do we have time?"


Role play

John and Dave have been on a deserted island for over 2 years. Missing sex John proposes an idea.
"Look Dave, I know we're not gay but if you pretend to be a woman for me and let me sex you up I will do the same for you."
Dave agreed and John began to ram Dave's asshole. Dave was being a good sport and did his best to moan like a woman. After John finished Dave said "Ok your turn"
"Fuck off, I have a headache Dave."


Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and fries, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.


A guy walks into his wife's room...

....with a sheep under his arm. He says, "this is the pig I fuck when you're not around."

To which his wife replies, "You stupid asshole, that's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He says, "Shut up. I wasn't talking to you."


25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.


"I'm not a people person"...

Because, that sounds better than I fuck goats


A teenage boy asks his granny: 'Have you seen my pills, they are labelled LSD?

Granny: "Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


Good Job

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


A different couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The wife says, "what did you think the first time you saw me naked?"

The husband answers, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

The wife strips naked. "What do you think now?"

"It looks like I did a damn good job."



You've red some of the best fuck jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about fuck. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty fuck gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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