Friendship Jokes

What is the best type of ship?
FRIENDSHIP!

Two friends talk:
"Hi, what are you doing?"
"Not much, writing a Valentine's Day greeting card."
"Why are you writing it with your left hand? Are you left-handed?"
"No, I just can't let my right hand to see it. It's a surprise for it."

Two old friends met by chance on the street.

After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people."
Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?"
Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."

John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
Michael: "Get money from your job."
John: "I got fired."
Michael: "Why?"
John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
Michael: "This is why we are friends."

My friend's father died last night so I asked him "

What was the cause of his father's death?"
He said, "A bus passed over his finger!"
I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause."
My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"

None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.

My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.

He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

A boastful hunter kept telling his buddies the same story, and they chided him for telling it over and over.
He reminded them that they often tell the same stories.
"Not so," said one friend. "We re-share, you repeat."

One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.

His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.

"I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?"
"That's right, Sir."
"So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?"
"That was my dentist."

Friend 1: "I like my women how I like my milk."
Friend 2: "What? White?"
Friend 1: "No, expired."

My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry.

So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.

.. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.

Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server.

I found out about you from my last nightmare.

I like the sound of you not talking.

I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.

If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…

Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.

I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.

I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits.

It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.

Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends.

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.

I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where saluting the moths of the year become more important than to salute your friends...

I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.

I don't need more meds, just fewer people.

Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems."
Me: "Awesome, thank you."

Just found out an acquaintance is a drug dealer, would never have guessed, seems like a nice, funny guy. He always cracked me up.

My friend stopped by to tell me he had just been diagnosed as Dyslexic. Said he was going home to write it in his dairy.

Be it any situation but your friends are gonna be there with you probably asking for a treat!

Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.

Someone says to his friend: "I bought a cat"
And the other: "You have to be kitten me!"

My kid wants $20 to go through a corn maze with his friends, which is $20 more than I normally pay to walk through vegetables.

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently, they meant from the outside.

Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?

I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded!

I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.

Cats are a great pet if you've ever wanted convenient access to a friend that hurts your feelings.

My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony because he kept getting in everyone's hair.

I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school.

Relationships are a progression of 4 rings.

First is the "Friendship" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment
Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married.
Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends.
Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.