Friends Inside Jokes

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.

The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”
“I’m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.”
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman.
She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!”
Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it… you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!”

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison...

(I don't know why my friends like this one so much, feel free to tell them it's awful and confirm my opinion.)
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison late one night. With the police hot on their heels, they decide to hide in an abandoned factory. Splitting up, they all take their various hiding places in the factory just as the police kick down the door.
The police begin to search, and they hear a noise coming from an old crate. The redhead, who is hiding in the crate, hears them approach and quickly barks, "WOOF, WOOF". "Oh, it's just a stray dog," says an officer and continues the search. Nearby the police hear some rattling from within a pile of old manufacturing equipment. The brunette, who is amid the equipment, quickly does her best cat imitation, "MEOW, MEOW". "Nothing but an old cat," says one of the police as they continue the search.
At last, in the back of the factory, the police hear some rustling coming from a large burlap sack, which they surround and demand, "Who's in there? Come out!" The blonde, who is inside, having heard her fellow escapees successes thinks to herself for a moment and then says, "POOOOTAAAATOOOO."

A man was asked by his cousin to come with him to his hunting lodge...

With them was the cousin's hunting friends. As it was raining the first day, and since none of them didn't feel like spending a whole day out in the wet, they decided to stay inside.
After a while the man got bored and asked his cousin if they couldn't do anything.
The cousin said: "Well, we could tell each other jokes. I'll start."
The cousin thought for a moment and then said "27". And all the other hunters started to laugh.
" Why does everyone laugh? You just said a number."
His cousin explained that since they had heard all these stories a hundred times, they had given them numbers to make them easier to tell. The man thought this was a bit wierd, but he thought why not.
The "storytelling" went on for a while until finally a hunter said a number and the rest started laughing more than before.
The man looked up and asked why this was so funny. The cousin replied, "Oh, we haven't heard this one before."

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"
Police: "Yes. What do you want?"
Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding m**... inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"
Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They swore at Billy and left his property.
Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:
Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
Billy: "Yeah!"
Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Billy: "Yep."
Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

Not really a joke with a punchline but this is something i wrote when i was 15, freshman year of highschool which got me suspended for a week.

The teacher told us to pair up and write a short children's story. The impending disaster of this situation was exacerbated because my friend happened to be in the class and was as like minded as me. Here's as much as we could read before the teacher kicked us out:
>The birds were chirping, and the bees were buzzing. Inside the bedroom, Mr Lumberjack arose with his morning wood... then a tiny squirrel came upon the windowsill, mouth full, panting ecstatically, to which the Lumberjack greeted, "good morning Mr Squirrel, have you had your nuts this morning?"
The teacher immediately cut me off there and sent me to the principals office.

Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion.
Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having s**.... She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves.
The Blonde says, "No way! I almost got caught!"

Christmas

His teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmastime?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: What A Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas .

This man was suspicious his wife was cheating on him...

... as she was leaving home at night, telling him she was going to visit some friends, he followed her. She left driving the family car and he took a cab.
Upon destination, the woman enters a w**... and the man is now sure - she is cheating and working as a p**... behind his back, it was time to settle things right.
This man asks the taxi driver: "hey, wanna make 100$ more? go inside that w**... and retreive my wife - tell her you are paying for s**... and deliver her to me, I'll wait here, at the cab"
A few minutes later the taxi driver comes out of the w**... carring a very upset woman over his shoulders and tucks her inside the cab, when the husband looks at this woman he says: "hey, that`s not my wife!"
so the cab driver responds: "I know! that's MY wife. I'm coming back there to get yours, keep an eye on her for me yea?"

Two Jewish homeless guys

are down and out and just walking down the street when one of the men spots a sign on the Catholic Church and says, Look at that! The sign reads, Convert to Catholic and make $10. The other guy says, I don't know about that. Well I do says the other. I need the money. So the one goes inside and the other, with nothing to do, kicks back on the curb. After an hour and a half the guy comes back out of the church.
So what happened? asks his friend.
I converted, I'm a Catholic now.
Well, did ya get the ten dollars? asks the friend.
IS THAT ALL YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT?

Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!

Boy VS Girl Friends

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you
The boyfriend says: Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow ?
Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?