Friends House Jokes
126 friends house jokes and hilarious friends house puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about friends house that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Friends House Short Jokes
Short friends house jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The friends house humour may include short boarding house jokes also.
- Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house. - My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, So I made her and all her friends clean the house.
- My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
- When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.
- So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk. - So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
- A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine
- My friend asked me why I carry my gun inside my house I told him 'Decepticons.'
He laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed.
So I shot the toaster.
It was a good day. - A girl wants to do a sleepover at her friend's house. Her mom: you'll be sleeping in different rooms right?
Daughter: Mom! I'm 12.
Mother: and I'm 24 - Have you heard of divorced barbie? Her set costs $450. ...mostly because it comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and one of Ken's friends.
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Friends House One Liners
Which friends house one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with friends house? I can suggest the ones about outhouse and door neighbor.
- When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party Now I'm homeless
- The water got turned off at my friend's house I told him to Get Well Soon
- A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree "Here, I killed your friend. Hold him"
- A tree house is the greatest insult to a tree "Here, I killed your friend, now hold him"
- My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?" I said, "It's overture house."
- My friend just bought a house in a coastal city in southern France. It's Nice.
- I always hate going to my Rastafarian friends house its dreadful
- I got my friend a house warming present I got him a bag of logs for his wood burner
- So i walked into my friends house... And he led me to Midir.
- What did the astronaut do over night? He crashed at a friends house
- My friends invited me to a s**... party at his house But it was just a gender reveal
- I invited all my friends over for a s**... party at my house last night. Everyone came.
Comical Friends House Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about friends house you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean friends show jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make friends house pranks.
After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...
...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.
A woman buys a talking parrot that belonged to a brothel house before.She takes the parrot home:
"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new h**......cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new h**..., old friends...hello Bob."
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
Husband comes home and says:
Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
I'm your Birthday Present
It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a h**... for his Birthday.
The h**... went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for supersex" she answers.
Jim replies "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll just have the soup."
Chuck Norris was 6 years old, when his friends went to his house to get him to play around, his mom told:
Chuck Norris cant come right now he is busy shaving.
A blonde and her friend...
Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "
Four old guys go golfing...
And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."
My best friend slept with my girlfriend.
A man was sitting in a bar feeling depressed.
Bartender: Whats wrong man?
Man: I found my best friend in bed with my girlfriend...
Bartender:What did you do?
Man: I kicked her out of my house and broke up with her.
Bartender: No, what did you do to your best friend?
Man: I pointed my finger at him and said "Bad dog".
While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me...
"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
I walked in and found my wife in bed with my best friend, I kicked them both out of the house.
and he was the best dog I ever had
So, get this. My friend was over at my house the other day for dinner, and starts screaming at me "Eating meat is m**...!"
Or she may have been screaming "Eating me is m**...!" It's hard to hear through the oven.
Bros v. h**...
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Two men are hunting together in a tree stand.
One leans over to his friend and says
"Hey I can see your house from up here! I can see through the window, it looks like your wife is cheating on you with some guy."
The husband in disbelief says to the other,
"Well if you can, shoot her in the head and him in the nuts. That'll teach them a lesson."
His buddy giggles as he raises his gun and says, "I can get that in one shot!"
A Wife spends the night at a "friend's" house
The next morning, her husband wants to be sure she isn't cheating, so he calls 10 of her friends to ask if she slept there, none of them confirm. A week later, the husband spends the night at a "friend's" house, his wife calls 10 of his friends, 7 of them confirm he slept there and 3 say he's still there sleeping.
Two friends are hunting in the woods
when one says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is in the bedroom with some guy!"
The distraught husband says, "Please, I need you to shoot her in the head, and then shoot him in the nuts."
"Easy," the friend says. "I can make that in one shot."
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:
'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
An pakistani in the US fears for his safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
Two Syrian refugees land in America...
They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up t**...!"
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
Little Johnny's Game
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
I still have nightmares....
I still have nightmares about the time I gave my Eskimo friend a house warming gift...
A woman didn't come home one night
She told her husband that she had spent the night at a friend's house. He called her 10 best friends and none of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he slept at a friend's house. She calls his 10 best friends. 8 confirmed he spent the night. The other 2 said he was still there.
Snakes on a Plane
I arrived at my friend's house and saw he was watching a movie.
"What are you watching?"
"Snakes on a Plane."
"What's it about?"
"Horses."
He turns away from the screen and looks me straight in the eyes before he continues.
"Horses on boats."
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."
"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up
one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died
My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.
Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."
Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...
How is that a bad thing? I wondered.
He replied, Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.
The bro code
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
A proud father
A man asks a friend to come to his house and listen to his daughter sing.
After she is done singing the proud father looks at his friend and says " well how do you like her what do think of her execution"
His friend looks over at him and says "man, I'm in favor of it"
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
My dad was driving me back home from my friend's house yesterday when he threw a piece of trash out of the car
It took me a long time to walk home
Everyone brings joy to this house. Some when they enter, and others when they leave.
A sign I saw at my parents friends' place.
A woman tells her friend: - I'm a perfect housekeeper!
...every time I divorce, I keep the house!
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.
I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
I have a friend who can jump higher than an average house.
He's really tall, and also an average house can't really jump.
Friendship between men and women
Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
o**... wrote on his FB status:
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
I live in constant fear
I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.
2 of my friends were arguing about who's house was the most expensive....
"Well, my house is worth 8 million dollars!" One of them said "Ha! Mine is worth 11 million!" The other said so I chimed in "You guys must be poor, my roof in itself is worth 200 million!"
Puzzled, they both asked me "Woah! Where do you even live? How can you afford all that?!" When I told them where I lived they were left dumbfounded. They just couldn't believe I lived under an overpass!
My friends told me I didn't give them enough privacy...
We were at a friend's house when two of them were talking behind my back
Outraged I said "Hey don't talk behind my back!"
But I forgot one crucial thing...
They couldn't hear me from the vents.
My friend bought a new house so I bought him an elephant for his room.
He said Thanks
I said Don't mention it .
Building a tree house is the biggest insult to a tree!
"I killed one of your friends...here hold him!"
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in t**....
I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.
Absolute cowards.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do! Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he's really a big lyre.
My sister wanted a Cinderella themed party,
So I invited all her friends and made them clean my house.
My friend Victor is a historian
He invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
This is Victor, he's a historian of the renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he's a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are Victor and Victor, they are doing great work on Mesopotamian farming practices.
I was like wow, history really is written by you guys huh?
My Native American friend from work invites me home to meet his wife.
When we arrived at his house his wife appeared in full traditional dress, she looked stunning. My friend introduced me and said * I'd like you to meet my wife, five horses. * I commented what a beautiful name that was and asked what the significance was?
* Quite simple * really he replied, * Nag nag nag nag nag... *
"Can I use your WiFi?"
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your WiFi?".
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.
When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.
No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
An Indian family went into self quarantine
after eating lunch at their English friend's house as they couldn't taste anything.
The difference between a man and a woman's friends.
A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.
She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.
I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Boys will be Boys
I reached home late and dad asked me: "Where were you?"
Me:"Was in friend's house."
In front of me, dad called 10 of my friends.
4 of them said: "Yes, uncle he was here".
2 said: " he just left, uncle".
3 of them said: "he is here only uncle, studying. Shall I give him the phone?"
1 of them went an extra mile to say(in my voice)"Yes, dad tell me what happened?"!!!
Friends forever
Revenge on a four-year-old child
A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"
I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.
